81 years old and still looking good
Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 1, 2008
Marilyn Monroe, the popular film star from the 1950’s and 60’s is currently working as a stripper in Las Vegas, and for an eighty-one year old she looks mighty fine. Acting on a tip, an Inebriated investigative reporter headed for the Vegas strip looking for Monroe and confirmed that she is there and is keeping busy. Reportedly she grew bored with her life, faked her death and herded sheep in Wyoming for several years before deciding to return to “show business”. Not everyone is convinced the old naked broad is Monroe.
“Marilyn Monroe is not stripping in Vegas at eighty-one,” said Murphy Two-Tone McGee, a guy who thinks hair color can double as an energy drink and often wakes up at night screaming for no reason. “Everyone knows she was murdered in 1962 by the mafia to get back at President Kennedy. When that didn’t get Kennedy to stop Bobby from investigating them, they shot him in Dallas and framed the Cubans. Besides the stripper isn’t as cute as Monroe at any age and based on what I’ve seen the stripper is a natural blonde.”
Other investigators and locals think the stripper is indeed Monroe. “There is not a question in my mind that it’s Marilyn,” said Allysin, a Las Vegas escort and part-time weight lifter who likes to knit dumbbells in her spare time. “I heard her sing Happy Birthday once and it sounded just like the old film I saw of Marilyn singing it at Kennedy’s birthday. That and the fact she gave me $50 bucks to tell you this have me convinced it’s her for sure.”
Marilyn Monroe, born Norma Jeane Mortenson, was a Golden Globe award winning American actress, model, Hollywood icon, and sex symbol. She was known for her comedic skills and screen presence. Monroe became one of the most popular movie stars of the 1950’s and early 1960’s. During the later stages of her career, she worked towards serious roles and was known to “spend time” with then-president John F. Kennedy. Her premature death at 36 was classified as a “probable suicide.” Many individuals including Jack Clemmons, the first LAPD Police officer to arrive at the death scene believed that she was murdered. Monroe’s recent discovery in Las Vegas has turned history on its ear again.
“Just knowing that Marilyn is alive and stripping in Vegas gives me a renewed sense of hope that Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan really can turn their lives around no what others say,” said Hollywood psychiatrist and faith healer Leonard Nimoy. “The sooner those girls start stripping for money and herding sheep, the better off they’ll be.”
In related news, most investigators and historians insist Monroe is still dead, but then they’ve never hired anyone from an escort service or been to a strip club, so how would they know?
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