Daily Archives: January 1, 2008

Koreans still lie, and Dick Clark lives forever

Consistency rules as 2007 ends and 2008 begins

Inebriated Press
January 1, 2008

South Korea, the United States and Japan expressed disappointment Monday as an end-of-year deadline for North Korea to declare all its nuclear programs under an aid-for-disarmament deal appeared set to pass unmet.  That means North Korean president Kim Jong-il lied again.  Meanwhile in New York, Dick Clark the ageless wonder, rocked in the New Year one more time.  Proponents of consistency have honored Jong-il and Clark with the “Timeless Global Dependability Award” because they can always be counted on to keep doing the same thing over and over again.

“Dick Clark and Kim Jong-il are two of the most dependable people on earth and can be relied on to do ‘more of the same’ year in and year out,” said Zigfeld Mumford, an expert in consistency and a part-time Swiss clock.  “Just knowing that Clark will be heralding in the New Year every 31st of December and Jong-il will be lying and cheating the West every day, gives me a feeling of warmth and confidence as we head into 2008.  Dang it’s nice to know that some things never change.”

In February, North Korea promised to abandon its nuclear ambitions in return for energy aid and political concessions.  In October, it vowed to disable its nuclear facilities and declare its programs by the end of the year.  The U.S. has been shipping oil and cash to the Koreans as part of the deal.  Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve is a television program, which airs every New Year’s Eve on ABC.  It has been hosted by American television legend Dick Clark since its first airing on December 31, 1972.  Last night Clark’s Rockin’ Eve 2008 was hosted by Clark and Ryan Seacrest and featured songs from Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. 

“I love watching Rockin’ Eve, eating popcorn, wearing jumpsuits and ripping off the West,” said North Korean president Kim Jong-il, wiping U.S. oil off his lips and sucking caramel corn through a straw.  “And it pleases me to be recognized for my consistency.  I thought that when I didn’t let a couple cities starve last fall that maybe I’d lose my shot at winning, but I guess by failing to follow through on my nuclear concessions I pulled off the win anyway.  Good thing Americans are so gullible and Europeans so stupid.  I just love you guys.”

Last week, a North Korean official indicated that the country would slow its disablement work because it was dissatisfied over the delivery of aid.  Apparently they want more aid and want it faster. 

“I’m extremely disappointed that the Republican administration hasn’t given more money and oil to the North Koreans at the speed that they want it,” said U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, cursing common sense and offering her five remaining brain cells to the Koreans in exchange for three more empty promises.  “When Bill Clinton was president, he dumped aid on them so fast it made our heads spin.  Sure Jong-il lied to him; Jong-il does that to everyone.  We just need to make concessions faster and everything will be okay.  That’s the best way to deal with terrorists, dictators and small children.”

In other news, Fox reports that singer Beyonce is stripping down to nothing but a pair of skin-tight jeans to promote her new clothing line, House of Dereon.  Selling clothes without clothes on — it’s almost like a page out of Jong-il’s playbook: “Something for Nothing or Nothing for Something”.  Maybe less really is more.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Marilyn Monroe found stripping in Vegas

81 years old and still looking good

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 1, 2008

Marilyn Monroe, the popular film star from the 1950’s and 60’s is currently working as a stripper in Las Vegas, and for an eighty-one year old she looks mighty fine.  Acting on a tip, an Inebriated investigative reporter headed for the Vegas strip looking for Monroe and confirmed that she is there and is keeping busy.  Reportedly she grew bored with her life, faked her death and herded sheep in Wyoming for several years before deciding to return to “show business”.  Not everyone is convinced the old naked broad is Monroe.

“Marilyn Monroe is not stripping in Vegas at eighty-one,” said Murphy Two-Tone McGee, a guy who thinks hair color can double as an energy drink and often wakes up at night screaming for no reason.  “Everyone knows she was murdered in 1962 by the mafia to get back at President Kennedy.  When that didn’t get Kennedy to stop Bobby from investigating them, they shot him in Dallas and framed the Cubans.  Besides the stripper isn’t as cute as Monroe at any age and based on what I’ve seen the stripper is a natural blonde.”

Other investigators and locals think the stripper is indeed Monroe.  “There is not a question in my mind that it’s Marilyn,” said Allysin, a Las Vegas escort and part-time weight lifter who likes to knit dumbbells in her spare time.  “I heard her sing Happy Birthday once and it sounded just like the old film I saw of Marilyn singing it at Kennedy’s birthday.  That and the fact she gave me $50 bucks to tell you this have me convinced it’s her for sure.”

Marilyn Monroe, born Norma Jeane Mortenson, was a Golden Globe award winning American actress, model, Hollywood icon, and sex symbol.  She was known for her comedic skills and screen presence.  Monroe became one of the most popular movie stars of the 1950’s and early 1960’s.  During the later stages of her career, she worked towards serious roles and was known to “spend time” with then-president John F. Kennedy.  Her premature death at 36 was classified as a “probable suicide.”  Many individuals including Jack Clemmons, the first LAPD Police officer to arrive at the death scene believed that she was murdered.  Monroe’s recent discovery in Las Vegas has turned history on its ear again.

“Just knowing that Marilyn is alive and stripping in Vegas gives me a renewed sense of hope that Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan really can turn their lives around no what others say,” said Hollywood psychiatrist and faith healer Leonard Nimoy.  “The sooner those girls start stripping for money and herding sheep, the better off they’ll be.”

In related news, most investigators and historians insist Monroe is still dead, but then they’ve never hired anyone from an escort service or been to a strip club, so how would they know?

© 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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