Daily Archives: January 9, 2008

The Great Satan gives women the right not to be beaten

Many Muslim women struggle under abuse and oppression
Judeo-Christian founded country causing still more trouble

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with pretzels)
January 9, 2008

The International Herald Tribune reports that Muslim American women are beginning to confront domestic abuse.  The report says that domestic violence among Muslims straddles a bleary line between culture and religion.  Some women have been expelled from mosques for even broaching the topic.  The debate stems from a verse in the Koran, long interpreted as giving husbands the right to strike their wives as the final step in an escalating series of punishments for being “rebellious”.  Abuse is in the eye of the beholder?

“Just because I routinely beat my wife doesn’t mean I don’t care for her,” said Ahmud Umud Wemud, kicking his wife in the ass for being too fat to suit him.  “American liberalism and twisted Western values are undermining the freedoms we strict Muslim men have to beat women, force them to wear veils and divorce them on a moments notice if we’re unhappy with them.  No authority is greater than the one that gives me the right to beat my wife as I see fit.”

Some argue that the Koran doesn’t give a man the right to beat his wife whenever he wants but in seminars organized about ending domestic violence among Muslims, at least one man invariably asks on what authority the Koran Chapter 4, Verse 34, could be reinterpreted.

“You can’t change the word of god and ours says we can beat women if we want to,” reaffirmed Wemud, seeking the death penalty for a waitress who burned his toast.  “If this American trend against my faith doesn’t stop I’ll have to join al Qaeda in attacking the U.S. so we can get American law to match my faith’s law.  It’s the only practical way to fix this.”

There are some marked contrasts between the Koran and Holy Bible and perhaps that’s some indicator of how different societies/civilizations based upon them came to view this issue.

Koran, Chapter 4:34 — “Men are the maintainers of women … the good women are therefore obedient, guarding the unseen as Allah has guarded; and (as to) those on whose part you fear desertion, admonish them, and leave them alone in their sleeping-places and beat them…

Bible, Ephesians 5:25 — “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…”

This isn’t to say a society based on Christian principles is perfect and doesn’t have problems, it does.  But the fact that a debate even exists on this topic is a clear indicator that there is a huge gulf between the mindset of the Islamofascist and of those in the West. 

It may be useful to remember that the Taliban in Afghanistan was viewed by al Qaeda as a “pure” form of Islam functioning properly in the Middle East.  You remember: no school for girls allowed, all women forced to wear full body hijab’s, no freedom of speech, no freedom of religion, the soccer field used as a killing field for those who disagreed with the leaders, etc.   Then consider whether American action in that country in response to 9-11 is too much of a bother.  It is indeed a clash of civilizations: Bin Laden versus Abraham Lincoln.  Some question whether one view can be construed as “civil” at all.

In related news, the Great Satan has also caused more schools and hospitals to function in Iraq today than at any time during Saddam Hussein’s reign.  For some reason there are Iraqi’s turning against al Qaeda and its effort to drive the U.S. out and install a version of the Taliban.  Osama bin Laden is shocked and angered by their betrayal of the faith.  Perhaps the real “Great Satan” is not America after all.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Queen Elizabeth embroiled in Internet scandal

Parliament wants nude photos removed from website
Her Majesty says “I’m Queen, I do what I want”

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 9, 2008

Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom has not been known for being risqué or combative, but her current hobby has got Parliament in a tizzy.  The Queen surprised some when she announced she was putting “The Royal Channel” on YouTube last December and has shocked people this month by including video clips of her and hubby Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, in make-out sessions which include nudity.  Members of the House of Lords say that Sovereign or not, this is going too far.

“Displaying the royal bum and boobs for all the world to see is so inappropriate that even members of the House of Commons don’t think it’s right,” said Helene Hayman, Lord Speaker of the House of Lords, a strong believer in well secured undergarments and a supporter of private displays of nudity.  “I admit she’s held up well for her age but still, even we Brit’s must draw the line somewhere.”

Some feel that by publicly exposing herself on the popular Internet website, the Queen is making herself and the Monarchy more approachable and even relevant to Americans.  “I’ve never seed nothin like this in Playboy,” said Zeb Clanton, a hair raising narcissist living in the U.S. Deep South who still thinks the Civil War is going on.  “Dat bitch can be my Queen any day.  Course anythingz better than the damn Yankees.  Sons of bitches.”

“The Royal Channel – The Official Channel of the British Monarchy” was launched on YouTube last year just before Christmas.  The Queen posted her annual Christmas Day message and the launch marked the 50th anniversary of the Queen’s first televised festive address in 1957.  The Palace said it hoped the site would make the 81-year-old monarch’s annual speech “more accessible to younger people and those in other countries”.  Back in 1957, when the Queen delivered her first television message, she acknowledged the need to adapt to changing times.  Her decision to add nudity now is an extension of her effort to continue adapting and connecting with more people.

“Effective communication is the mother’s milk of society and displaying the Royal mammary to the surfing public will help the world better understand that Royalty is still part of humanity and that humanity and nudity exists in Royalty,” said a statement released by the Palace in a plain brown wrapper.  “It was with clear speaking and clear imagery that we Briton’s conquered so much of the world before giving it back, or being beat out of it.  YouTube can help us take back the world, even if it’s only in a sort of metaphysical way.”

In related news, professors of metaphysics say the Queen may exist in a state on non-reality, but since they can’t prove their own existence the Queen has ignored them.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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