Daily Archives: December 14, 2007

U.S. to stop rapists with laser gunship

High tech blasts balls off offenders

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Tech Division
December 14, 2007

Note to would-be rapists in the U.S. – there’s a new high tech sheriff in town and it rules your gonads.  Screw around and your parts are vapor.

A controversial new approach using high technology is about to change the way rapists are handled in America.  Boeing completed laser installation Dec. 4 at Kirtland Air Force Base in New Mexico.  The laser, including its major subsystem, a 12,000-pound integrated laser module, was moved into place aboard a 747 aircraft and aligned with a previously-installed beam control system, which will direct the laser beam to its target.  Doctors say that testosterone levels and consequently men’s libidos can be lowered through removing a man’s testicles.  For that reason, castration has been used by psychiatrists and mandated by various states to treat some sex offenders.  Enter the new air defense target:  offensive male crotches.  A few people are uncomfortable with the idea.

“You can’t just blast the balls off some guy with a laser from space.  It’s a violation of his human rights and the freedom to have and maintain testicles,” said Johnny Cochran, former O.J. Simpson lawyer, speaking to us through a spirit guide in the back of a comic book store.  “Besides it’s inherently dangerous.  What would happen if some woman’s rights fanatic and man-hater got hold of the devise?  Men’s balls would be getting indiscriminately toasted all across the country!”

But some people think the idea is a good one and would deter crime.  “Some guy abuses a woman and suddenly his nuts are burned right out of his crotch; now we’re talking serious justice,” said woman’s rights advocate Sandra Spelling, tripping a guy who happened to look at her while crossing the street.  “It’s about time technology and justice come together to do some good.”

A 2005 study printed in the Journal of the American Academy of Psychology and the Law, found that between zero and 10 percent of sexual offenders who are surgically castrated repeat their crime.  Scientists say that the added surprise of an unexpected laser attack would probably keep repeat offences nearer zero.  With the laser installed, Boeing is set to conduct a series of tests leading up to a demonstration in 2008 in which the program will fire the laser in-flight at mission-representative ground targets to demonstrate the military utility of high-energy lasers. The test team will fire the laser through a rotating turret that extends through the aircraft’s belly.

“We aren’t positive we can blow a man’s dick off from 30,000 feet, so rights advocates need to settle down,” said U.S. Department of Defense spokesperson Heidi Pakage, using a handheld laser to vaporize the nuts off a Gerbil on the other side of the room.  “What we’re actually hoping to do is find and remove terrorists like Osama bin Laden.  Of course if I had the chance to liquefy his balls and then do him in parts, I guess I’d be up for it.”

In related news, Bill Clinton has been working overtime to help his wife and presidential candidate Hillary Clinton win election.  Reportedly she has promised that if she’s elected she’ll return the balls she removed from him following the oval office blue dress episode.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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First Lady Laura Bush Invented Velcro

Trained Democrat Squirrels Pilfered Patent

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
December 14, 2007

Inebriated researchers revealed today the truth behind the infamous ‘inventor of Velcro” debate that has been raging for the past five minutes.  Sitting in front of a standing room only crowd at the Happy Horse Bar and Grill, someplace in west Texas, researcher Sissy Blanket, the scientist best known for her discovery of antioxidant lint, dumped out a bucket of facts.  Among the startling revelations was that Laura Bush, currently the First Lady, invented Velcro so George W. Bush could more easily remove her bra when things got “hot” while dating.

“George would kind of fumble around back there and really had trouble with the hooks,” read Sissy from an official document hand written by Laura Bush, verified authentic because her cars tire tracks are on it.  “He was having an awful time and I figured he needed some help.  I’ve enjoyed helping him with stuff ever since.  And he’s enjoyed removing my bra.  It’s a mutual thing.”

Scientists and historians claim that Velcro was invented in 1945 by Swiss engineer, George de Mestral. They say the idea came to him after he took a close look at the burrs of burdock which kept sticking to his clothes and his dog’s fur on their daily summer walks in the Alps.  Some historians say it was really Laura’s invention and that Democrat trained squirrels stole Laura’s patent rights and reassigned them to someone else.  Others deny that’s what happened.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Albert Holton, CEO at Velcro, playing with the strips because he likes the tearing sound.  “I vote independent and have never heard anything about squirrels or claims that Laura Bush invented our product.  Sure the stuff about her bra is kind of interesting, but that’s a guy thing.  Sorry but the Swiss engineer still gets the credit.”

In related news, President Bush admits he occasionally fumbles around but is confident that his policies are sound.  Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid disagrees and prefers he sticks to bras like President Clinton did.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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