Daily Archives: January 14, 2008

Playboy’s New SUGAR Service

New Trends in Gum, Hookers and HD Video Technology

Inebriated Press
January 14, 2008

Medical News Today reports that sorbitol, a sweetener in many sugar-free chewing gums, can cause chronic weight loss in people chewing over 15 sticks of gum per day.  Meanwhile a man in Poland was surprised to find his wife working in a local brothel for extra money and not a retail store.  And the porn industry is evaluating whether to hook up with Blu-ray rather than HD DVD now that Warner Brothers has decided to do Blu-ray.  Spies tell us that Playboy Enterprises is planning to cash in on all three trends with a new service called “Sex Utility-Gum and Ray” (SUGAR).

“Staying slender, making money with part-time work and keeping up with the latest in high definition video is important to a lot of women and we’re here to help,” said Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, chewing gum and drinking Canadian Club while having his genitalia rebuilt by a team of plastic surgeons and a couple of magicians.  “In studies we’ve conducted we found that gum chewing hookers stay slim and that’s something women want.  Women are also unsure which video format is best and want to earn some cash without working full time.  At Playboy we’ve taken this knowledge and packaged part-time hooking with sorbitol gum and video advice and are offering it in franchise form to women.  With Playboy SUGAR they’ll be able to make money, stay slim and keep up with video technology.  It’s just our way of helping spur the economy while maintaining our trend-setting global porn empire.  We think SUGAR will be a big hit with women and the men they meet.”

Not everyone is convinced that SUGAR will work and question whether a lot of women will sign up for franchise based on chewing gum and prostitution.  “I know plenty of beautiful women who chew gum to stay slim but wouldn’t sell their bodies even part-time,” said Hapless Driver, a well known food critic often confused for someone else.  “I admire Hef’s entrepreneurial abilities and creative endeavors, but I don’t think this one will work.  If women want to they can hook, chew gum and read High-Def Digest and get most of SUGAR’s benefits without giving Hef a percentage.  Although there’s something to be said about the benefits of being linked to a franchise.”

Reuters reported that a Polish man got the shock of his life when he visited a brothel and spotted his wife among the establishment’s employees.  The couple, married for 14 years, is now divorcing, Reuters said.  And according to a Medical News Today story, sorbitol is a laxative which is poorly absorbed by the small intestine and can cause chronic diarrhea and functional bowel complaints, but also significant unplanned weight loss of about 20% of body weight.  Executives in the adult-film industry said last week that they’re taking a wait-and-see approach to the Blu-ray / HD DVD wars.  Blu-ray, led by Sony, has been fighting Toshiba and its HD DVD format in a battle reminiscent of the VHS versus Betamax battle.  As with many early adopters and new technologies, success often comes to those who get there first.

“I’m test marketing Playboys SUGAR service,” said Sappy Lovestrong, a hairy European woman who was once a short haired Pomeranian.  “I’ve been having one-night stands for years and not being paid for them.  And I’ve been chewing the wrong gum and have been stuck with old Beta tapes.  SUGAR is revolutionizing my life by helping me lose weight, get paid for spending evenings with guys and I no longer live in fear of being stuck with the wrong video format.  Now if I can get my husband to calm down I think the days ahead look pretty bright.”

In other news, the Hillary Clinton campaign for President is reportedly short on cash and rumors have it that Hillary may join the Playboy SUGAR service.  Hubby Bill says it’s okay with him as long as the DNC is alright with it.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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John Belushi Alive and President of Romania

Faked drug death to take up politics in Eastern Europe

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
January 14, 2008

Actor and comedian John Belushi is currently known as Traian Basescu and is the President of Romania.  That startling information was uncovered by Inebriated reporter Zippy Long as he dug through a Waste Management bin behind CIA Headquarters in Langley, Virginia last week.  Fighting snow, fever and a bad head cold, Long used his classically developed digging skills honed through long hours of practice at the Julliard School of Dirt and Refuse Management.  And at the bottom of the dumpster: pay dirt.

“I kind of thought Belushi was too tough to go down from eleven back-to-back speedballs of cocaine and heroin injected directly into his arteries,” said reporter Long, chewing his nails, shitting tacks and doing other disgusting things we can’t write here.  “When I got to the bottom of that garbage box and found out Belushi was running Romania, I knew I’d found the truth.  I took a break to slam another quart of NyQuil and then ran to a bar to finish developing my report.  As near as I can remember.”

Not everyone thinks the dead comedian is running the country of Romania.  “Belushi is not Basescu and he’s not President of Romania.  Heck the real Basescu himself is barely running the country,” said Oprah Winfrey, a historian and part-time TV talk show host.  “John was a funny actor and good comedian, but he died from a drug overdose and never even traveled to Romania – dead or alive.  If you ask me the Inebriated reporter is an inebriated reporter.”

Traian Basescu is a Romanian politician and former Merchant Navy officer.  He is the current President of Romania and was inaugurated on December 20, 2004.  He won the office in the 2004 presidential election.  Prior to becoming President, he was the Mayor of Bucharest.  John Belushi was an Emmy Award-winning American comedian, actor and musician, notable for his work on Saturday Night Live, National Lampoon’s Animal House, and The Blues Brothers.  Belushi was known for his drug usage, and it eventually cost him his life.  On March 5, 1982, Belushi, age 33, was found dead in his room at Bungalow #3 of the Chateau Marmont on Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles, California.  His emergence as the President of Romania has surprised almost everyone.

“After they buried him in ’82 I didn’t think he could make a comeback,” said Overwrought Manganese, an unhappy mineral found as a free element in nature but often controlled and exploited in social circles.  “To know that he was able to overcome so much drug use and become an Eastern European leader is more impressive than methylcyclopentadienyl manganese tricarbonyl which is used as an additive in unleaded gasoline to boost octane rating and reduce engine knocking.  And I’m not just saying that.”

In related news, many industrially important compounds continue to be impressed when actors and actresses turn their lives around and that remains true even if they don’t start ruling former Soviet block countries.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP News, IP Tabloid