Babes, Bombs and B Movies

Finding the innate genius of college guys

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
December 27, 2007

A recent study of male college students has determined that eighty percent of their mental capacity is currently dominated by thoughts of women, explosions and bad movies.  Scientists at the University of Delaware’s Institute of Washable Cotton say that young college guys are lucky to learn anything at all once the portion of the brain used to forage for food is included in the equation.  But college guys say they’re doing fine and should be left alone.

“Sure I like to see stuff get blown up and look at babes and watch bad movies,” said Kevin Klutz, a student with a 3.6 GPA, a 99 degree temperature and a penchant for dropping things.  “But I’m pretty efficient because some bad movies I watch have both babes and explosions and I can watch it while eating.  That leaves me plenty of extra brain power to think about calculus later on.”

Scientists looking for the nature of genius were puzzled by activities exhibited by people like Albert Einstein, Madame Curie and Robert Oppenheimer and decided to look for evidence of it in what they call the “developing brain” of college students.  Some grew fascinated by the young male brain and decided to see if they could figure out what was going on in there.

“Other than learning that young guy’s brains are dominated by stuff that appears irrelevant to true genius, we really haven’t figured out much of anything,” said Novosti Miller, a Russian neuroscientist and beer salesman.  “But as near as I can tell my part-time job as a brewer is safe for the foreseeable future.”

Not everyone was shocked to learn how little was going on in young guys’ minds or what the focus was.  “If you’ve ever spent five minutes with a guy in school you know what they’re interested in,” said Heather Wilson, a coed at the University of Ohio currently majoring in the color red.  “It doesn’t take a scientific study to know what’s going on in between their ears.  All I have to do is light some fire crackers and wear a tube top and they show up like ants at a picnic.”

In related news, past studies that have shown human beings only use one third of our brains are now being reconsidered.  Some scientists believe that college guys are using that part of their brains to think about babes and explosions and actually have just as much mental capacity left to focus on school work as most Americans work with while on the job.  Several women’s groups are questioning this and claim that seventy percent of all guys’ brains are used to contemplate breasts.  Most guys groups agree but don’t want to brag.

© 2007

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