Arrested for kidnapping
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 27, 2007
A senior citizen in Palm Beach, Florida accidentally inhaled an 11 month old girl yesterday outside a drug store. After telling police that she could not dislodge the youngster from her left sinus, officers arrested the elderly woman and charged her with kidnapping. Agnes Morland is currently being held in jail as the court ponders whether bail can be allowed a person who still has a victim in their possession.
“We’ve never experienced anything quite like this,” said Sergeant O’Gannon, a legal American citizen of Irish decent. “If the old gal hadn’t admitted she had the kid up her nose we couldn’t hold her at all, but knowing the girl is up there we really can’t just turn her free.”
Reportedly the child’s parents were taking a walk when the baby carriage they were pushing hit a bump and the little girl popped up into the air just as the AARP member was taking a deep breath. The parents were stunned to see their daughter disappear into the elderly woman’s nose and asked her to please give her back. The woman was either unable to or refused to comply.
“She just stood their sniffing like she was congested with a cold,” one of the parents reportedly said, according to a nearby cat that refused to share her name because she is on the lam. “We offered to buy her decongestant but she just starred into the distance, so we called the police.”
Inhaling children isn’t listed as an illegal act in Florida but holding them against their will is and can be construed as kidnapping. Authorities aren’t sure how to proceed with the case since they haven’t seen evidence of the child in the woman’s nose and aren’t sure if it’s safe to X-ray it. Prosecutors plan to decide if they will persue the case some time early next week and in the meanwhile are drinking heavily and shooting pool.
“Playing pool and drinking helps me relax,” said city prosecutor Leslie Nielson, an actor wannabee who likes string and collects it for fun. “Maybe if we can kill enough time the old gal will just sneeze the kid out and we can all forget this ever happened.”
(C) 2007 InebriatedPress.com
Finding the innate genius of college guys
Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
December 27, 2007
A recent study of male college students has determined that eighty percent of their mental capacity is currently dominated by thoughts of women, explosions and bad movies. Scientists at the University of Delaware’s Institute of Washable Cotton say that young college guys are lucky to learn anything at all once the portion of the brain used to forage for food is included in the equation. But college guys say they’re doing fine and should be left alone.
“Sure I like to see stuff get blown up and look at babes and watch bad movies,” said Kevin Klutz, a student with a 3.6 GPA, a 99 degree temperature and a penchant for dropping things. “But I’m pretty efficient because some bad movies I watch have both babes and explosions and I can watch it while eating. That leaves me plenty of extra brain power to think about calculus later on.”
Scientists looking for the nature of genius were puzzled by activities exhibited by people like Albert Einstein, Madame Curie and Robert Oppenheimer and decided to look for evidence of it in what they call the “developing brain” of college students. Some grew fascinated by the young male brain and decided to see if they could figure out what was going on in there.
“Other than learning that young guy’s brains are dominated by stuff that appears irrelevant to true genius, we really haven’t figured out much of anything,” said Novosti Miller, a Russian neuroscientist and beer salesman. “But as near as I can tell my part-time job as a brewer is safe for the foreseeable future.”
Not everyone was shocked to learn how little was going on in young guys’ minds or what the focus was. “If you’ve ever spent five minutes with a guy in school you know what they’re interested in,” said Heather Wilson, a coed at the University of Ohio currently majoring in the color red. “It doesn’t take a scientific study to know what’s going on in between their ears. All I have to do is light some fire crackers and wear a tube top and they show up like ants at a picnic.”
In related news, past studies that have shown human beings only use one third of our brains are now being reconsidered. Some scientists believe that college guys are using that part of their brains to think about babes and explosions and actually have just as much mental capacity left to focus on school work as most Americans work with while on the job. Several women’s groups are questioning this and claim that seventy percent of all guys’ brains are used to contemplate breasts. Most guys groups agree but don’t want to brag.
© 2007 InebriatedPress.com