Daily Archives: December 13, 2007

Free the breasts and ban the chickens

Chicago eyes ban, Prince Charles eyes boobs

Inebriated Press
December 13, 2007

Prince Charles flushed in embarrassment as he was greeted by women flashing their breasts during a charity reception yesterday.  The boobs were decorated with red fluffy bras that had golden crowns on them.  And in Chicago, the City Council debated banning chickens within the city.  Current law allows families to house up to three chickens in their yard.  The battle over breast meat and chest heat rages on two continents.

“I’m a firm believer that breasts and chests in unlimited number should be allowed to roam free on land and sea with or without golden crowns,” said Hugh Hefner, a religious icon at Playboy Publishing.  “The very idea that chickens and women should be restricted in any way is abhorrent.”

But not everyone agrees with ole’ Hef.  “Get the chickens out of town now and keep the boobs under wraps,” said Ralph Nader, a consumer advocate known to avoid both poultry and human breasts out of fear of salmonella and periodontal disease.  “When birds and boobs roam free they can spread disease of all kinds to untold thousands of innocent bystanders.  I don’t really know what I’m talking about but that hasn’t stopped me from speaking out before and it’s not stopping me now.”

Coming up before the Council in Chicago is a proposed vote to ban chickens, a former barnyard denizen that has pecked its way into cities across the country as part of a growing organic food trend among young professionals and other urban dwellers.  And Prince Charles was greeting guests at his London residence Clarence House for an event to mark the 10th anniversary of cancer charity Walk the Walk, when the ladies opened their tops.

Scientists say there’s really very little to fear from exposure to chickens or women’s breasts and recent studies indicate that while men prefer beef to chicken they prefer women’s breasts to chickens breasts.  Results of research on women’s preferences relating to men and beef are inconclusive as the report contained video that has recently been erased by the CIA.

“We’re not sure why the CIA erased our tapes, but they’re gone,” said scientist and breast wearer Evelyn Hopkins, PhD, double-d and free.  “I think it’s a guy thing but I don’t really care.”

In related news, 350 geese being farmed for Prince Charles’ organic food label, Duchy Originals, have been stolen in a raid.  The thieves also burned down the poultry barn at the Higher Fingle Farm in Cockernwell, Devon, killing 800 ducklings.  

“Had the Brit’s banned poultry that fire disaster could have been avoided,” said a stuffed shirt hanging on the back of a chair.  “If this kind of thing isn’t stopped who knows what’ll happen to fine breasts of all types before this is over.”  Reportedly a new organization is being formed.  The mission is to protect and enhance the freedom and protection of all kinds of breasts.  Men are currently queuing up in long lines of support.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Middle Eastern Diplomat Admits “We just like to blow stuff up”

Peace negotiations are bothersome; get in the way

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
December 13, 2007

The Middle Eastern peace process took another hit yesterday as diplomats for Hamas admitted that blowing stuff up is what really interests them most.  Other Middle Eastern governments, officials and part-time terrorists all issued statements of consensus saying that blowing up “people and stuff” formed the basis for their lives and was an important component in their faith.  Western scholars admit that several thousand years of history support what the Middle Easterners are saying, but deny that it’s valid.

“We think that deep inside, people in the Middle East want to settle down in ivy covered cottages and smoke dope like most Westerners,” said Willy Nelson, executive director of the Grass and Ass Institute, a Washington D.C. think tank.  “We know a lot of women over there are babes and that’s why the guys make them wear tarps and veils so Westerners can’t check them out.  All the beheadings and killings are just a life style choice that they’ve gotten in a rut with.  They really just want to smoke grass and kick back with some wine and a few chicks.  We’re pretty sure.”

Professors at the University for Blind Faith disagree with Nelson and the Grass and Ass Institute.  They are convinced that most Middle Easterners are really killers stuck trying to run governments and the frustration makes them kill each other instead of making out with women and driving pickup trucks.  They feel that giving them more power will cure what ails them.

“Just give them anything they want and they’ll become peaceful and fun loving,” said professor Nebbish Cologne, chairman of the philosophy and cult department, currently two chairs short of a dinette set.  “They don’t want grass or babes; they just want dictatorial control of other people’s lives.  Once they have control of everyone’s lives they’ll calm down and it’ll be fine.  These people at the Grass and Ass Institute don’t know what they’re talking about.  Over here at Blind Faith we’ve got this stuff figured out.”

In related news, former president Bill Clinton says the Grass and Ass people are “in the know” while candidate for that office Hillary Clinton says it’s best to take her campaign promises on Blind Faith.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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