Daily Archives: December 20, 2007

Putin’s power play wins TIME Magazine recognition

Consolidating power and partnering with Islamofascists honorable

Inebriated Press
December 20, 2007

TIME Magazine declared Russian President Vladimir Putin their “Person of The Year 2007” in honor of his crafty play to maintain personal power and crush dissent, plus and his ability to toy with the West by shutting off oil to the Ukraine and Europe sporadically while selling nuclear materials and expertise to Islamofascists in Iran.  TIME editors said President Bush wasn’t a consideration since all he’s done is keep terrorists from attacking the U.S., started winning the war in Iraq and made only general improvements in the countries economy.

“Bush doesn’t have the control that Putin does and is fighting Islamofascists instead of enabling them,” said TIME editor Richard Stengel, removing change from a Salvation Army Kettle and mailing it to an Islamic Militant website.  “George is planning to step down from president after his term and isn’t scheming to pull government strings by shifting around and staying in power like Putin, and he hasn’t shown any effort to crush people in media or other dissenters by locking them in prison.  He’s a real whimp when compared to Vladimir and is no competition for Person of the Year at all.”

In making the announcement, TIME wrote: “When this intense and brooding KGB agent took over as President of Russia in 2000, he found a country on the verge of becoming a failed state.  With dauntless persistence, a sharp vision of what Russia should become and a sense that he embodied the spirit of Mother Russia, Putin has put his country back on the map.  And he intends to redraw it himself.  Though he will step down as Russia’s President in March, he will continue to lead his country as its Prime Minister and attempt to transform it into a new kind of nation, beholden to neither East nor West.”

Not everyone thinks what Putin is doing is all that great.  “Putin is moving too slow and should have shelled Germany by now,” said Uslow Keiller, a former KGB agent known for indiscriminate poisonings when the mood strikes him.  “He’s letting the whacko Arabs do his dirty work for him and should just jump into the Middle East, destroy Israel and consolidate power in the oil fields the way nature intended.  Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad should be ‘Person of the Year’ because he’s the one almost single handedly destabilizing Iraq and keeping Israel off balance, while buying arms from China and nuclear material from Russia.  He’ll take Iran nuclear in a year or so and have the world shitting bricks.  Now that son of a bitch has balls and doesn’t give a shit what anyone thinks.  Throw in a few beatings of women for not wearing a tarp over her head and kill a couple guys who say they’re gay and you’ve got someone with personality deserving of respect.”

In other news, U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said he respects TIME’s decision and hopes to have enough balls to become “person of the year” himself someday.  Reportedly Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has more balls than Reid and keeps them in a jar on top her refrigerator.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Bonnie and Clyde were pioneering coin collectors

Killed in a misunderstanding

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 20, 2007

In a cover-up recently flushed into the light by Inebriated reporter Bristol Meyers, it has been revealed that the notorious “Bonnie and Clyde” were not robbers and thieves at all, but merely misunderstood coin collectors hunted by jealous police officers all after the same nickel. 

“A proof of a 1913 buffalo head nickel with a three dimensional big breasted actress named Phoebe Jones on one side was accidentally put into circulation in 1931,” said Niki Long, an expert in nickels at the Certified Coin Exchange in Sarasota, Florida.  “It was well known that Clyde Barrow liked breasts and nickels and in 1931 he hooked up with Bonnie for her breasts, and then went on tour across the country trying to find the nickel.  People have tried to tell this story before but no one would listen.”

Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow died in a hail of gunfire on a desolate road near Bienville Parish, Louisiana in 1934.  The couple was considered notorious outlaws, robbers and criminals who traveled the Central United States during the Great Depression.  Their exploits were known nationwide.  They captured the attention of the American press and its readership during what is sometimes referred to as the “public enemy era” between 1931 and 1935.  Although the couple and their gang were notorious for their bank robberies, Clyde Barrow preferred to rob small stores or gas stations.  Most historians are convinced they were crooks.

“Parker and Barrow robbed and killed for money and excitement,” said Emil V. Baklog, a historian and wet blanket who never seems to get caught up on his work.  “To some extent I guess they were collecting coins, but they also took bills and lives pretty indiscriminately.  If they were just trying to find one nickel they were pretty darn violent about it.” 

In other news, Israeli Intelligence says that Iran still wants them wiped off the face of the earth, but Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says all he really wants is a nickel they have hidden someplace inside the country.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid