Faked drug death to take up politics in Eastern Europe
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
January 14, 2008
Actor and comedian John Belushi is currently known as Traian Basescu and is the President of Romania. That startling information was uncovered by Inebriated reporter Zippy Long as he dug through a Waste Management bin behind CIA Headquarters in Langley, Virginia last week. Fighting snow, fever and a bad head cold, Long used his classically developed digging skills honed through long hours of practice at the Julliard School of Dirt and Refuse Management. And at the bottom of the dumpster: pay dirt.
“I kind of thought Belushi was too tough to go down from eleven back-to-back speedballs of cocaine and heroin injected directly into his arteries,” said reporter Long, chewing his nails, shitting tacks and doing other disgusting things we can’t write here. “When I got to the bottom of that garbage box and found out Belushi was running Romania, I knew I’d found the truth. I took a break to slam another quart of NyQuil and then ran to a bar to finish developing my report. As near as I can remember.”
Not everyone thinks the dead comedian is running the country of Romania. “Belushi is not Basescu and he’s not President of Romania. Heck the real Basescu himself is barely running the country,” said Oprah Winfrey, a historian and part-time TV talk show host. “John was a funny actor and good comedian, but he died from a drug overdose and never even traveled to Romania – dead or alive. If you ask me the Inebriated reporter is an inebriated reporter.”
Traian Basescu is a Romanian politician and former Merchant Navy officer. He is the current President of Romania and was inaugurated on December 20, 2004. He won the office in the 2004 presidential election. Prior to becoming President, he was the Mayor of Bucharest. John Belushi was an Emmy Award-winning American comedian, actor and musician, notable for his work on Saturday Night Live, National Lampoon’s Animal House, and The Blues Brothers. Belushi was known for his drug usage, and it eventually cost him his life. On March 5, 1982, Belushi, age 33, was found dead in his room at Bungalow #3 of the Chateau Marmont on Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles, California. His emergence as the President of Romania has surprised almost everyone.
“After they buried him in ’82 I didn’t think he could make a comeback,” said Overwrought Manganese, an unhappy mineral found as a free element in nature but often controlled and exploited in social circles. “To know that he was able to overcome so much drug use and become an Eastern European leader is more impressive than methylcyclopentadienyl manganese tricarbonyl which is used as an additive in unleaded gasoline to boost octane rating and reduce engine knocking. And I’m not just saying that.”
In related news, many industrially important compounds continue to be impressed when actors and actresses turn their lives around and that remains true even if they don’t start ruling former Soviet block countries.
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