Daily Archives: December 17, 2007

Human evolution study backs ML Baseball players

New theory replaces ‘natural selection’ with ‘unconscious selection’

Inebriated Press
December 17, 2007

A new study on human development reviewing the past 40,000 years of evolution backs statements made by major league baseball players Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens who say they never knowingly took medications that altered their physical or mental makeup. Reportedly Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig will apologize to the players and others implicated in a recent study indicating that players were knowingly altering their bodies using illegal substances.  Finally science delivers some clarity to an uncomfortable situation and all players are eligible for the Baseball Hall of Fame again.

“I was pretty upset when former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell said I took performance-enhancing drugs and knowingly tried to change my body,” said Barry Bonds, the major league ball player who’s head grew three cap sizes after he turned 30.  “Now that everyone knows that it’s merely the result of evolutionary process and that most of those people accusing me are actually underdeveloped morons, and I’m a more highly evolved human being, we will be able to move forward with my future indictment into the Hall of Fame and my weekend efforts to perpetuate my species down at Murphy’s Strip Club.”

Researchers led by Robert K. Moyzis of the University of California, Irvine, and Henry C. Harpending of the University of Utah — analyzing variation in human genomes — have concluded that humans aesthetic and utilitarian preferences have been responsible for molding the present human form and consciousness.  Applied to other species it’s called ‘artificial selection,’ but the new theory implies we did it all quite naturally, unconsciously, and that the exponential evolutionary acceleration we have achieved as a species in recent time is just what you’d expect.  That means baseball players statements that they never knowingly took steroids or other illegal compounds to alter their bodies, is completely correct.  It was an evolutionary event that took place entirely unconsciously and was entirely natural.  But not everyone agrees.

“They may be unconscious part of the time, like when they felt that a few million dollars a year in compensation wasn’t enough, but I think they noticed when their assistants were stabbing them in the ass and injecting illegal steroids and human growth hormones,” said Stubby Lewis, a short guy known for sneaking around and finding out stuff nobody wants people to know about.  “And anybody who says that baseball players are more highly evolved than the rest of us has never tried walking through all the spit and sunflower shucks in a baseball dugout after a game.  Calling it a pig sty is an insult to pigs.  No, these guys are devolving if anything.  You see how hairy and Neanderthal looking they get on those chemicals?  Yikes.”

Mitchell’s report says Brian McNamee, a former Toronto Blue Jays strength coach, testified that Clemens received injections of the steroid Winstrol in Toronto in 1998.  McNamee says he also injected Clemens with testosterone and human growth hormone after Clemens moved to the New York Yankees in 2000.

In June of 2003 Barry Bonds described his training regimen prescribed to him by the Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative (BALCO) in Muscle and Fitness Magazine. Bonds states that BALCO founder Victor Conte and BALCO began measuring the nutrient levels in the outfielder’s blood, then prescribed specific supplemental regimens to correct imbalances. In December 2004 Bonds admitted receiving “cream” and “clear” substances from his personal trainer during the 2003 baseball season, according to the San Francisco Chronicle. He denied knowing they were steroids.

Dr. Moyzis said the study on human evolution shows that once people developed culture, they protected themselves from the environment and from the forces of natural selection.  Moyzis also said that people had to adapt to the environments that their culture created, and the new analysis shows that evolution continued even faster than before. 

“In Bonds’ and Clemens’ cases they are simply evolving right in front of our eyes,” said Dr. Moyzis, evolving into a Monarch butterfly and fluttering around the room.  “We should be worshiping them as greater beings than us and not criticizing them.”

In other news, American politics continue to devolve and nine out of ten voters surveyed think presidential candidates should start taking something that enables them to evolve a higher level of awareness and start grasping reality.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Breaking News: Life on Mars Discovered

Scientist and folk singer spots Martian Hut

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 17, 2007

Joan Baez, a self proclaimed scientist and 1960’s folk singer announced the discovery of life on Mars at an IHOP earlier today.  Scarfing waffles and autographing a “Diamonds & Rust” album Baez told reporters that she saw a small hut located on the back side of the red planet and recognized it as the same type of living quarters used by native African’s.  She said some small beings were playing a game that appeared to be a form of soccer and that it was clear that they were alive.  Not everyone thinks she’s right.

“We’ve driven all over Mars with our remote-controlled rovers and haven’t spotted any huts or soccer players,” said NASA administrator Michael Griffin, pouring Jack Daniels on his breakfast cereal.  “We may fly the shuttles drunk, but we’ve got sober staffers running the rovers and they haven’t seen anything.”

Baez is a 66 year old hipster who sang, smoked dope and wrote songs — many on social issues like the Vietnam War.  Only recently has she started scientific study designed to improve the lives of all global citizens by advancing our understanding of soccer playing Martians.

“All citizens of the world should live in peace and put their faith in nonviolent Martian soccer players,” said Baez, wiping syrup off her chin.  “Together we can overcome the hateful ways of democratic societies who want to impose freedom on communists and totalitarians.  As I gazed at Mars the other night listening to New Age music and inhaling my cars starting fluid, I saw the Martian huts and their placid lifestyle and knew I had to give this IHOP conference for the good of all humankind.”

In other news, T.V. personality Oprah Winfrey is campaigning for Barack Obama and says he should become the next U.S. president.  According to Oprah, her vast experience in the entertainment industry makes her the perfect person to tell us who’s best to run the U.S. economy and the world’s most powerful military.  No word on who Martian soccer players favor.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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