Daily Archives: December 28, 2007

Hillary Clinton Hires Pamela Anderson

Signs up breast consultant for election run

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 28, 2007

As Hillary Clinton’s popularity in Iowa faded in the polls political consultants dug deep and discovered a way back: cleavage.  A quick survey of the electorate found that many voters are positively influenced by cleavage and Hillary Clinton hasn’t been flashing much of it on the campaign trail.  Experts say that can be changed and with it her fortunes.  Yesterday the Clinton campaign hired Pamela Anderson, the chesty Baywatch gal whose popularity soared with her appearance in Playboy Magazine.  There are no plans to put Hillary in the publication, but there is a strategy that will have her strutting her stuff and catching renewed attention.

“When we started the Clinton for President Campaign we said it was about the issues and not about Hillary being a woman,” said Clinton campaign manager Patti Solis Doyle, adjusting her bra.  “But after the bump we got in the polls when Hillary said she was a woman trying to break into the boys club, and then the loss of traction we got when we tried just dodging the issues and talking trash instead, we decided to use sex as a weapon.  But really, what woman doesn’t?”

Clinton’s popularity started slipping as voters began to realize that she has no experience running anything let alone a state or country, and is basically just a manipulator who ignores ethics and does whatever it takes to win.  Pamela Anderson, besides being a hot babe, is known to be pretty smart.  The Campaign is counting on her to help Hillary become more popular while still avoiding the issues.

“Hillary isn’t bad looking for her age, and if we enhance her chest, or just bump up her cup size and then add a plunging neckline, we can ratchet up her popularity pretty quickly,” said Pam Anderson, changing the size of her breasts from DD to EE and then back again.  “She already has a lot of the women’s vote, now if we get the guys looking at her boobs and ignoring her politics, we think they’ll want to see her in office.  It’s really pretty simple … just like most of the guys I know.”

In related news, advisors to Barack Obama say he may start carrying zucchini’s in his pants pockets if it’ll help get more of the women’s vote.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Martian Evacuation Planned as Asteroid Closes In

Debate rages over resettlement plan for earth’s moon

Inebriated Press
December 28, 2007

U.S. astronomers say there is a chance an asteroid could hit the planet Mars by the end of next month.  Wary Martians are planning to bail out and intend to settle on earth’s moon.  But some lactose intolerant citizens don’t like the idea.

“There has got to be a planet with less cheese, and I don’t see why we can’t just go there,” said Vrbpt Jstkr, a Martian musician known for blowing glass and fooling NASA probes.  “I’m lactose intolerant and I’m afraid that all the moon cheese will make me break out with hives or make my sexual organs fall off.”

Stargazers in Arizona discovered a 50-meter wide asteroid in November that was designated “2007 WD5.”  Astronomers at the U.S. space agency NASA’s Near-Earth Object Office are tracking the object and say it may pass within 48,000 kilometers of Mars or even strike the planet by January 30.

“We think a quick move to earth’s moon is the best thing to do right now,” said Kbpv Tkbmr, a member of the Martian Council and an executive for U-Haul Mars Division.  “We know that we can sustain ourselves on all of moon’s cheese and while we’re there we might even find vowels we can pass on to our children.  There’s no point staying here and getting blasted by WD, some kind of penetrating oil based asteroid.”

Until scientists find something better the asteroid will continue to be known by the boring catalog name of 2007 WD-5.  WD-40 is the trademark of a widely used penetrating oil spray developed in 1953 by a guy named Norm Larsen.  It has many household uses and has never been known to have struck a planet.  It’s hoped that by the time WD-5 nears Mars, scientists will have come up with a plan and a better name.  Some scientists think that by using lasers they can turn it into penetrating oil.  No one is sure about the oil plan, but they are working on a new name.  Current ideas are “Asteroid Bob,” “Bad Ass Cindy,” and “Chesty McGee.”

In related news, there is no evidence to support the notion that too much cheese makes ones sexual organs fall off, but former U.S. president Bill Clinton says that there’s no point in taking chances.  He said he also likes the name “Chesty McGee” and would like to meet her.

(C) 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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