Daily Archives: December 19, 2007

It’s Obama vs. Clinton as Black Hole Blasts Galaxy

Amazing void overtakes innocent bystanders in time and space

Inebriated Press
December 19, 2007

Astronomers were stunned this week to see a jet of highly charged radiation from a supermassive black hole at the center of a distant galaxy blasting another galaxy nearby.  And Iowans are being clobbered by the empty promises of two presidential candidates, one who has no experience, and the other who has only fake experience.  Scientists and historians say they’ve never seen such power come from empty voids.

“The black hole radiation being spewed at the innocent galaxy and at folks in the State of Iowa is dramatically affecting the atmosphere, and any life forms there are lucky to be alive,” said scientist and political historian Mabel-Leaf Masters, a fine woman who also moonlights as a Canadian sex therapist.  “The unfortunate galaxy in the line of fire may be destroyed and as for the people of Iowa, well they’re probably going to need more than bagels and sex counseling to get them back on track.”

Using images from the orbiting Chandra X-Ray Observatory and other sources, scientists said the extremely intense jet from the larger galaxy can be seen shooting across 20,000 light-years of space and plowing into the outer gas and dust of the smaller one.  It’s an act of galactic violence that astronomers said Monday they have never seen before.  And presidential candidates are blasting away in Iowa despite the lack of basis for anything that they say.

“Barack Obama has been in the Senate just a year and has no business experience.  Hillary is in her second term as Senator and her most valuable political skill was to neutralize her husband’s ‘bimbo eruptions’,” said soothsayer and political isolationist Neville Spearman, an expert in vampires, tales of terror and U.S. politics.  “In 1992, Hillary appeared with her husband on ‘60 Minutes’ as he admitted to straying in his marriage, but denied having an affair with singer Gennifer Flowers — a false denial, it turns out.  In 1998, Hillary Clinton blamed the Monica Lewinsky story on a ‘vast right-wing conspiracy’.  These things are more than Obama has done, but they hardly make her leadership material.  To think that any of the Democratic candidates could actually become president is pretty darn scary.” 

But some observers are more philosophical and even find the bizarre events fun.  “The amazing power of political nothingness is quite spectacular to observe and I enjoy that,” said local historian and stripper Coleen Miles, a midget known for physical and mental dexterity.  “In some respects it isn’t surprising that the competition here in Iowa is fierce because you have the top two candidates who both want to avoid being pinned down on any topic, because they know nothing about anything.  The ‘black hole debates’ we’ve been having are almost stunning in their vacantness.  I just hope that not too many voters get hurt.”

In other news, the giant sucking sound you hear is the black hole currently emanating from Democratic candidates for the U.S. presidency.  The occasional explosions you hear are the Iranians testing their nuclear material to see how much electricity they can generate.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Societal chaos is natural selection in action

Ethics irrelevant says Darwinian philosopher

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 19, 2007

The natural state of humankind is action embodied in conflict as individuals and their collective societies vie for sex, power and supremacy.  The concept of ethics is window dressing created by some social groups who wish to distract or slow the progress of those gaining the upper hand.  In the end it’s only those who obtain societal leadership and control of TV remotes who will rule and perpetuate their kind.  That is the latest pronouncement of experts who hope to explain what in the world has been going on.

“Anyone who says you should behave in a certain way because it’s right is trying to sell you something,” said Sam Simpleton, a Darwinian philosopher who once planned to rule the world, but gave up after deciding it was too much work.  “There is no certain way to behave and religions and philosophies that try to instill ethics and rules on society are only doing it so they can establish some kind of control for themselves.  The concept of self control just gets in the way of people who want to do whatever they feel like.”

Over the years various philosophers and religions have taught that humans should show self control and kindness to one another and some have had bouts of success, but more often than not individuals or groups have broken with the efforts to restrain them and started wars, went on killing sprees or invented cures for complex diseases.  Debates about when to break societal “rules” and whether restraint really equals discipline and whether discipline is good have been ongoing for centuries.

“The United States of America is a country that resulted largely from Europeans fleeing religious oppression and establishing a European-like society in North America but with religious tolerance backed with lots of religious principles underpinning the government all tied with individual rights over that of the State,” said Bob Hope, a comedian who became a philosopher shortly after his death.  “Of course they had to kill a lot of natives and take their land in order to establish the new country, but that’s a time honored tradition.  The natives had been doing that to each other prior to the Europeans showing up.  Conquering others and enforcing ones will is a natural thing, historically and semi-ethically speaking.”

In related news, stem cell research and genetic engineering continue to be seen as important keys to a brighter, healthier future for humankind, and efforts to stop them from going forward are also seen as keys to a brighter, healthier future for humankind.  Debate over who should control the TV remote continues to rage.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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