Daily Archives: December 21, 2007

Jamie Lynn Spears to star in MTV’s “Knocked Up”

Pregnant 16 year old Zoey star grows up fast

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 21, 2007

Jamie Lynn Spears, the level-headed younger sister of Britney Spears, the drunken, underwear-less pop star and separated mother of two, is pregnant at 16 and changing TV shows.  Jamie Lynn the popular Zoey on Nickelodeon’s “Zoey 101” is 3-months pregnant by her 19 year-old boyfriend and hopes to cash in by switching to Viacom’s MTV.  Following on the heels of the popular movie “Knocked Up” MTV decided to capitalize on the star’s pregnancy by offering her the new role.

“While we don’t condone or encourage children to get pregnant, we’re willing to capitalize on the opportunity if we can work out the contract details,” said Viacom CEO Philippe Dauman, flipping through pages of Teen Mom Magazine.  “Competition is stiff in the younger age groups and it’s been tough going up against Disney’s “High School Musical”, especially with Vanessa Hudgens nude pictures going online.  We think the “Knocked Up” movie tie-in coupled with the MTV brand can make this Spears pregnancy drive ratings better than her sisters’ no-underwear pictures did the tabloids.  And you know what a hot property those were.”

Not everyone is comfortable that encouraging 16 year-olds to get pregnant for MTV is the right thing to do.  “I thought Jamie was the sane one in the Spears family and wouldn’t join the tabloid set until she was at least 18,” said Linda Lu, a mother of two, from Whoville, who had hoped to keep her daughter Sue from drugs, the seedy side of the Internet and an early pregnancy.  “This just isn’t getting any easier.”

In an exclusive with OK! magazine, released on Wednesday, Jamie Lynn Spears, the star of Nickelodeon’s Zoey 101, confirmed that she is 3-months pregnant with the child of her 19-year-old boyfriend, Casey Aldridge.  Many considered Jamie Lynn the anti-Britney, able to eke out a showbiz career without the controversy.  Jamie Lynn never acquired the fame of older sister Britney and is a minor celebrity, starring in the popular Zoey 101, a Nickelodeon show operated by Viacom.  Viacom also owns MTV.

Lynne Spears, the mother of troubled pop star Britney Spears and her pregnant 16-year-old sister, Jamie Lynn said that news of Jamie’s pregnancy shocked her.  “Jamie has always been very conscientious and to my knowledge was tucked in bed early every night.  Maybe I should have checked on her to make sure she was alone and what she meant when she would call down the stairs, ‘everything is tucked in’.”

In related news, a parenting book written by Lynne Spears has been postponed indefinitely according to Lindsey Nobles, spokeswoman for Tennessee-based Thomas Nelson Publishers.  But shares of Viacom were up .10%, or 23 cents, to $43.17 in Wednesday afternoon trading.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Soup versus Stew Battle Heating Up

Lawsuit breaks out in messy controversy without aprons

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
December 21, 2007

Hormel Foods Corp. filed a lawsuit against Campbell Soup Co., alleging the company uses false advertising to suggest its new line of Chunky soups contain as much meat as stews.  Meat company and SPAM maker Hormel says they know a thing or two about stew meats and although they recently lost a lawsuit against Spam Arrest LLC, a provider of software and services aimed at stopping email spam, they think they can beat Campbell’s Soup. 

“A judge said we weren’t due any money from Spam Arrest because they weren’t trying keep our SPAM out of peoples email and that people could tell the difference between the meat and the spam they get on their PC’s,” said Hormel CEO Jeffrey Ettinger, chewing a ham bone.  “I still disagree, but one thing I’m sure of: there’s a huge difference between stew and soup and by golly we’re going to make Campbell’s stop lying to the American public about the soup they claim is stew.”

Spam Arrest won a five-year legal battle against Hormel Foods Corp to keep its trademark.  And Hormel claims in its suit against Campbell’s, that their “Chunky Fully Loaded Beef Stew” does not contain enough meat to constitute a “stew,” as defined by “industry standards.”  Campbell places the word “soup” on its labels, but Hormel, which makes Dinty Moore stews and other meat products, says it does not do so prominently enough.  Campbell’s disagrees.

“Our labels are renowned in both the retail grocery industry and in the art community and no one should think we’re deceitful just because we call something a stew in name and a soup in fine print,” said Campbell spokesman Andy Warhol, licking a picture of Marilyn Monroe.  “You don’t see any of their labels in New York’s Museum of Modern Art or being promoted in a symposium as pop art.  Campbell’s labels are American icons and all Hormel’s got going for them is some kind of junk email.”

In other news, aprons and bibs are now out of fashion since society is being reconstructed on napkins, and nine out of ten cooks don’t spoil the broth.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid