Monthly Archives: January 2008

Middle-Aged and Miserable; Infrared Hat to The Rescue

Researchers verify age of depression; others invent tech treatment

Inebriated Press
January 31, 2008

Fox News reported Tuesday that U.S. and U.K. researchers using data from two million people and 80 countries have determined that most people in the world become depressed at age 44.  In the U.S. the peak depression age for women is 40 and for men it’s 50.  No one is sure why.  And in a related story, Dr. Abdel Ennaceur, a researcher at the University of Sunderland says he and his research team have developed an Alzheimer’s hat that will stop the progression of the disease by bombarding the brain with a specific wavelength of infrared light.  Some researchers think that if 40 year olds without Alzheimer’s start wearing the hat, maybe they’ll perk up.

“We’ve known for years that middle-aged individuals get to feeling blue and start drinking and sleeping around with people other than their spouses; guys start driving sports cars and wearing lots of jewelry and women buy loads of shoes and shop like their addicted to it,” said Dr. Phibes, a researcher of humans dead, undead and partially dead, who likes needle point and drawbridges.  “This study merely confirms it.  The good news is that if people make it to age 70 and are still physically fit, they are on average as happy and mentally healthy as a 20-year old.  Beyond that it’s hard to tell, but I think the Alzheimer’s hat might help out from ages 40 to 70 and then maybe later on too.”

Some people think the Alzheimer’s hat should be used at age 30 just to try and perk people up so they can avoid the disease and maybe depression too.  “I think peoples brain cells should be bombarded by infrared light and other shit as soon as they break 29 and it should continue until they drop dead,” said animal rights activist and humanitarian Felix Moore, a man often confused with an asshole.  “Humans are pissed off a lot of the time at all ages and that makes them hurt cats and dogs.  If it were up to me, the use of infrared light on the brains of men and women would just be a start.  I’ve got some stuff I carry in a bag here, that I’d like to use on a few people I’ve met.  I’m not sure it would make them less depressed, but I know I’d feel better.”

The British and U.S. researchers found that happiness for people ranging from Albania to Zimbabwe follows a U-shaped curve where life begins cheerful before turning tough during middle age and then returning to the joys of youth in the golden years.  “It happens to men and women, to single and married people, to rich and poor, and to those with and without children,” said Andrew Oswald at Warwick University, who co-led the study.  “Nobody knows why we see this consistency.”

A team of British researchers is showcasing the bizarre-looking contraption that they call the Alzheimer’s hat.  They say it could stimulate the healing and regeneration of brain cells using a specific wavelength of infrared light — a category of radiation most often associated with heat energy.  Human trials on the Alzheimer’s hat are scheduled to begin this summer.  A U.K.-based medical research company has in the past developed a machine to treat cold sores using the same infrared technology from which the hat is said to derive its benefits.

“Cold sores, Alzheimer’s and middle aged depression are all pretty much the same thing,” said Charlie Chan, a depressed middle aged detective with a cold sore and a tendency to forget he’s Irish.  “Right now this infrared hat is too big to wear around town and has to be hooked to a large power supply.  If we can downsize it and integrate it into Nike caps we’ll have people running around in sportswear all cheerful and without cold sores.  It’s an idea worth spending lots of money on.  Send me some will yah; I’m a little short right now.”

In related news, political scientists are intrigued by the infrared hat idea and hope that in the future a hat can be created that infuses common sense into political candidates.  Regardless of age, hope continues to spring eternal.

(C) 2008

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Humans: Bane of the Earth, or Natural Selection in Action

Debate over the value of people, matter and common sense continues

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
January 31, 2008

Human beings have been increasingly turning against themselves in what some call masochism and others call a practical approach to saving the earth.  Green activists blame humans for changes in the world’s climate and the extinction of plants and animals and are advocating a combination of ecology and selective suicide.  Others argue that humankind is too puny to impact the world sufficiently to cause either a good or bad planetary outcome, but if we can we’re just proving to be the most highly evolved and should be wiping out all species that get in our way.  Doctor Kevorkian favors mass suicide and Rush Limbaugh says it’s a safe bet for people to do anything they want.  The debate rages.

“Al Qaeda has it figured out and we should be killing Westerners who have wasteful values and begin immediately destroying current industry and technology and replacing it with systems from the 1300’s,” said a guy claiming to be former British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain, encouraging peaceful resolution by giving in.  “Humankind is the reason for every problem that exists in the world.  Ultimately we may have to eliminate all people if we hope to live good lives well into the future.  Or something like that.”

Not everyone thinks humans should be wiped out because they might be doing some things wrong.  “I exist in time and space on this planet and like the creatures before me, I’ll eat what I want, live where I want and do what I want so much as I can and if some big bug eats me, then so be it,” said Howard H. Cheeseman, a lactose intolerant wrestler who believes in survival of the fittest at all costs and at all times.  “In fact there should be no rules at all.  Anything that can be done should be done, unless someone tougher than me kicks my ass and won’t let me do it.  Beyond that, anything goes.  If an insect has to die, or winter isn’t so cold, so be it.  I’ll take that risk.”

The debate over human beings impact on the earth and whether car emissions, methane from cows or warm moist air off the ocean will ultimately wreck the earth and destroy the future spins on.  Interestingly, while it appears most experts and nobodies are all convinced that aerosol from cans are destroying the earth’s ozone layer and changing the climate, it wasn’t so long ago that the U.S. and Soviet Union were blowing up atom bombs in the atmosphere over the earth just to see what would happen.  Some scientists in the 1960’s believed that by exploding the devises in space, that the universe itself would be destroyed.  That’s why some favored it; others didn’t.  Time will tell whether cow burps destroy us, greenhouse gas, or silly things we did with bombs in the past that we don’t even remember anymore.  Or, if in fact, we have any impact at all.

“There’s nothing to worry about unless you’re a worrier who just wants to worry,” said Tootsie Blonde, a cute co-ed who believes that humans focus way too much on themselves and their impact on things, but really don’t mean shit in the scope of the universe, time or space.  “We can’t see the edge of the universe and haven’t a clue what’s at the bottom of the ocean.  In the 1970’s scientists were convinced we were entering an ice age because the earth was cooling and now we think we’re destroying the earth because it’s getting warm.  We could be in a 10,000 year cycle for all we know.  Let’s face it.  We have no clue what’s going on.  I mean really; who do we think we are, and what kind of universe challenging power do we think we exert?”

In other news, experts continue to insist they know everything and activists remain certain regardless of the facts.  Fortunately the news media reports only the most sensational stuff so we are able to avoid being bored and are able to worry about everything.

(C) 2008

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Spy Satellite Will Plunge to Earth, Probably Will Miss You

Government says there’s no point worrying
Microsoft to release update, agrees with government

Inebriated Press
January 30, 2008

White House National Security Council spokesman Gordon Johndroe told reporters on Monday that a disabled U.S. spy satellite is likely to fall to earth within weeks.  He said the government is monitoring it and doesn’t think it’ll hurt anybody but aren’t entirely sure where it or its bits will land.  Meanwhile, Microsoft has begun warning Office 2003 users that it will begin pushing the software’s Service Pack 3 via Microsoft Update next month.  This follows a dustup earlier this month over new security settings in Office 2003 SP3 that landed on a lot of users, blocking access to a swath of older file formats.  Fortunately for us Microsoft and the Federal Government have let us know something is coming so now we can relax.

“I know that I can’t do shit about the satellite landing on my house or Microsoft screwing up my Office software, but at least I’ll know what it was if I get creamed by either,” said Bodacious Colander, a voluptuous woman who typically lets bothersome things slide past her like cat box sand through a sieve, and only pays attention to bothersome clumpy stuff.  “Sure I’d like to avoid being crushed by government satellites and Microsoft updates just like the next person.  But what am I supposed to do about it?  Guess I’ll have a beer and hope for the best.”

Not everyone is reacting so casually to the news.  “Holy shit we’re all going to die,” shouted consumer advocate Ralph Nader, spinning on the floor of his office like a top until his left shoe flew out a window and into the storm sewer.  “We need an FBI inquiry into the Federal Government and a lawsuit against Microsoft and I need some shoes because I just lost one, and I haven’t had lunch yet, but it’ll probably kill me if I eat it because of all the trans fats and additives and microbes that I can’t see.  Shit, shit, shit.  Where’s the damn Tylenol?

On Monday White House National Security Council spokesman Gordon Johndroe said that since 75 percent of the Earth is covered in water and much of the land is uninhabited, the likely percentage of the spy satellite or any debris falling into a populated area is very small.  But he said the U.S. government was monitoring the satellite’s descent from orbit and examining different options to “mitigate any damage.”  The U.S. military could potentially use a missile to destroy the minivan-sized satellite in space, but one senior U.S. defense official said that was unlikely for several reasons, including concern about creating space debris as China did when it shot down one of its satellites last year. 

On Monday Microsoft Corp. gave users of its Office 2003 application suite a 30-day warning that it will begin pushing the software’s Service Pack 3 via Microsoft Update.  Customers who have not already installed SP3 and that have chosen to receive updates automatically will start to receive the service pack as early as February 27, a Microsoft spokeswoman said.  The notice followed a problem earlier this month when new security settings in Office 2003 SP3 blocked access to older file formats.  After users complained on the company’s support forums, and a software rival asked why its files were being barred, Microsoft apologized and posted work-arounds to make it easier for users to unblock the formats. 

In other news, all the front running Democrat candidates for president have said that if they’re elected they will increase taxes and cut our military defense, beginning in the Middle East.  Now that we know, we can all relax and not worry about it.

(C) 2008

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Adolf Hitler Alive and Flying a UFO in Texas

119 year-old dictator still trying to take over the world

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
January 30, 2008

Adolf Hitler, a German dictator from 1934 to 1945, was spotted at the helm of an enormous flying saucer hovering over southern Texas this week.  The appearance of the dictator surprised many, since he has not been seen since 1945 in a bunker during World War II, where he purportedly took his own life.  History is being remade in the Texas atmosphere, and Inebriated reporter Mickey Spillane is there and reporting.

“Locals here in Smalltown Texas recognized Hitler through the window of a glowing orb hovering in space about the size of either a huge Chevy SUV or a Toyota Hybrid, depending upon which car salesman you’re talking to,” said Inebriated reporter Spillane, looking slim and fit, having cut down on trans fats and alcohol following his death in 2006.  “Eye witnesses say Hitler was a little green looking but was still wearing the old swastika arm band, had the ugly patch-mustache and looked psycho.  Sounds like the guy alright.”

Not everyone thinks Hitler is roaming Texas airspace in a flying saucer.  “Soldiers found the bastards’ carcass in the smoldering bunker.  There’s no way he somehow became a space alien and is now a 119 year-old dictator trying to take over Texas,” said U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, turning over a black 8-ball and checking the answer before making a crucial tie-breaking vote in Congress.  “The Allies choked out the Nazi’s and Hitler killed himself.  Of course if today’s Democrat controlled Congress were running things we would have negotiated with him and he could have kept most of Europe and lived out his life peacefully.  It’s a shame that someone so energetic like him went so young.”

Adolf Hitler was a German politician, who became the leader of the National Socialist German Workers Party and was appointed as the Chancellor of Germany in 1933.  After the death of President Paul von Hindenburg in 1934, Hitler declared himself Führer, combining the offices of President and Chancellor into one using the power vested in him by the Enabling Act, and he became totalitarian ruler.  During the final days of World War II in 1945, as the German capital of Berlin was being invaded and destroyed by the Red Army of the Soviet Union, Hitler married Eva Braun and less than 24 hours later, the two committed suicide in the Führerbunker.  Not everyone was convinced Hitler died in the bunker and the flying saucer incident has renewed the debate.

“Hitler never died and always had connections with space aliens who gave him his advanced planetary vision, and enabled him to live forever,” said Smarmy Voter, a postal recipient who likes icky bits of history and presidential elections.  “Just you wait; he’s organizing a Mexican army of illegal aliens and outer-space workers and melding them into a force that’ll take over the world, starting with Texas, hotel chains and meat packing plants.  From there it’s a small step to getting Poland back and a bunch of other stuff.”

In loosely related news, politicians continue to lean toward dictatorship and totalitarianism because they are more efficient forms of government that can eliminate financial waste, inefficient use of the governments’ time and silly personal freedoms.

(C) 2008

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Candidates Turn to Porn Industry Because They Can Keep a Secret

Hillary and Obama’s current fundraisers keep getting caught

Inebriated Press
January 29, 2008

Indicted political fundraiser Antoin “Tony” Rezko was arrested at his suburban Chicago home by federal agents yesterday.  Rezko raised thousands of dollars for Barack Obama’s run for the presidency but tended to get caught doing illegal things.  Norman Yung Yuen Hsu was indicted for fraud by a federal grand jury late last year.  Hsu raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for the Hillary Clinton campaign for president.  The Democrat National Committee (DNC) is so disappointed in the carelessness of their racketeers’ and mob fundraisers, that they’ve  started encouraging candidates to work more closely with the porn industry.  Former president Bill Clinton is on board.

“It’s painfully obvious that our sneaky financial connections just aren’t sneaky enough to avoid getting caught these days,” said former president Clinton, speaking to the press from his New York office, a combination Hooters and massage parlor.  “On the other hand, the porn people I’m close to have channeled contributions of all kinds of cash and prizes to me over the years.  And they’re mostly legal and almost nobody cares.  It’s time the DNC recognizes that the porn industry’s support is our best bet for consistent, under-the-table funding that works.  Hey, we’re all grown ups here.  What did people think was going on with my fundraisers in the Lincoln Bedroom during my two terms?  Cash and sex is what makes politics work in today’s world.”

Not everyone favors a higher profile for the porn industry in American politics.  “It’s bad enough that president Kennedy was sleeping with mafia mauls and president Clinton was sleeping with any female that had breath in her,” said Sir Lancelot, formerly a knight of the Round Table, currently an out of work maitre d’ serving fries at McDonalds.  “If the porn industry starts directly funding and supporting candidates there’ll be no end to the crazy stuff going on in the White House.  The West Wing will become a brothel.  Lawmakers will never return home to their districts.”

Political fundraiser Tony Rezko was arrested by the FBI Sunday at his home in Chicago.  Rezko has fundraising ties to presidential candidate Barack Obama.  Obama says he had no indication of any problems with Rezko when he accepted thousands of dollars in campaign contributions from him.  Fund-raiser Norman Hsu pumped $850,000 into Hillary Clinton’s campaign bank account, and raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for local, state, and federal candidates who endorsed Clinton or whose support she courted.  Democratic presidential hopefuls that collected money from Hsu and his network, include Senator Barack Obama of Illinois, Senator Joseph R. Biden Jr. of Delaware, and Governor Bill Richardson of New Mexico.  Clinton was the biggest beneficiary of Hsu, who was reportedly trying to establish himself as one of her elite fund-raisers by pulling in more than $1 million.

“I’m giving Bill Clinton’s ‘Porn Industry for Major Politicians’ (PIMP) Fund some serious consideration,” said DNC chairman Howard Dean, waxing his legs and doing deep breathing exercises.  “The guy got elected president twice and got away with lying to a grand jury about banging interns in the Oval Office.  The man understands sex, power, politics and how to avoid prison.  It’s time the DNC catches up to the level of creative genius that Bill represents.  We’ve been horsing around with low brow ethnic fundraisers who get caught long enough.”

In other news, Hillary Clinton continues to deny that she ever had sex with Bill, but genetics experts still believe that Chelsea Clinton is related to both of them.

(C) 2008

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Clinton’s Dog Dies in Mob Hit

Hillary put contract out on Bill’s Labrador

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 29, 2008

Rumors that presidential candidate Hillary Clinton arranged a mob hit on a family member have been circulating on the campaign trail and new information appears to confirm her involvement.  People have long believed that Hillary hated Buddy, Bill’s chocolate-colored Labrador Retriever.  Bill got the dog while president and rumors held that Hillary didn’t like Buddy because the dog didn’t get along with their cat Socks.  Eventually Bill gave Socks away and insiders say Hillary always resented it.  Buddy was run down by a car and killed near the Clinton home in Chappaqua, New York, on January 2, 2002.  New inside information appears to confirm the theory that Hillary did indeed conspire to kill Buddy and arranged the hit.

“I was in the kitchen under the table when Hillary wired money to a mobster named Louie in New York,” said Dixie Bateman, a Democratic operative who often sleeps under tables and squeals on people.  “She hated Buddy.  Said he was a bad dog.  Rented a big SUV and had him run down.  I wouldn’t normally say anything, but I like dogs and hate cats.”

Not everyone agrees that Hillary had Bill’s dog killed.  “Hillary doesn’t care about cats, dogs or anyone who’s not a campaign donor,” said Harry Reid, current Senate majority leader and a sputtering old guy who pretends to know what he’s doing.  “She’s got no quarrel with any dog.  That mob hit was years before and it was on Vince Foster.  Deftly handled too.  Silly rumors.”

Buddy, a male chocolate-colored Labrador Retriever, was one of two pets owned by Bill Clinton while he was president of the United States.  The Clintons’ other pet was a cat named Socks.  Clinton acquired Buddy as a puppy in 1997 from Caroline County, Maryland, and named him after his late uncle.  Socks didn’t get along with the frisky Buddy, so the White House had to keep the two in separate quarters.  Since this arrangement would be no longer possible in the Clintons’ smaller home in New York, Socks was left under the care of Bill Clinton’s secretary, Betty Currie.  Buddy, however, suffered the same fate as Clinton’s previous dog, a cocker spaniel named Zeke, when he was killed by a car while running loose near the Clinton home in New York.  Vincent Foster was a Deputy White House Counsel during the first term of President Bill Clinton, and also a law partner and friend of Hillary Rodham Clinton.  His death was ruled a suicide by official investigations, but remains a subject of interest among conspiracy theorists.

“Dogs are man’s best friend but have never been known to be good friends with female presidential candidates,” said historian and occasional dog, Fred MacMurray, A.K.A. The Shaggy Dog.  “Back in ’91 before I died, I liked Bill just fine but never cared for Hillary.  I think the same was true of Buddy.  Getting knocked off though was a tough break.  Kind of like what Barbara Stanwyck and I did in Double Indemnity.  I guess that’s just the way it goes some times.  Poor Buddy.  Should have seen it coming.”

In related news, a recent survey of lawmakers found that most of them like pets, but nine out of ten would drive on them if it meant winning the election of their choice.  The Humane Society has issued a warning to cats and dogs encouraging them to be on the lookout for elected officials driving automobiles.

(C) 2008

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Texas UFOs make California turn against medical marijuana

Mechanic says U.S. F-16s were modified by Mexicans using Yugoslavian parts

Inebriated Press
January 28, 2008

Dozens of people in Stephenville, Texas have reported sightings of a UFO over the past several days.  And the California Supreme Court ruled that employers can fire workers who test positive for marijuana even if they have a note from a doctor recommending its use for medical reasons.  Sources say the typically liberal California Court heard reports from Texas citing UFO sightings and decided that Air Force mechanics and Texans on hemp aren’t clear-headed.  Debate over UFOs and medicinal cannabis continues.

“There are UFOs in Texas and they’re illegal aliens from space without passports, come here to harvest marijuana crops with the help of Mexican laborers,” said Britney Spears, a part time parent, border agent and pop star, who has a deep understanding of alien life-style and drug use.  “When people started reporting on them and border agents showed up, the space aliens were concerned that Americans would deport them like illegal Mexican workers.  They fled the scene.  That means a smaller crew for weed harvest and less product for sale in California.  I think the Court is allowing companies to crack down on marijuana use just so they can regulate the smaller supply.”

Not everyone thinks the UFOs have anything to do with marijuana or Mexican workers.  “It was the U.S. Air Force experimenting with an old Yugo we rebuilt for space flight,” said Karl Lewis, a Major in the U.S. Air Force who has a minor in history and sings tenor in a local chorus.  “At first we wouldn’t admit it because we didn’t want anyone to know we were messing around with old Eastern European technology.  It’s true we used a few workers from various dimensions to work on the interstellar time and space circuitry, but there was no marijuana use.”

On the night of January 8 several people in the small Texas town claimed they saw a UFO, detailing a flying object that was about a mile long and changed colors.  The United States Air Force first denied that they had planes or other things hovering in the area, but later said that they were ten F-16 fighter jets.  Residents of the small town aren’t convinced that the Air Force F-16s, or anything else humans fly, look or act like what they saw.

The California Supreme Court ruled 5 to 2 that a Sacramento company had the right to fire Gary Ross in 2001 after a routine drug test came back positive for marijuana.  Ross showed RagingWire Inc. a copy of his physician’s recommendation to smoke the drug to relieve chronic back pain from three lumbar vertebrae fractured when he fell off the wing of an F-16 as an Air Force mechanic in 1983.

“I was involved in an Air Force program involving F-16s and Yugos and worked with some Mexicans who were green and shaped like pea pods,” said Mr. Ross, taking a drag of medicine and clearing his mind with a couple gulps of Tequila.  “I knew they weren’t totally legal, but the military has been using German scientists to design A-bombs and illegal green Mexicans to help design our new F-16/Yugo’s.  I’m not supposed to tell you this ’cause the Air Force could get into trouble over it, but it’s the truth.  Without these illegal alien Yugo mechanics, we couldn’t get these birds in the sky.  Hey, you want a drag, this is some good shit.”

In other news, Carl’s Chop House in Detroit has filed with the state for a topless permit.  Known as a landmark that serves a good New York strip steak the owner says he’ll continue the same menu but plans to add strippers for entertainment.  No word on whether a New York strip will come with a New York strip or whether aliens with F-16s will provide medicinal marijuana for desert.

(C) 2008

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