Peace negotiations are bothersome; get in the way
Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
December 13, 2007
The Middle Eastern peace process took another hit yesterday as diplomats for Hamas admitted that blowing stuff up is what really interests them most. Other Middle Eastern governments, officials and part-time terrorists all issued statements of consensus saying that blowing up “people and stuff” formed the basis for their lives and was an important component in their faith. Western scholars admit that several thousand years of history support what the Middle Easterners are saying, but deny that it’s valid.
“We think that deep inside, people in the Middle East want to settle down in ivy covered cottages and smoke dope like most Westerners,” said Willy Nelson, executive director of the Grass and Ass Institute, a Washington D.C. think tank. “We know a lot of women over there are babes and that’s why the guys make them wear tarps and veils so Westerners can’t check them out. All the beheadings and killings are just a life style choice that they’ve gotten in a rut with. They really just want to smoke grass and kick back with some wine and a few chicks. We’re pretty sure.”
Professors at the University for Blind Faith disagree with Nelson and the Grass and Ass Institute. They are convinced that most Middle Easterners are really killers stuck trying to run governments and the frustration makes them kill each other instead of making out with women and driving pickup trucks. They feel that giving them more power will cure what ails them.
“Just give them anything they want and they’ll become peaceful and fun loving,” said professor Nebbish Cologne, chairman of the philosophy and cult department, currently two chairs short of a dinette set. “They don’t want grass or babes; they just want dictatorial control of other people’s lives. Once they have control of everyone’s lives they’ll calm down and it’ll be fine. These people at the Grass and Ass Institute don’t know what they’re talking about. Over here at Blind Faith we’ve got this stuff figured out.”
In related news, former president Bill Clinton says the Grass and Ass people are “in the know” while candidate for that office Hillary Clinton says it’s best to take her campaign promises on Blind Faith.
© 2007 InebriatedPress.com