Martian Evacuation Planned as Asteroid Closes In

Debate rages over resettlement plan for earth’s moon

Inebriated Press
December 28, 2007

U.S. astronomers say there is a chance an asteroid could hit the planet Mars by the end of next month.  Wary Martians are planning to bail out and intend to settle on earth’s moon.  But some lactose intolerant citizens don’t like the idea.

“There has got to be a planet with less cheese, and I don’t see why we can’t just go there,” said Vrbpt Jstkr, a Martian musician known for blowing glass and fooling NASA probes.  “I’m lactose intolerant and I’m afraid that all the moon cheese will make me break out with hives or make my sexual organs fall off.”

Stargazers in Arizona discovered a 50-meter wide asteroid in November that was designated “2007 WD5.”  Astronomers at the U.S. space agency NASA’s Near-Earth Object Office are tracking the object and say it may pass within 48,000 kilometers of Mars or even strike the planet by January 30.

“We think a quick move to earth’s moon is the best thing to do right now,” said Kbpv Tkbmr, a member of the Martian Council and an executive for U-Haul Mars Division.  “We know that we can sustain ourselves on all of moon’s cheese and while we’re there we might even find vowels we can pass on to our children.  There’s no point staying here and getting blasted by WD, some kind of penetrating oil based asteroid.”

Until scientists find something better the asteroid will continue to be known by the boring catalog name of 2007 WD-5.  WD-40 is the trademark of a widely used penetrating oil spray developed in 1953 by a guy named Norm Larsen.  It has many household uses and has never been known to have struck a planet.  It’s hoped that by the time WD-5 nears Mars, scientists will have come up with a plan and a better name.  Some scientists think that by using lasers they can turn it into penetrating oil.  No one is sure about the oil plan, but they are working on a new name.  Current ideas are “Asteroid Bob,” “Bad Ass Cindy,” and “Chesty McGee.”

In related news, there is no evidence to support the notion that too much cheese makes ones sexual organs fall off, but former U.S. president Bill Clinton says that there’s no point in taking chances.  He said he also likes the name “Chesty McGee” and would like to meet her.

(C) 2007

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