Larry King not really dead

CNN swears he’s still alive

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 4, 2008

CNN reports that Larry King is not dead.  The network stands by their statement despite rumors that the host of “Larry King Live” is actually a large sock puppet and that King’s lack of a heart beat and an EKG reading of zero indicate that he is no longer living.  CNN executives say that the shows low ratings are stable and that’s as much as they can hope for.

“Having a host that’s alive is a luxury for many of our programs and in cable TV it’s really the ratings that matter most anyway,” said CNN executive Sissy Spacek, eating potato chips out of her shoe.  “TV news has never been about real life or even the person you see on the tube being alive.  It’s always been about being interesting, making money and getting away with stuff.”

Not everyone thinks a dead sock puppet host constitutes good television.  “Larry’s ratings are stable but then dead guys can’t move much so that’s not a real surprise,” said denture wearer and coffee drinker Shirley Jones.  “Stability at near zero isn’t doing much.  But then, I guess the advertisers don’t mind and it’s their money that’s paying for this.  Anybody got some Amaretto and whiskey?  Dang I love that stuff.”

Larry King, 74, is an award-winning American writer, journalist and broadcaster.  He currently hosts the nightly interview program on CNN called Larry King Live, one of the longest running talk shows on American television.  Shirley Jones is actually an Academy Award-winning American singer and actress known for her role as “Shirley Partridge,” the mother of five children, in the television series The Partridge Family.  She starred in many films, including the highly successful musicals Oklahoma!, Carousel, April Love and The Music Man.  CNN is the Cable News Network, a major news cable television network founded in 1980 by Ted Turner a buffalo raiser who currently owns most of the state of Nebraska.  Sissy Spacek is a CNN executive who eats a lot of potato chips, despite denials by CNN.

In related news, Fox has been beating CNN in the news ratings arena largely because CNN uses dead guys and Fox is using lively blonde bombshells.  Reportedly CNN is reconsidering their approach.

© 2008

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