Smoke and med’s or smoke and mirrors

Ingesting chemicals, or not

Inebriated Press
January 7, 2008

WebMD reports that nearly half of all U.S. doctors give patients dummy pills or placebos without telling them.  And Yankees pitcher Roger Clemens says he got shots of vitamins but not steroids as claimed by his personal trainer.   Britney Spears was hospitalized last week for either drugs or insanity, they aren’t sure which; and all across the world smoking bans are being put into effect for our protection.  The ingestion of chemical substances on purpose or by accident along with their avoidance on purpose or by accident is being hotly debated.

“My personal trainer is a doctor who injected me with placebos and not really steroids the way people originally thought he was,” said Yankee baseball pitcher Roger Clemens.  “Now he’s forgotten that they were fake and is claiming they were steroids.  I don’t hold it against him, he accidentally inhaled next to Britney Spears and who knows what he’s ingested.  Probably cocaine or cigarette smoke.  Either way, he’s a basket case now.  He should go into rehab.”

As 2008 begins, new smoking bans are going into effect in multiple cities, airports, restaurants and other U.S. locations, as well as in France, Britain, Germany and other places worldwide.  Fear of accidentally inhaling cigarette smoke is terrifying many global citizens but taking drugs on purpose continues to be an acceptable pastime among entertainers, professional athletes and people who live in alleys and near high schools.

“It’s my right to be able to ingest anything and everything that I want and no one should try to stop me,” said Smith Barney, a professional juggler who hopes to make it as an investment banker someday.  “But cigarette smoke will kill me dead so I hope more laws go into effect to restrict people from using that product with its dangerous chemicals.  I also hope that marijuana gets legalized eventually, everyone knows its relaxing and it can’t hurt you.”

WebMD says that nearly half the doctors surveyed at three Chicago-area medical institutions reported that they have used placebos in medical practice.  Doctors said they had administered a variety of placebos to patients, including vitamins, low-dose drugs, and in some cases simple sugar tablets.  Almost 20% of doctors said they had used fake pills to calm patients, 15% said they used placebos to satisfy patients’ “unjustified” demands for treatment, and 6% to get patients to “stop complaining.”

“Drugs have so many side effects that I don’t like to prescribe real ones,” said an MD in Maryland, covering her name tag so we couldn’t see it.  “I have no problem with people self-medicating or using recreational drugs, but I’m not taking chances by encouraging any type of drug use myself.  Most bad colds go away on their own within a week and most flu’s are over in a couple of days.  I still occasionally set broken bones and will use radiation to make popcorn, but that’s about it.  My patient survival rate is as good as anybody else’s.  Those who don’t make it probably inhaled some cigarette smoke accidentally.”

In other news, ABC News reports that the University of Virginia is testing a Viagra-like drug for women who have lost interest in sex.  No word on whether the product is real, imagined or if it can be inhaled by accident.

(C) 2008

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