Plutonium Grows on Trees in Fiji

Island nation gets the bomb
Iran fears attack by berserk bongo players with nukes

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
December 26, 2007

Robert Gates, U.S. Secretary of Defense acknowledged today that the Republic of Fiji has developed a nuclear bomb.  Experts at the U.S. Department of Agriculture said that tests show plutonium is being produced by a type of palm tree on the islands and the islanders are using wooden spoons and ceramic bowls to convert it into nuclear material.  Reportedly the government of Iran wants to get its own nuke as quickly as possible citing fear of an attack by Fiji, a country that Iran has frequently criticized for being too relaxed.  The government of Fiji says there’s nothing to worry about.

“It’s true that we’ve manufactured tree juice into plutonium and have converted coconuts into nuclear bombs,” said Fiji’s President Ratu Josefa Iloilo, chugging a Rum Slurpy.  “But we have no expansionist plans or a desire to force goofy Europeans or Americans to act like laid back islanders.  I admit I’d probably blow up some of those Iranian assholes if I could, but I don’t think all of them are bad.”

Plutonium was accidentally discovered growing in palm trees on the island when one of the citizens tried making a new fermented drink from tree bark and during the distilling process he destroyed two thirds of one of the islands.  The accident caused investigators to take a closer look at what had actually happened to see whether a new drink could be developed that was potent, but destroyed less personal property.

“We couldn’t determine what kind of alcohol was being produced so we hired some experts from China to take a look at the new beverage,” said Nho Cola, a local drunk and current head of Fiji’s nuclear program.  “One of them took a drink and lit a cigar and half the building vaporized.  After that we decided to be more careful.”

In other news, nuclear weapons continue to be pursued by Middle Eastern terrorists and spunky beverages still enamor most laid back islanders.   The U.S. Defense Department is trying to figure out how to get terrorists in the Middle East to become more laid back and pursue adult beverages.  So far efforts have moved very slowly.

© 2007

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