Dogs likely to become cats in 1 million years

Evolutionist surprises scientists who thought dogs would become trees

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
December 24, 2007

Inebriated scientists hiding in an underground bunker in New Jersey have released a paper announcing that they’ve successfully projected the future of cats one million years from now.  And they’ve found out that they used to be dogs.  This has caused an eruption of controversy as other scientists were convinced that the bonding that some male dogs seem to have with trees and posts would have caused them to become trees themselves.  The debate is raging as this sort of thing often does.

“Dogs will become trees in the future and that’s all there is to it,” said Norton Spamblocker, a scientist widely known for his discovery of nonplused chickens who refuse to be intimidated by knowledge of time and space.  “These guys in New Jersey are just making stuff up.”

Evolutionary change, survival of the fittest, and the philosophy of continual improvement have been topics of speculation and debate for the past week as scientists have met in their annual “Scientists Convention Reprising Environment, Wisdom, Yada Yada” (SCREWYY).  The convention which is often panned by journalists due to the lack of beer and public nudity, takes place each year just outside of Chicago at a pizza house that only serves New York style pies.  The scientists who attend often do so out of boredom.

“SCREWYY in Chicago is a great place to be each year because there’s really nothing much going on back at UCLA nowadays,” said a scientist who declined to be identified but who admitted he liked cheese.  “Unless you get out there and start making up outrageous stuff, you can’t really get ahead in the area of scientific theory nowadays.  And nobody really wants to work at applied science that much.  You just get into trouble over ethics and things when you start trying to do good.”

In other news, common Americans keep doing good and confused Islamofascists keep trying to stop it.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

Sunday Toon ~ Responsibility

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

WAC: Women – Make Big Money Working At Home

Weekend Ad Copy (WAC) by: Ronco Media HiFi Division
Inebriated Division / Tabliod Division
December 22, 2007

Are you a woman who’s tired out of working hard for somebody else and not getting the money and respect you deserve?  Wish you could make big money at a job with hours that you set and do it in your own home?  Well stop wishing and start fishing for dollars the easy, at home way!

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Sign up for your own HiFi business today by mailing your measurements and current photo, plus name, address, telephone and social security numbers to:

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Fine print:  Some health, financial and other risks may apply.  Ronco HiFi retains all rights to do whatever we want.  Ronco HiFi isn’t responsible for anything.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

Jamie Lynn Spears to star in MTV’s “Knocked Up”

Pregnant 16 year old Zoey star grows up fast

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 21, 2007

Jamie Lynn Spears, the level-headed younger sister of Britney Spears, the drunken, underwear-less pop star and separated mother of two, is pregnant at 16 and changing TV shows.  Jamie Lynn the popular Zoey on Nickelodeon’s “Zoey 101” is 3-months pregnant by her 19 year-old boyfriend and hopes to cash in by switching to Viacom’s MTV.  Following on the heels of the popular movie “Knocked Up” MTV decided to capitalize on the star’s pregnancy by offering her the new role.

“While we don’t condone or encourage children to get pregnant, we’re willing to capitalize on the opportunity if we can work out the contract details,” said Viacom CEO Philippe Dauman, flipping through pages of Teen Mom Magazine.  “Competition is stiff in the younger age groups and it’s been tough going up against Disney’s “High School Musical”, especially with Vanessa Hudgens nude pictures going online.  We think the “Knocked Up” movie tie-in coupled with the MTV brand can make this Spears pregnancy drive ratings better than her sisters’ no-underwear pictures did the tabloids.  And you know what a hot property those were.”

Not everyone is comfortable that encouraging 16 year-olds to get pregnant for MTV is the right thing to do.  “I thought Jamie was the sane one in the Spears family and wouldn’t join the tabloid set until she was at least 18,” said Linda Lu, a mother of two, from Whoville, who had hoped to keep her daughter Sue from drugs, the seedy side of the Internet and an early pregnancy.  “This just isn’t getting any easier.”

In an exclusive with OK! magazine, released on Wednesday, Jamie Lynn Spears, the star of Nickelodeon’s Zoey 101, confirmed that she is 3-months pregnant with the child of her 19-year-old boyfriend, Casey Aldridge.  Many considered Jamie Lynn the anti-Britney, able to eke out a showbiz career without the controversy.  Jamie Lynn never acquired the fame of older sister Britney and is a minor celebrity, starring in the popular Zoey 101, a Nickelodeon show operated by Viacom.  Viacom also owns MTV.

Lynne Spears, the mother of troubled pop star Britney Spears and her pregnant 16-year-old sister, Jamie Lynn said that news of Jamie’s pregnancy shocked her.  “Jamie has always been very conscientious and to my knowledge was tucked in bed early every night.  Maybe I should have checked on her to make sure she was alone and what she meant when she would call down the stairs, ‘everything is tucked in’.”

In related news, a parenting book written by Lynne Spears has been postponed indefinitely according to Lindsey Nobles, spokeswoman for Tennessee-based Thomas Nelson Publishers.  But shares of Viacom were up .10%, or 23 cents, to $43.17 in Wednesday afternoon trading.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

Soup versus Stew Battle Heating Up

Lawsuit breaks out in messy controversy without aprons

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
December 21, 2007

Hormel Foods Corp. filed a lawsuit against Campbell Soup Co., alleging the company uses false advertising to suggest its new line of Chunky soups contain as much meat as stews.  Meat company and SPAM maker Hormel says they know a thing or two about stew meats and although they recently lost a lawsuit against Spam Arrest LLC, a provider of software and services aimed at stopping email spam, they think they can beat Campbell’s Soup. 

“A judge said we weren’t due any money from Spam Arrest because they weren’t trying keep our SPAM out of peoples email and that people could tell the difference between the meat and the spam they get on their PC’s,” said Hormel CEO Jeffrey Ettinger, chewing a ham bone.  “I still disagree, but one thing I’m sure of: there’s a huge difference between stew and soup and by golly we’re going to make Campbell’s stop lying to the American public about the soup they claim is stew.”

Spam Arrest won a five-year legal battle against Hormel Foods Corp to keep its trademark.  And Hormel claims in its suit against Campbell’s, that their “Chunky Fully Loaded Beef Stew” does not contain enough meat to constitute a “stew,” as defined by “industry standards.”  Campbell places the word “soup” on its labels, but Hormel, which makes Dinty Moore stews and other meat products, says it does not do so prominently enough.  Campbell’s disagrees.

“Our labels are renowned in both the retail grocery industry and in the art community and no one should think we’re deceitful just because we call something a stew in name and a soup in fine print,” said Campbell spokesman Andy Warhol, licking a picture of Marilyn Monroe.  “You don’t see any of their labels in New York’s Museum of Modern Art or being promoted in a symposium as pop art.  Campbell’s labels are American icons and all Hormel’s got going for them is some kind of junk email.”

In other news, aprons and bibs are now out of fashion since society is being reconstructed on napkins, and nine out of ten cooks don’t spoil the broth.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

Putin’s power play wins TIME Magazine recognition

Consolidating power and partnering with Islamofascists honorable

Inebriated Press
December 20, 2007

TIME Magazine declared Russian President Vladimir Putin their “Person of The Year 2007” in honor of his crafty play to maintain personal power and crush dissent, plus and his ability to toy with the West by shutting off oil to the Ukraine and Europe sporadically while selling nuclear materials and expertise to Islamofascists in Iran.  TIME editors said President Bush wasn’t a consideration since all he’s done is keep terrorists from attacking the U.S., started winning the war in Iraq and made only general improvements in the countries economy.

“Bush doesn’t have the control that Putin does and is fighting Islamofascists instead of enabling them,” said TIME editor Richard Stengel, removing change from a Salvation Army Kettle and mailing it to an Islamic Militant website.  “George is planning to step down from president after his term and isn’t scheming to pull government strings by shifting around and staying in power like Putin, and he hasn’t shown any effort to crush people in media or other dissenters by locking them in prison.  He’s a real whimp when compared to Vladimir and is no competition for Person of the Year at all.”

In making the announcement, TIME wrote: “When this intense and brooding KGB agent took over as President of Russia in 2000, he found a country on the verge of becoming a failed state.  With dauntless persistence, a sharp vision of what Russia should become and a sense that he embodied the spirit of Mother Russia, Putin has put his country back on the map.  And he intends to redraw it himself.  Though he will step down as Russia’s President in March, he will continue to lead his country as its Prime Minister and attempt to transform it into a new kind of nation, beholden to neither East nor West.”

Not everyone thinks what Putin is doing is all that great.  “Putin is moving too slow and should have shelled Germany by now,” said Uslow Keiller, a former KGB agent known for indiscriminate poisonings when the mood strikes him.  “He’s letting the whacko Arabs do his dirty work for him and should just jump into the Middle East, destroy Israel and consolidate power in the oil fields the way nature intended.  Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad should be ‘Person of the Year’ because he’s the one almost single handedly destabilizing Iraq and keeping Israel off balance, while buying arms from China and nuclear material from Russia.  He’ll take Iran nuclear in a year or so and have the world shitting bricks.  Now that son of a bitch has balls and doesn’t give a shit what anyone thinks.  Throw in a few beatings of women for not wearing a tarp over her head and kill a couple guys who say they’re gay and you’ve got someone with personality deserving of respect.”

In other news, U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said he respects TIME’s decision and hopes to have enough balls to become “person of the year” himself someday.  Reportedly Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has more balls than Reid and keeps them in a jar on top her refrigerator.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

Bonnie and Clyde were pioneering coin collectors

Killed in a misunderstanding

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 20, 2007

In a cover-up recently flushed into the light by Inebriated reporter Bristol Meyers, it has been revealed that the notorious “Bonnie and Clyde” were not robbers and thieves at all, but merely misunderstood coin collectors hunted by jealous police officers all after the same nickel. 

“A proof of a 1913 buffalo head nickel with a three dimensional big breasted actress named Phoebe Jones on one side was accidentally put into circulation in 1931,” said Niki Long, an expert in nickels at the Certified Coin Exchange in Sarasota, Florida.  “It was well known that Clyde Barrow liked breasts and nickels and in 1931 he hooked up with Bonnie for her breasts, and then went on tour across the country trying to find the nickel.  People have tried to tell this story before but no one would listen.”

Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow died in a hail of gunfire on a desolate road near Bienville Parish, Louisiana in 1934.  The couple was considered notorious outlaws, robbers and criminals who traveled the Central United States during the Great Depression.  Their exploits were known nationwide.  They captured the attention of the American press and its readership during what is sometimes referred to as the “public enemy era” between 1931 and 1935.  Although the couple and their gang were notorious for their bank robberies, Clyde Barrow preferred to rob small stores or gas stations.  Most historians are convinced they were crooks.

“Parker and Barrow robbed and killed for money and excitement,” said Emil V. Baklog, a historian and wet blanket who never seems to get caught up on his work.  “To some extent I guess they were collecting coins, but they also took bills and lives pretty indiscriminately.  If they were just trying to find one nickel they were pretty darn violent about it.” 

In other news, Israeli Intelligence says that Iran still wants them wiped off the face of the earth, but Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says all he really wants is a nickel they have hidden someplace inside the country.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

It’s Obama vs. Clinton as Black Hole Blasts Galaxy

Amazing void overtakes innocent bystanders in time and space

Inebriated Press
December 19, 2007

Astronomers were stunned this week to see a jet of highly charged radiation from a supermassive black hole at the center of a distant galaxy blasting another galaxy nearby.  And Iowans are being clobbered by the empty promises of two presidential candidates, one who has no experience, and the other who has only fake experience.  Scientists and historians say they’ve never seen such power come from empty voids.

“The black hole radiation being spewed at the innocent galaxy and at folks in the State of Iowa is dramatically affecting the atmosphere, and any life forms there are lucky to be alive,” said scientist and political historian Mabel-Leaf Masters, a fine woman who also moonlights as a Canadian sex therapist.  “The unfortunate galaxy in the line of fire may be destroyed and as for the people of Iowa, well they’re probably going to need more than bagels and sex counseling to get them back on track.”

Using images from the orbiting Chandra X-Ray Observatory and other sources, scientists said the extremely intense jet from the larger galaxy can be seen shooting across 20,000 light-years of space and plowing into the outer gas and dust of the smaller one.  It’s an act of galactic violence that astronomers said Monday they have never seen before.  And presidential candidates are blasting away in Iowa despite the lack of basis for anything that they say.

“Barack Obama has been in the Senate just a year and has no business experience.  Hillary is in her second term as Senator and her most valuable political skill was to neutralize her husband’s ‘bimbo eruptions’,” said soothsayer and political isolationist Neville Spearman, an expert in vampires, tales of terror and U.S. politics.  “In 1992, Hillary appeared with her husband on ‘60 Minutes’ as he admitted to straying in his marriage, but denied having an affair with singer Gennifer Flowers — a false denial, it turns out.  In 1998, Hillary Clinton blamed the Monica Lewinsky story on a ‘vast right-wing conspiracy’.  These things are more than Obama has done, but they hardly make her leadership material.  To think that any of the Democratic candidates could actually become president is pretty darn scary.” 

But some observers are more philosophical and even find the bizarre events fun.  “The amazing power of political nothingness is quite spectacular to observe and I enjoy that,” said local historian and stripper Coleen Miles, a midget known for physical and mental dexterity.  “In some respects it isn’t surprising that the competition here in Iowa is fierce because you have the top two candidates who both want to avoid being pinned down on any topic, because they know nothing about anything.  The ‘black hole debates’ we’ve been having are almost stunning in their vacantness.  I just hope that not too many voters get hurt.”

In other news, the giant sucking sound you hear is the black hole currently emanating from Democratic candidates for the U.S. presidency.  The occasional explosions you hear are the Iranians testing their nuclear material to see how much electricity they can generate.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

Societal chaos is natural selection in action

Ethics irrelevant says Darwinian philosopher

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 19, 2007

The natural state of humankind is action embodied in conflict as individuals and their collective societies vie for sex, power and supremacy.  The concept of ethics is window dressing created by some social groups who wish to distract or slow the progress of those gaining the upper hand.  In the end it’s only those who obtain societal leadership and control of TV remotes who will rule and perpetuate their kind.  That is the latest pronouncement of experts who hope to explain what in the world has been going on.

“Anyone who says you should behave in a certain way because it’s right is trying to sell you something,” said Sam Simpleton, a Darwinian philosopher who once planned to rule the world, but gave up after deciding it was too much work.  “There is no certain way to behave and religions and philosophies that try to instill ethics and rules on society are only doing it so they can establish some kind of control for themselves.  The concept of self control just gets in the way of people who want to do whatever they feel like.”

Over the years various philosophers and religions have taught that humans should show self control and kindness to one another and some have had bouts of success, but more often than not individuals or groups have broken with the efforts to restrain them and started wars, went on killing sprees or invented cures for complex diseases.  Debates about when to break societal “rules” and whether restraint really equals discipline and whether discipline is good have been ongoing for centuries.

“The United States of America is a country that resulted largely from Europeans fleeing religious oppression and establishing a European-like society in North America but with religious tolerance backed with lots of religious principles underpinning the government all tied with individual rights over that of the State,” said Bob Hope, a comedian who became a philosopher shortly after his death.  “Of course they had to kill a lot of natives and take their land in order to establish the new country, but that’s a time honored tradition.  The natives had been doing that to each other prior to the Europeans showing up.  Conquering others and enforcing ones will is a natural thing, historically and semi-ethically speaking.”

In related news, stem cell research and genetic engineering continue to be seen as important keys to a brighter, healthier future for humankind, and efforts to stop them from going forward are also seen as keys to a brighter, healthier future for humankind.  Debate over who should control the TV remote continues to rage.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

U.S. surrenders to Iran

Russian fuel arrives for Iranian nukes
Democrat led Congress says there’s nothing to worry about

Inebriated Press
December 18, 2007

After years of delay, Russia delivered nuclear fuel to power a reactor in southern Iran yesterday, defying requests by the U.S. and other Western powers that Moscow refrain from helping build the country’s atomic infrastructure.  Iran’s president said on Sunday that the publication of a U.S. intelligence report saying Iran had halted a nuclear weapons program in 2003 amounted to a “declaration of surrender” by Washington in its row with Tehran.  Israel says Iran is still dangerous, but Democrats running the U.S. Congress say there’s nothing to worry about anymore.

“The National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) proved that Iran is a peaceful country now and their recent purchases of jet fighters from China and nuclear material from Russia is related to plans they have to conduct weather experiments,” said U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, mixing Jim Jones brand Kool-Aid for distribution across America.  “We should be happy to let Iran develop their weather and energy programs.  They may find a way to impact global warming in some way — perhaps over Israel.”

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Sunday of the U.S. NIE report “It was in fact a declaration of surrender … It was a positive action by the U.S. administration to change their attitude and it was a correct move.”  Some people think that Iran’s plan to ramp their plutonium producing centrifuges from 3,000 to 50,000 and their statements that they want Israel wiped off the face of the earth and the U.S. destroyed, could still be taken in a negative light.

“If I told you I wasn’t going hunting but was out buying guns and materials needed to assemble bullets so I could do work on my furnace, would you be comfortable with that?” asked an unnamed source speaking from under a desk at the U.S. Department of Defense.  “Ahmadinejad keeps doing and saying things that indicate he wants a nuclear weapon and he wants certain countries destroyed.  I don’t know about you, but if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and talks like a duck, maybe it is a duck.”

Israeli Public Security Minister Avi Dichter said the U.S. intelligence report saying that Iran halted its nuclear weapons program four years ago is dead wrong.  Israeli intelligence says Iran could have a nuclear weapon by the end of 2009.  But U.S. leaders don’t agree.

“Israel is just paranoid because Iran says they should be destroyed and they’ve been funding Hamas’  effort to terrorize Israel and enlist others to do the same,” said U.S. Senate majority leader Harry Reid, speaking on the condition that no one laugh during his talk.  “Just because virtually all the countries surrounding Israel hate them and want them destroyed, and just because Iran says they would like to nuke Israel and is now buying all the materials needed to do that, it doesn’t mean it will happen.  I once bought a tie that I didn’t wear.”

In other news, the bleeding obvious continues to be ignored by most members of U.S. Congress and despite training in tolerance grade school kids are still getting beaten up by bullies.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

Al Gore a cross-dressing stripper?

Arrested at post-award party

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 18, 2007

Former U.S. Vice President Al Gore was arrested last night at a party following his acceptance of a Nobel Peace Prize won for telling people that it’s getting warmer outside. Reportedly Gore was taken into custody by Oslo authorities after stripping off a bra and sequined dress and accepting a 50 kroner note that someone tucked into his g-string.  It’s okay to be a cross-dressing stripper and to accept money in Norway, but you have to register as an artist with the government.  Gore hadn’t registered and was found in violation of a public artist rule.  Gore expressed disappointment.

“For crying out loud, I’m a Nobel Prize winner, I can do what I want,” Gore reportedly said while shaking his ass simultaneously in two directions.  “It’s hotter outside and we have to do something about that, listen to me people, and don’t think about all the greenhouse gas emissions that my mansion kicks out or what my travel here has cost the environment.  It’s not about what I’m doing wrong it’s about everyone else’s screw ups.  I should be president for god’s sake.”

Authorities said Gore forgot his ATM card back home and expected to be given a bag of cash and not a check with the Peace Prize, so he was trying to earn some cash to pay for lunch and his trip back home.  Last year a Norwegian appeals court ruled that striptease is an art form and should therefore be exempt from value-added taxes. Gore said he was willing to pay for the permit to strip, but authorities said the fact that he was doing it at a party not officially for art or stripping disqualified him.  Greenpeace is taking action to help him out.

“Al has done a good job of telling people that things are warming up outside and he deserves our support with this new stripper fund raising venture he’s started,” said John Passacantando, Executive Director at Greenpeace, crushing a small child recently accused of saying bad things about baby seals.  “American leaders who condemn their own country over all kinds of things are a dime a dozen, but ones who not only rip their country but also strip for money are few and far between.  We need to protect and support them like dolphins or other lonely fish.”

Gore received the award at a gala ceremony in Oslo’s city hall before Norwegian royalty, leaders and invited guests.  The other Nobel awards – the ones with actual meaning – in medicine, chemistry, physics, literature and economics, were presented at a separate ceremony in Stockholm, Sweden.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

Human evolution study backs ML Baseball players

New theory replaces ‘natural selection’ with ‘unconscious selection’

Inebriated Press
December 17, 2007

A new study on human development reviewing the past 40,000 years of evolution backs statements made by major league baseball players Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens who say they never knowingly took medications that altered their physical or mental makeup. Reportedly Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig will apologize to the players and others implicated in a recent study indicating that players were knowingly altering their bodies using illegal substances.  Finally science delivers some clarity to an uncomfortable situation and all players are eligible for the Baseball Hall of Fame again.

“I was pretty upset when former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell said I took performance-enhancing drugs and knowingly tried to change my body,” said Barry Bonds, the major league ball player who’s head grew three cap sizes after he turned 30.  “Now that everyone knows that it’s merely the result of evolutionary process and that most of those people accusing me are actually underdeveloped morons, and I’m a more highly evolved human being, we will be able to move forward with my future indictment into the Hall of Fame and my weekend efforts to perpetuate my species down at Murphy’s Strip Club.”

Researchers led by Robert K. Moyzis of the University of California, Irvine, and Henry C. Harpending of the University of Utah — analyzing variation in human genomes — have concluded that humans aesthetic and utilitarian preferences have been responsible for molding the present human form and consciousness.  Applied to other species it’s called ‘artificial selection,’ but the new theory implies we did it all quite naturally, unconsciously, and that the exponential evolutionary acceleration we have achieved as a species in recent time is just what you’d expect.  That means baseball players statements that they never knowingly took steroids or other illegal compounds to alter their bodies, is completely correct.  It was an evolutionary event that took place entirely unconsciously and was entirely natural.  But not everyone agrees.

“They may be unconscious part of the time, like when they felt that a few million dollars a year in compensation wasn’t enough, but I think they noticed when their assistants were stabbing them in the ass and injecting illegal steroids and human growth hormones,” said Stubby Lewis, a short guy known for sneaking around and finding out stuff nobody wants people to know about.  “And anybody who says that baseball players are more highly evolved than the rest of us has never tried walking through all the spit and sunflower shucks in a baseball dugout after a game.  Calling it a pig sty is an insult to pigs.  No, these guys are devolving if anything.  You see how hairy and Neanderthal looking they get on those chemicals?  Yikes.”

Mitchell’s report says Brian McNamee, a former Toronto Blue Jays strength coach, testified that Clemens received injections of the steroid Winstrol in Toronto in 1998.  McNamee says he also injected Clemens with testosterone and human growth hormone after Clemens moved to the New York Yankees in 2000.

In June of 2003 Barry Bonds described his training regimen prescribed to him by the Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative (BALCO) in Muscle and Fitness Magazine. Bonds states that BALCO founder Victor Conte and BALCO began measuring the nutrient levels in the outfielder’s blood, then prescribed specific supplemental regimens to correct imbalances. In December 2004 Bonds admitted receiving “cream” and “clear” substances from his personal trainer during the 2003 baseball season, according to the San Francisco Chronicle. He denied knowing they were steroids.

Dr. Moyzis said the study on human evolution shows that once people developed culture, they protected themselves from the environment and from the forces of natural selection.  Moyzis also said that people had to adapt to the environments that their culture created, and the new analysis shows that evolution continued even faster than before. 

“In Bonds’ and Clemens’ cases they are simply evolving right in front of our eyes,” said Dr. Moyzis, evolving into a Monarch butterfly and fluttering around the room.  “We should be worshiping them as greater beings than us and not criticizing them.”

In other news, American politics continue to devolve and nine out of ten voters surveyed think presidential candidates should start taking something that enables them to evolve a higher level of awareness and start grasping reality.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com