Daily Archives: December 24, 2007

TIME Mag’s Person of Year Lashes out at U.S.

Says only American journalists understand him

Inebriated Press / Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
December 24, 2007

Russian President Vladimir Putin accused the United States last week of trying to undermine Russia’s plan for global dominance and said Washington was trying to harm Moscow’s attempts to build friendships with Islamofascists.  Named TIME Magazine’s Person of The Year last Wednesday, Putin said that U.S. leaders should listen to journalist’s who like him and continually bash American government and prodemocracy efforts.

“The U.S. has been a real irritant to those of us on the globe busily consolidating our personal power as well as developing and encouraging nuclear and chemical devises,” said the Person of The Year, scratching all of his itches at once.  “The U.S. has destabilized a peaceful Middle East with ideas of freedom and has gone so far as to criticize classic beheadings of noncombatants and the traditional beating of rape victims.  And they have the nerve to tell me to stop selling nuclear material and technology to rogue states.  Only TIME magazine and other American journalists who prefer socialism and powerful dictatorships over silly democratic freedoms really understand what I’m about.  Only they will receive my cheerful anti-Christian Christmas cards this year.  The rest get nothing, the bastards.”

TIME Magazine announced Putin as their Person of the Year last week and then spent the balance of the week explaining and defending their choice.  “We named Princess Diana our Person of the Year and no one seemed to mind,” said TIME’s Yuri Zarakhovich, reporting from inside Russia, desperately ignoring the Putin controlled Russian media’s orgasmic reaction to TIME’s announcement.  “In addition to all the nice things we said about Putin, we also said some negative stuff.   Heck, who am I kidding.  After the assassination of Russia’s Forbes editor and a bunch of others, TIME is naming the son of a bitch Person of The Year and damn it, I’m still alive and reporting from Moscow.  Now let me alone.”

The former chief editor of “Forbes Russia”, Paul Klebnikov, an American citizen of Russian origin, was murdered in Moscow on July 9, 2004. The crime remains unsolved. New York Magazine wrote, “he had left New York and gone to Russia as a reformer, an investigative reporter committed to using the power of the press to stop a new class of oligarchs from ransacking the country under the guise of capitalism.”

Richard Behar of Project Klebnikov wrote in July 2005, on the one-year anniversary of Khlebnikov’s death, “At least 12 reporters have been murdered in contract-style hits since the Putin government came to power – the latest on June 28 – and not a single case has been solved, according to the Committee to Protect Journalists, which just completed a conference in Moscow with the families of the victims.  As Paul himself wrote about how the big business of murder was undermining Russia: ‘The police solve only a fraction of these contract killings.  There simply is no political will to enforce the law’.”

0n Oct. 7, 2006, Putin’s birthday, Russian journalist and mother of two children Anna Politkovskaya was shot four times in the elevator of her building in Moscow in a political assassination.  She had been planning to release a story the next day in one of the few remaining independent papers, Novaya Gazeta, outlining torture practices used by Chechen authorities, who function as Russia’s henchmen.  She published several award-winning books about Chechnya, life in Russia, and President Putin’s regime, including one just prior to her murder called, “Putin’s Russia”.

In related news, Edmund Burke once said, “The only think necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”  But perhaps doing nothing is better than advancing the illusion that evil is good.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on TIME Mag’s Person of Year Lashes out at U.S.

Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), IP News

Dogs likely to become cats in 1 million years

Evolutionist surprises scientists who thought dogs would become trees

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
December 24, 2007

Inebriated scientists hiding in an underground bunker in New Jersey have released a paper announcing that they’ve successfully projected the future of cats one million years from now.  And they’ve found out that they used to be dogs.  This has caused an eruption of controversy as other scientists were convinced that the bonding that some male dogs seem to have with trees and posts would have caused them to become trees themselves.  The debate is raging as this sort of thing often does.

“Dogs will become trees in the future and that’s all there is to it,” said Norton Spamblocker, a scientist widely known for his discovery of nonplused chickens who refuse to be intimidated by knowledge of time and space.  “These guys in New Jersey are just making stuff up.”

Evolutionary change, survival of the fittest, and the philosophy of continual improvement have been topics of speculation and debate for the past week as scientists have met in their annual “Scientists Convention Reprising Environment, Wisdom, Yada Yada” (SCREWYY).  The convention which is often panned by journalists due to the lack of beer and public nudity, takes place each year just outside of Chicago at a pizza house that only serves New York style pies.  The scientists who attend often do so out of boredom.

“SCREWYY in Chicago is a great place to be each year because there’s really nothing much going on back at UCLA nowadays,” said a scientist who declined to be identified but who admitted he liked cheese.  “Unless you get out there and start making up outrageous stuff, you can’t really get ahead in the area of scientific theory nowadays.  And nobody really wants to work at applied science that much.  You just get into trouble over ethics and things when you start trying to do good.”

In other news, common Americans keep doing good and confused Islamofascists keep trying to stop it.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Dogs likely to become cats in 1 million years

Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid