Sneezing made illegal in U.S.

Spreads germs; as bad as smoking

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 11, 2008

On the heels of anti-smoking campaigns across the U.S., lawmakers are stepping up the battle against bad air by banning all sneezing.  Citizens caught expelling germs into the air will be arrested and imprisoned or fined hundreds of dollars.  Some human rights activists think people should decide on their own whether they want to smoke or sneeze.  But air-protectionists and activists who want to control what people breath don’t see it that way.

“No human being has the right to smoke, sneeze or use an alarm clock,” said Hank Williams, an air-care and anti-time-management activist who would rather be a Country Western singer.  “You shouldn’t control what I breathe and I shouldn’t affect what you breathe.  In fact breathing itself isn’t safe and should be banned.  But that’s in the future.  For now, we’ll focus on banning smoking and sneezing.  And of course alarm clocks, but that’s kind of my own thing.”

Not everyone agrees with Williams and some feel freedom is more important than air control.  “No one should be stopped from smoking, sneezing, drinking, taking drugs, or from doing anything that they want to do,” said Hamster Hughie, a small rodent and strong believer in complete freedom bordering on anarchy.  “If it can be done it should be done and to heck with the consequences.  Sure someone might get hurt if I practice archery on Main Street, but you’re free to duck.  No one should impinge on anyone’s right to do anything.”

The debate over personal freedom and how one persons actions impact another’s goes on across America.  Some say smoking isn’t healthy and smoke inhaled by nonsmokers is dangerous.  Some people say that sneezing spreads disease and not enough has been done to control it.  Germs spread by sneezing include the cold and flu, which can lead to pneumonia which has been known to kill people.  Unlike smoke which tends to drift around and can be run away from, scientists say sneezed germs can travel at 80 miles per hour across a room and strike you in seconds.  Lawmakers say that only a law can stop them.

In other news, gun control activists say banning guns will stop all wars and murders thus ushering in an era of world peace.  And Superman continues to fly faster than a speeding bullet.

(C) 2008

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