Trained Democrat Squirrels Pilfered Patent
Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
December 14, 2007
Inebriated researchers revealed today the truth behind the infamous ‘inventor of Velcro” debate that has been raging for the past five minutes. Sitting in front of a standing room only crowd at the Happy Horse Bar and Grill, someplace in west Texas, researcher Sissy Blanket, the scientist best known for her discovery of antioxidant lint, dumped out a bucket of facts. Among the startling revelations was that Laura Bush, currently the First Lady, invented Velcro so George W. Bush could more easily remove her bra when things got “hot” while dating.
“George would kind of fumble around back there and really had trouble with the hooks,” read Sissy from an official document hand written by Laura Bush, verified authentic because her cars tire tracks are on it. “He was having an awful time and I figured he needed some help. I’ve enjoyed helping him with stuff ever since. And he’s enjoyed removing my bra. It’s a mutual thing.”
Scientists and historians claim that Velcro was invented in 1945 by Swiss engineer, George de Mestral. They say the idea came to him after he took a close look at the burrs of burdock which kept sticking to his clothes and his dog’s fur on their daily summer walks in the Alps. Some historians say it was really Laura’s invention and that Democrat trained squirrels stole Laura’s patent rights and reassigned them to someone else. Others deny that’s what happened.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Albert Holton, CEO at Velcro, playing with the strips because he likes the tearing sound. “I vote independent and have never heard anything about squirrels or claims that Laura Bush invented our product. Sure the stuff about her bra is kind of interesting, but that’s a guy thing. Sorry but the Swiss engineer still gets the credit.”
In related news, President Bush admits he occasionally fumbles around but is confident that his policies are sound. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid disagrees and prefers he sticks to bras like President Clinton did.
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