Breaking News: Life on Mars Discovered

Scientist and folk singer spots Martian Hut

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 17, 2007

Joan Baez, a self proclaimed scientist and 1960’s folk singer announced the discovery of life on Mars at an IHOP earlier today.  Scarfing waffles and autographing a “Diamonds & Rust” album Baez told reporters that she saw a small hut located on the back side of the red planet and recognized it as the same type of living quarters used by native African’s.  She said some small beings were playing a game that appeared to be a form of soccer and that it was clear that they were alive.  Not everyone thinks she’s right.

“We’ve driven all over Mars with our remote-controlled rovers and haven’t spotted any huts or soccer players,” said NASA administrator Michael Griffin, pouring Jack Daniels on his breakfast cereal.  “We may fly the shuttles drunk, but we’ve got sober staffers running the rovers and they haven’t seen anything.”

Baez is a 66 year old hipster who sang, smoked dope and wrote songs — many on social issues like the Vietnam War.  Only recently has she started scientific study designed to improve the lives of all global citizens by advancing our understanding of soccer playing Martians.

“All citizens of the world should live in peace and put their faith in nonviolent Martian soccer players,” said Baez, wiping syrup off her chin.  “Together we can overcome the hateful ways of democratic societies who want to impose freedom on communists and totalitarians.  As I gazed at Mars the other night listening to New Age music and inhaling my cars starting fluid, I saw the Martian huts and their placid lifestyle and knew I had to give this IHOP conference for the good of all humankind.”

In other news, T.V. personality Oprah Winfrey is campaigning for Barack Obama and says he should become the next U.S. president.  According to Oprah, her vast experience in the entertainment industry makes her the perfect person to tell us who’s best to run the U.S. economy and the world’s most powerful military.  No word on who Martian soccer players favor.

© 2007

Comments Off on Breaking News: Life on Mars Discovered

Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid

Comments are closed.