Daily Archives: January 4, 2008

Bhutto and Britney: same planet, different world

Interpretation of freedom and responsibility differ

Inebriated Press
January 4, 2008

Pakistan’s Benazir Bhutto was murdered last week by a suicide bomber as she traveled the country stumping for the presidency.  She was a Muslim woman pursuing leadership with an anti-terrorism and pro-democracy platform in a Middle East rife with killers believing a twisted version of a male dominated theocracy.  Meanwhile back in free America, Britney Spears staged another no-show at her court-ordered deposition on Wednesday – putting herself at risk of landing in jail.  Spears was expected to give her child custody-related deposition in Los Angeles but for the fifth time in a row she failed to show up.  Bhutto risked her life and lost it by showing up to talk democracy.  Spears risks losing permanent rights to her own children because she won’t even show up to talk about them.  The importance of showing up for things continues to be debated.

“You shouldn’t have to show up for stuff but should still get your way,” said Amy Wright, a seventh grader who believes it should be mandatory that teachers give good grades to kids who want them, but that studies and tests shouldn’t interfere with kids rights to do whatever they want.  “Britney is a role model for me because she does whatever she wants and is successful and popular.  Now that her sister is pregnant at 16, I want to do that too.  I like doing popular adult stuff and having no responsibility.  I might run for Congress some day too.  I’m as clever as Nancy Pelosi, just younger.”

Some people believe that it’s better to emulate someone who does good things like promoting freedom and democracy even though it’s risky sometimes.  “Doing the right thing isn’t always easy,” said Abraham Lincoln, still dead but speaking through an interpreter using soup cans and kite string.  “Showing up and doing selfless acts are oftentimes what’s best for families and societies.  I admit it got me killed because I did what I thought was right and that pissed off some folks.  Would I do it again?  Yup, I sure would.  Except for going to the theatre that night, and maybe marrying Mary Todd, I wouldn’t change much.”

The Publius Pundit website reported that a spokesperson for the al-Qaeda terrorist network has claimed responsibility for the death of former Pakistani prime minister Benazir Bhutto: “We terminated the most precious American asset which vowed to defeat [the] mujahadeen,” Al-Qaeda’s commander and main spokesperson Mustafa Abu Al-Yazid told Adnkronos International (AKI) in a phone call from an unknown location, speaking in faltering English.  Al-Yazid is the main al-Qaeda commander in Afghanistan.  And E! News reports that the attorneys who have been representing Britney Spears in her ongoing custody case are asking to be relieved as her counsel, according to court documents filed Wednesday.  “There has been a breakdown in communications between Petitioner and Trope & Trope making further representation of her interests impossible,” reads the motion filed on behalf of the pop star’s main legal man, Sorrell Trope. 

The famous New York philosopher Woody Allen once said “80 percent of success is just showing up”.  Time will tell whether Bhutto’s showing up and subsequent martyrdom will create a backlash against al-Qaeda in Pakistan.  And time will tell whether Spears will find her way back to the blue planet and discover a better understanding of individual freedom and the rights and responsibilities that come with it.

In other news, despite the Hollywood writers strike late-night talk-show hosts showed up to do their programs this week.  David Lettermen has his own production company so he cut a deal with his writers and they showed up to put words in his mouth.  Jay Leno doesn’t produce his show like Letterman does, so he can’t cut his own deal and was left inventing words of his own.  Either way both showed up and risked neither their lives nor children but tried to produce a show and earn money for the other staffers.  Some Pakistani’s and drunken pop stars are puzzled as to why.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Larry King not really dead

CNN swears he’s still alive

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 4, 2008

CNN reports that Larry King is not dead.  The network stands by their statement despite rumors that the host of “Larry King Live” is actually a large sock puppet and that King’s lack of a heart beat and an EKG reading of zero indicate that he is no longer living.  CNN executives say that the shows low ratings are stable and that’s as much as they can hope for.

“Having a host that’s alive is a luxury for many of our programs and in cable TV it’s really the ratings that matter most anyway,” said CNN executive Sissy Spacek, eating potato chips out of her shoe.  “TV news has never been about real life or even the person you see on the tube being alive.  It’s always been about being interesting, making money and getting away with stuff.”

Not everyone thinks a dead sock puppet host constitutes good television.  “Larry’s ratings are stable but then dead guys can’t move much so that’s not a real surprise,” said denture wearer and coffee drinker Shirley Jones.  “Stability at near zero isn’t doing much.  But then, I guess the advertisers don’t mind and it’s their money that’s paying for this.  Anybody got some Amaretto and whiskey?  Dang I love that stuff.”

Larry King, 74, is an award-winning American writer, journalist and broadcaster.  He currently hosts the nightly interview program on CNN called Larry King Live, one of the longest running talk shows on American television.  Shirley Jones is actually an Academy Award-winning American singer and actress known for her role as “Shirley Partridge,” the mother of five children, in the television series The Partridge Family.  She starred in many films, including the highly successful musicals Oklahoma!, Carousel, April Love and The Music Man.  CNN is the Cable News Network, a major news cable television network founded in 1980 by Ted Turner a buffalo raiser who currently owns most of the state of Nebraska.  Sissy Spacek is a CNN executive who eats a lot of potato chips, despite denials by CNN.

In related news, Fox has been beating CNN in the news ratings arena largely because CNN uses dead guys and Fox is using lively blonde bombshells.  Reportedly CNN is reconsidering their approach.

© 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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