Daily Archives: December 25, 2007

God comes to earth; Islamofascists lose bet

Christmas story turns out accurate

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 25, 2007

Stunned Islamofascists were disappointed to learn that Jesus the Christ was God come to earth a couple of thousand years ago, and that He’ll come again in Glory on the Last Day.  Religious experts say that’s how it came down and will come down, but radical Muslims vow to continue killing Jews, Christians and each other for as long as possible and hope to offset efforts by some to bring peace on earth and good will toward men.

“The idea of someone showing up who doesn’t want to exterminate all men, women and children who disagree with me is anathema and such a being should lose its head,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, beating a woman raped by five men because she was too cute.  “There should be no peace until all of humankind is brought under my view of the way things ought to be and I’ll have anyone who disagrees with that beheaded or nuked, god willing.”

Religious scholars have debated the Christmas Story for generations and while some have concluded that Jesus, known as The Christ or Messiah, was in fact God come to earth in fulfillment of Jewish prophet’s predictions and prophecies, others think he was just some guy with a god complex.  Islamofascists say that a person named Jesus was born, but was just a nice guy whose actions like healing the sick and bringing the dead back to life were designed to kill time during a boring era of Roman conquest, and he was not there to prove he was God as he claimed to be, or to die for anyone’s sins and save them from eternal damnation.  Atheists and agnostics also say Jesus was a nice guy, but say his rising from the dead was just a fluke.  Other religious leaders aren’t sure what to think, but will stick to their own views of life, death and eternity until something that proves different in some unarguable way comes along.

“It takes a lot more faith to believe there’s an eternal god who created humankind and bestowed genius and free will than it does to believe humans exist by accident with opposable thumbs, and the ability to have sex and play baseball,” said Zippy the Squirrel, a scientist and theorist whose belief that life, wisdom and love developed accidentally from a stick of chewing gum that has existed forever as the essence of matter, time and space.  “I worship the Wrigley Chewing Gum Company because they are the true religion that has evolved out of the essence of my god, the eternal stick of gum.  It is from gum that we have chewing and saliva and with the evolution of spearmint in 1893, even fresher breath.”

In related news, faith in a Supreme Being continues to survive in the new century, and nine out of ten Islamofascists still prefer beating attractive rape victims for reasons that most gum chewers are unable to understand.

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