Daily Archives: January 8, 2008

How comfortable should America make killers?

Cruelness of lethal injection studied by U.S. Supreme Court

Inebriated Press
January 8, 2008

Convicted killers Ralph Baze and Clyde Bowling Jr. brought suit in federal court saying that lethal injection for killers is too uncomfortable and should be outlawed.  The U.S. Supreme Court heard arguments yesterday.  Baze killed a Sheriff and his Deputy when they tried serving arrest warrants on him and Bowling killed a husband and wife and injured their 2-year-old son in the parking lot of the couples dry-cleaning business.  The killers say that only cold blooded murderers are allowed to inflict pain on victims and the State has no right to make them uncomfortable.

“When I slaughtered Steve and Art, the sheriff and deputy, I was doing it as a cold blooded killer and didn’t care how comfortable they were,” said Baze, a convicted murderer who likes Pop Tarts and killing people.  “Inflicting pain, suffering and terror is the prerogative of killers and its part of our code.  Only people like me have a right to do it.  The idea that the State can infringe on my comfort and take my life by injecting drugs to make me pass out and then die is immoral and should be made illegal.”

Not everyone agrees that first degree murderers should be comfortable in life or death.  “They don’t want injection, then blow their heads off or hang them at dawn,” said Jessie McGee, a precocious seven year old who hasn’t been medicated with Ritalin or infused with a liberal bias toward non-reality.  “I agree that a convicted killer shouldn’t have to wait on death row for years.  They should be hung or shot at dawn the morning after their trial is completed.   Maybe even within fifteen minutes of it.  The idea that we should cater to the comfort of people who did the least catering to innocent people whose lives they took is a bad joke.”

The U.S. Supreme Court heard arguments Monday on whether lethal injection causes excruciating pain for death row inmates and violates the Constitution’s ban on “cruel and unusual punishment.”  The justices have never directly addressed the fundamental question over the use of the chemical “cocktail” of drugs used to execute convicted killers.  Baze, 52, admitted killing Powell County Sheriff Steve Bennett and Deputy Arthur Briscoe in 1992 while the lawmen were trying to serve him with arrest warrants.  Bowling was convicted of killing Edward and Tina Earley in Louisville in 1990. Their 2-year-old son was wounded in the attack in the couple’s dry-cleaning business parking lot.  Kentucky Gov. Ernie Fletcher had signed a warrant for Baze to be put to death, but on September 12 the state Supreme Court stayed the execution, saying it needed more time to review another appeal by Baze, challenging his trial on technical grounds.  Baze told The Associated Press that he was “tickled” by the state court’s decision.

“I killed some innocent folks because I wanted to and now I’m sitting here in a taxpayer paid room eating taxpayer paid food and watching the taxpayers fund the Supreme Court’s deliberation as to whether the State has any right to take my life or make me uncomfortable,” said Baze, pondering mayhem and the delightful ineptness of the U.S. justice system.  “I love this country!  After they let me off altogether I might even vote.”

In other news, Islamofascists continue to protest their treatment by the U.S. and say they have a right to behead people indiscriminately but the U.S. doesn’t have a right to retaliate.  The U.S. court system thinks they may be right.  Meanwhile, common sense remains on extended vacation with few signs that it may return.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on How comfortable should America make killers?

Filed under Humor, IP News

God on toast

Images of deity and saints appear on food
Will decency and substance appear in society?

Inebriated Press
January 8, 2008

Fox News reported last week that a woman in Houston has discovered what she says is the image of Christ and a crucifix in a potato she was slicing for French fries.  This follows the discovery of Jesus image on a pancake in 2006, a fish stick in 2004 and on a sandwich in Nebraska in 2001.  His Mom, the Virgin Mary, appeared on a grilled cheese sandwich in 1994.  It was sold on eBay ten years later to GoldenPalace.com, an Internet casino, for $28,000.  In 1999 Muslims in England spotted “Allah” written inside their tomato and in 2006 some folks in Kazakhstan read “Allah” on a chicken egg.  Some say these food based deity sightings indicate the end of the world is near while others say it’s all faked or just imagination run wild.  Still others wonder if common decency will start appearing within humankind, or if we’re just left hoping we can ingest images of deity and simply ward off hunger.

“Seeing images that people think are appearing in our food to remind us that God is present reminds me of the old saying ‘they can’t see the forest because of all the tree’s’,” said Zeke Filoski, a Yugoslavian Rabbi whose image once appeared on a milk carton before his parents found him asleep in their bread box.  “If you can’t see the handiwork of God in the beauty and complexity of a flower, or the stars, or the nature of love and compassion, or the miracle of life itself; you’re pretty much blind.  It’ll take more than a picture in a Pop-Tart to wake you up.  Still, if Mother Theresa on a muffin makes you contemplate God, it’s a start.”

Some say that deity based food discoveries have changed their lives.  “I’ve read the Bible, Torah, Koran and some other stuff and it didn’t really mean much to me until holy images started showing up on food products,” said Zippy Squirrel, a small rodent who hopes to become a puppet next week and a small planet next month.  “I used to worship random things because I thought the world was meaningless and it was up to me to create my own reality and meaning.  After seeing the Virgin Mary on grilled cheese, I got thinking maybe there was more going on in the universe that I didn’t understand and perhaps theology did play a role of some kind.  That, or KitchenAid.”

Most believers in God are unconcerned about whether images of saints or deity are actually appearing on or within consumer food products.  They say that helping the sick, the weak and the poor is more important than trading possible images of Christ and His relatives on eBay.  Still others feel that human beings have the sense of sight and taste and believe that by combining imagery with food a religious experience can be obtained.  Enter the “Jesus Pan.”

According to JesusPan.com you can buy a frying pan that will put Jesus’ image on your food each and every day.  No need to wait for the next “discovery” to buy one flapjack on eBay when you can make dozens by yourself whenever you want.  The website says that the JesusPan is made from durable steel and topped with a non-stick coating.  You can get two for $29.99 and discounts for bulk orders.  No word on whether you can get peace on earth or good will toward men if you order before midnight.

Up next, physical hunger or spiritual hunger.  It’s still emptiness unless you find something to fill it.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on God on toast

Filed under Humor, IP News