Daily Archives: January 10, 2008

The Risks and Benefits of Faking It

Real or imagined: Iran, Sex and Hillary Clinton

Inebriated Press
January 10, 2008

Iran accused the U.S. of faking a video showing armed Iranian speedboats confronting U.S. Navy warships in the Persian Gulf over the weekend and WebMD says that both men and women fake orgasms, usually because they’re tired or just can’t get there from here.  Meanwhile, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton opened her tear ducts and won the New Hampshire primary.  Some say she faked it.  Debate rages over the value of reality and the benefits of illusion.

“The U.S. knows we’re a peaceful country and would never do anything to provoke anyone,” said Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, quietly reaffirming his desire to destroy the U.S. and wipe Israel off the face of the earth.  “When American’s elect a weepy president who better understands me, we’ll get along.  Until then I’ll have to continue to fake purchases of nuclear materials from Russia and fighter jets from China as well as my financial support for Hezbollah in Israel and al Qaeda in Iraq.  Fortunately I have no problems with faked sex at my house because my wife knows I can beat her if things don’t work out.  I’m allowed to do that as part of my religious freedom.  And Americans think they’re free.  Ha!”

Five armed Iranian speedboats approached three United States Navy warships in international waters over the weekend, then maneuvered aggressively as radio threats were issued that the American ships would be blown up.  The video and audio were recorded separately and then matched, Naval and Pentagon officials said Tuesday.  Bush administration officials say they believe that Iran was trying to provoke the United States on the eve of the president’s visit to the Middle East.  Some sex therapists are concerned.

“The feelings of fear or apprehension can harm sexual performance because the orgasm is a result of more than a physical act,” said Mandy Moore, a sex therapist who would like to be a pop singer and maybe start a clothing line.  “To obtain the maximum desired outcome from a sexual experience it’s important that both mind and body are fully engaged and that distractions and concerns about being attacked by Iranians is either ignored or blocked out by feelings of confidence and protection.  This explains why Democrats have the best sex.  They don’t believe that Islamofascists are a threat.  On the other hand some Republicans close to the military have a lot of confidence about defense issues so theirs is pretty good too.  Only Ahmadinejad seems to be faking sex and trying to get nukes.  I think it’s a compensation thing.”

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton teared up at a press conference leading up to the New Hampshire primary vote and then won it.  Pundits say men look weak if they tear up but women look compassionate and caring.  Some say it was Clinton’s way of playing the “gender card” and others say it doesn’t matter because “politics are politics” and political realities are always partly illusion.

“Hillary has been faking it for years and that makes her genuine,” said Bob Cobb-Knob, a social scientist whose name is his one regret.  “She pretends she knows nothing about the scandals she participated in at Rose Law Firm in Arkansas and TravelGate in the White House; she pretends she can trade cattle futures well enough to make $100,000, and she says she’s experienced with health care but ignores that it came from a fiasco during her husbands’ presidency.  This makes her legitimate.  She’ll be able to fake her way through the presidency too.  I’m a big supporter.  I’d much rather have an Armani knockoff than a authentic J.C. Penney.”

In other news, a UK study which looked at the relationship between having frequent orgasms (two or more per week) and mortality found that men who had frequent orgasms had a significantly lower risk of death than men who did not have frequent orgasms.  Scientists say that means Ahmadinejad may be dead next week and Bill Clinton will probably live forever.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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“Oh stick it” is now a compliment

Mint enemas popular in Hollywood

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
January 10, 2008

The mint enema cleanse continues to sweep Hollywood, flushing out everything from bad chemicals to bad vibes and negative karma.  That’s according to Inebriated reporter and part-time spy Richard Simmons, who also moonlights as an expert on diet, exercise and odd looking clothing.  Reportedly actors and actresses looking for an edge have successfully been taking enemas three or four times a day and feel fresher and more attractive.  That has helped them improve their skills and even win awards. 

“Enema’s have long been known to help rid the body of nasty stuff and now that there’s a minty component, it’s better than sliced bread and drunken pop stars,” reported Simmons, from a bed and breakfast someplace in East Asia.  “I wouldn’t believe it myself if Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meryl Streep hadn’t told me it was true.  Of course they deny it now.”

Reportedly the popularity of the cleanse started after director Miloš Forman had an argument with Jack Nicholson during the making of the movie “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”.  Forman told the actor to “go blow it out your ass”.  Nicholson took Forman at his word and went to the nearest pharmacy, bought a rubber hose and some other stuff and did the deed.  When he got the Oscar for Best Actor the enema’s popularity took off.

“Blowing it out my ass was some of the best advice I’ve ever been given,” Nicholson was said to have remarked at a recent Academy Award ceremony.  “Since that time there’s not been a day gone by that I didn’t share that bit of wisdom with someone.”

In related news, Americans across the country have been slow to adopt the enema treatment but like the lingo.  Many U.S. citizens have been emailing their elected officials with uplifting messages and “blow it out your ass” encouragement.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP News, IP Tabloid