Daily Archives: January 7, 2008

Smoke and med’s or smoke and mirrors

Ingesting chemicals, or not

Inebriated Press
January 7, 2008

WebMD reports that nearly half of all U.S. doctors give patients dummy pills or placebos without telling them.  And Yankees pitcher Roger Clemens says he got shots of vitamins but not steroids as claimed by his personal trainer.   Britney Spears was hospitalized last week for either drugs or insanity, they aren’t sure which; and all across the world smoking bans are being put into effect for our protection.  The ingestion of chemical substances on purpose or by accident along with their avoidance on purpose or by accident is being hotly debated.

“My personal trainer is a doctor who injected me with placebos and not really steroids the way people originally thought he was,” said Yankee baseball pitcher Roger Clemens.  “Now he’s forgotten that they were fake and is claiming they were steroids.  I don’t hold it against him, he accidentally inhaled next to Britney Spears and who knows what he’s ingested.  Probably cocaine or cigarette smoke.  Either way, he’s a basket case now.  He should go into rehab.”

As 2008 begins, new smoking bans are going into effect in multiple cities, airports, restaurants and other U.S. locations, as well as in France, Britain, Germany and other places worldwide.  Fear of accidentally inhaling cigarette smoke is terrifying many global citizens but taking drugs on purpose continues to be an acceptable pastime among entertainers, professional athletes and people who live in alleys and near high schools.

“It’s my right to be able to ingest anything and everything that I want and no one should try to stop me,” said Smith Barney, a professional juggler who hopes to make it as an investment banker someday.  “But cigarette smoke will kill me dead so I hope more laws go into effect to restrict people from using that product with its dangerous chemicals.  I also hope that marijuana gets legalized eventually, everyone knows its relaxing and it can’t hurt you.”

WebMD says that nearly half the doctors surveyed at three Chicago-area medical institutions reported that they have used placebos in medical practice.  Doctors said they had administered a variety of placebos to patients, including vitamins, low-dose drugs, and in some cases simple sugar tablets.  Almost 20% of doctors said they had used fake pills to calm patients, 15% said they used placebos to satisfy patients’ “unjustified” demands for treatment, and 6% to get patients to “stop complaining.”

“Drugs have so many side effects that I don’t like to prescribe real ones,” said an MD in Maryland, covering her name tag so we couldn’t see it.  “I have no problem with people self-medicating or using recreational drugs, but I’m not taking chances by encouraging any type of drug use myself.  Most bad colds go away on their own within a week and most flu’s are over in a couple of days.  I still occasionally set broken bones and will use radiation to make popcorn, but that’s about it.  My patient survival rate is as good as anybody else’s.  Those who don’t make it probably inhaled some cigarette smoke accidentally.”

In other news, ABC News reports that the University of Virginia is testing a Viagra-like drug for women who have lost interest in sex.  No word on whether the product is real, imagined or if it can be inhaled by accident.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Smoke and med’s or smoke and mirrors

Filed under Humor, IP News

Bin Laden arrested in strip club brawl

Released after giving robes to strippers

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 7, 2008

Terrorist and robe wearer Osama bin Laden was arrested at a strip club in Morocco last night after trying to make the strippers wear veils.  Reportedly a scuffle broke out at the “Bare Hip Club” where bin Laden was relaxing after a tough couple of months with al Qaeda in the Afghan mountains.  Bin Laden has been known to aggressively promote veil wearing and indiscriminate murder, both under the guise of religious freedom.  Officials released him after he gave the strippers several of his lovely robes and they dropped charges.

“I’ve been having a hard time of it lately,” bin Laden reportedly told a waitress while nuzzling her navel.  “The Iraqi’s have been gaining ground against me and if it weren’t for the complacency of the Pakistani government I couldn’t even keep up with the U.S. in Afghanistan.  I have a veil fetish and dang it these strippers should be wearing them.”

Not everyone thinks the robe wearing guy was bin Laden.  “I’ve seen bin Laden’s robes and they aren’t that big a deal,” said stripper and robe aficionado, Candy Lane, putting a spare breast in her pants pocket.  “The robes the girls in Morocco got were really nice ones.  I think it was a Saudi sheik pretending to be bin Laden.  The Saudi’s got some nice threads.” 

In recent months the Iraqi people have begun turning against al Qaeda in Iraq and the U.S. has been cracking down on Taliban remnants in Afghanistan.  Pakistan is allowing al Qaeda and members of the Taliban to rule regions of their country undisturbed and move across the Pakistan-Afghanistan border.  That has bothered U.S. officials but the recent assassination of Pakistani presidential wannabee Benazir Bhutto by terrorists shows how tough they are to get along with.  Meanwhile robe and veil wearing continue to be debated by strippers and terrorists.

“I used to do a ‘Dance of the Seven Veils’ so messing with veils works for me,” said Cindy Lou, a stripper from Who-ville who likes energy efficiency, world peace and nudity in general.  “The only thing that puzzles me is if the strippers in Morocco recognized bin Laden, why didn’t they cut his nuts off and use them as dangle balls on their cars rearview mirror?  Screw the robes he’s handing out.”

In related news, ten out of ten strippers surveyed say they prefer veils to bin Laden under all circumstances.  Only three of ten would use bin Laden’s balls as decorations; the rest would mail them to people they don’t like.

© 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Bin Laden arrested in strip club brawl

Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid