Arrested for kidnapping
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 27, 2007
A senior citizen in Palm Beach, Florida accidentally inhaled an 11 month old girl yesterday outside a drug store. After telling police that she could not dislodge the youngster from her left sinus, officers arrested the elderly woman and charged her with kidnapping. Agnes Morland is currently being held in jail as the court ponders whether bail can be allowed a person who still has a victim in their possession.
“We’ve never experienced anything quite like this,” said Sergeant O’Gannon, a legal American citizen of Irish decent. “If the old gal hadn’t admitted she had the kid up her nose we couldn’t hold her at all, but knowing the girl is up there we really can’t just turn her free.”
Reportedly the child’s parents were taking a walk when the baby carriage they were pushing hit a bump and the little girl popped up into the air just as the AARP member was taking a deep breath. The parents were stunned to see their daughter disappear into the elderly woman’s nose and asked her to please give her back. The woman was either unable to or refused to comply.
“She just stood their sniffing like she was congested with a cold,” one of the parents reportedly said, according to a nearby cat that refused to share her name because she is on the lam. “We offered to buy her decongestant but she just starred into the distance, so we called the police.”
Inhaling children isn’t listed as an illegal act in Florida but holding them against their will is and can be construed as kidnapping. Authorities aren’t sure how to proceed with the case since they haven’t seen evidence of the child in the woman’s nose and aren’t sure if it’s safe to X-ray it. Prosecutors plan to decide if they will persue the case some time early next week and in the meanwhile are drinking heavily and shooting pool.
“Playing pool and drinking helps me relax,” said city prosecutor Leslie Nielson, an actor wannabee who likes string and collects it for fun. “Maybe if we can kill enough time the old gal will just sneeze the kid out and we can all forget this ever happened.”
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