Daily Archives: December 18, 2007

U.S. surrenders to Iran

Russian fuel arrives for Iranian nukes
Democrat led Congress says there’s nothing to worry about

Inebriated Press
December 18, 2007

After years of delay, Russia delivered nuclear fuel to power a reactor in southern Iran yesterday, defying requests by the U.S. and other Western powers that Moscow refrain from helping build the country’s atomic infrastructure.  Iran’s president said on Sunday that the publication of a U.S. intelligence report saying Iran had halted a nuclear weapons program in 2003 amounted to a “declaration of surrender” by Washington in its row with Tehran.  Israel says Iran is still dangerous, but Democrats running the U.S. Congress say there’s nothing to worry about anymore.

“The National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) proved that Iran is a peaceful country now and their recent purchases of jet fighters from China and nuclear material from Russia is related to plans they have to conduct weather experiments,” said U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, mixing Jim Jones brand Kool-Aid for distribution across America.  “We should be happy to let Iran develop their weather and energy programs.  They may find a way to impact global warming in some way — perhaps over Israel.”

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Sunday of the U.S. NIE report “It was in fact a declaration of surrender … It was a positive action by the U.S. administration to change their attitude and it was a correct move.”  Some people think that Iran’s plan to ramp their plutonium producing centrifuges from 3,000 to 50,000 and their statements that they want Israel wiped off the face of the earth and the U.S. destroyed, could still be taken in a negative light.

“If I told you I wasn’t going hunting but was out buying guns and materials needed to assemble bullets so I could do work on my furnace, would you be comfortable with that?” asked an unnamed source speaking from under a desk at the U.S. Department of Defense.  “Ahmadinejad keeps doing and saying things that indicate he wants a nuclear weapon and he wants certain countries destroyed.  I don’t know about you, but if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and talks like a duck, maybe it is a duck.”

Israeli Public Security Minister Avi Dichter said the U.S. intelligence report saying that Iran halted its nuclear weapons program four years ago is dead wrong.  Israeli intelligence says Iran could have a nuclear weapon by the end of 2009.  But U.S. leaders don’t agree.

“Israel is just paranoid because Iran says they should be destroyed and they’ve been funding Hamas’  effort to terrorize Israel and enlist others to do the same,” said U.S. Senate majority leader Harry Reid, speaking on the condition that no one laugh during his talk.  “Just because virtually all the countries surrounding Israel hate them and want them destroyed, and just because Iran says they would like to nuke Israel and is now buying all the materials needed to do that, it doesn’t mean it will happen.  I once bought a tie that I didn’t wear.”

In other news, the bleeding obvious continues to be ignored by most members of U.S. Congress and despite training in tolerance grade school kids are still getting beaten up by bullies.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Al Gore a cross-dressing stripper?

Arrested at post-award party

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 18, 2007

Former U.S. Vice President Al Gore was arrested last night at a party following his acceptance of a Nobel Peace Prize won for telling people that it’s getting warmer outside. Reportedly Gore was taken into custody by Oslo authorities after stripping off a bra and sequined dress and accepting a 50 kroner note that someone tucked into his g-string.  It’s okay to be a cross-dressing stripper and to accept money in Norway, but you have to register as an artist with the government.  Gore hadn’t registered and was found in violation of a public artist rule.  Gore expressed disappointment.

“For crying out loud, I’m a Nobel Prize winner, I can do what I want,” Gore reportedly said while shaking his ass simultaneously in two directions.  “It’s hotter outside and we have to do something about that, listen to me people, and don’t think about all the greenhouse gas emissions that my mansion kicks out or what my travel here has cost the environment.  It’s not about what I’m doing wrong it’s about everyone else’s screw ups.  I should be president for god’s sake.”

Authorities said Gore forgot his ATM card back home and expected to be given a bag of cash and not a check with the Peace Prize, so he was trying to earn some cash to pay for lunch and his trip back home.  Last year a Norwegian appeals court ruled that striptease is an art form and should therefore be exempt from value-added taxes. Gore said he was willing to pay for the permit to strip, but authorities said the fact that he was doing it at a party not officially for art or stripping disqualified him.  Greenpeace is taking action to help him out.

“Al has done a good job of telling people that things are warming up outside and he deserves our support with this new stripper fund raising venture he’s started,” said John Passacantando, Executive Director at Greenpeace, crushing a small child recently accused of saying bad things about baby seals.  “American leaders who condemn their own country over all kinds of things are a dime a dozen, but ones who not only rip their country but also strip for money are few and far between.  We need to protect and support them like dolphins or other lonely fish.”

Gore received the award at a gala ceremony in Oslo’s city hall before Norwegian royalty, leaders and invited guests.  The other Nobel awards – the ones with actual meaning – in medicine, chemistry, physics, literature and economics, were presented at a separate ceremony in Stockholm, Sweden.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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