Daily Archives: January 15, 2008

Animal Activists, Cannibals and Headstones

PETA members lack protein and amino acids, struggle to think straight

Inebriated Press
January 15, 2008

The Vice President of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has written a letter to the County Jail holding an accused cannibal requesting that the prisoner be put on a vegetarian diet so senseless killings are stopped.  They also tricked cemetery officials into allowing them to place an anti-KFC headstone near the burial spot of Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) founder, Col. Harland Sanders.  Scientists in the nutrition and brain function field say the goofy activity is the result of nutrient deficiency and it’s causing the PETA folks minds to process at less than ten percent of normal.

“Everyone is against animal cruelty and most people hate cannibals but enjoy a piece of chicken now and then,” said Dr. John “J.D.” Dorian, an expert in brain function and scrubbing up.  “But when individuals begin acting the way the PETA people do, you know that their brains aren’t operating at a high level.  Lack of protein and amino acids from their veggie diet has slowed the firing of their synapses and rendered them basically stupid.  This isn’t all bad though, their idiocy exposes their politics and that’s positive.”

Not everyone thinks lack of protein or amino acids is affecting the PETA supporters, or that they’re messed up.  “People who eat people are no different than animals who eat animals and cemetery stones are no different than bill boards,” said PETA Vice President Bruce Friedrich, turning some baby chicks loose in the African jungle for their safety and freedom.  “All eating should really be stopped.  Everyone knows that nutrition is over-rated and never mind that we can barely survive when only eating plants.  Humans haven’t evolved enough to become like grass-eating cows so we have to legislate ourselves into higher beings.  And I’m not just saying that because I can’t think clearly.”

Smith County Texas Sheriff’s officials were astounded last week by a letter from PETA requesting Christopher McCuin, the man accused of murdering his girlfriend and possibly participating in cannibalism, be placed on a vegetarian diet to keep him from being “involved in any senseless killing” while incarcerated.  McCuin is jailed for the murder of 21-year-old Jana Shearer and authorities have said that when McCuin was taken into custody there was an ear boiling in a pot of water on the stove and a plate on the kitchen table with what appeared to be human flesh and a fork.  PETA doesn’t appear concerned that the guy ate his girl friend, but they’re sure worried about chickens.

PETA placed a tombstone with a hidden message in  Kentucky’s Cave Hill Cemetery, the graveyard in which the founder of KFC is interred.  At first glance, the tombstone looks like any other grave marker.  But a closer look at the epitaph reveals a deeper meaning.  A seemingly innocuous poem is inscribed on the headstone, but when read vertically; the first letter of each line spells out “KFC Tortures Birds.”  Despite what PETA says, nutritionists say humans need meat from birds and other animals because they contain the most naturally occurring, well balanced and easily obtained and digested package of proteins, essential acids and sources of iron and Vitamin B 12 available in nature.  Vegetables don’t contain the amino acids and B vitamins that humans need.  Somehow people must find and consume all of the things that meat provides in order to stay healthy.

“Human beings are part of nature and have incisors that aren’t designed to gnaw on leaves,” said Victor Victorson, a Russian zoologist who was reincarnated as himself.  “We’re not naturally leaf eaters and folks who pretend that we are end up malnourished and write letters to cannibals and do weird things in cemeteries.  Sure I enjoy looking at nude female PETA supporters just like the next guy, but I’m not taking up their politics or eating habits.  They’re less natural than Pam Anderson’s breasts.”

In related news, Pam Anderson insists that portions of her breasts are still natural and PETA supporters keep claiming some of their thinking is rational.  Debate rages with only breast lovers serious about voluntary research.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Amazon Women Sue Amazon.com

Claim website stole name

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 15, 2008

A group of women from the Amazon jungle have filed a lawsuit against Amazon.com claiming that the Internet website stole their name and wants their identity.  The suit alleges that Amazon.com plans to expand its product line to include large women of jungle origin.  The website denies the allegation.

“I never stole the name from any women, I took it from the South American river and that name’s in the public domain,” said Amazon.com founder Jeff Bezos, double clicking his double jointed thumb and avoiding eye contact with a large blonde woman nearby.  “We won’t be selling women of any size.  The lawsuit is absurd.”

Not everyone thinks Bezos is being completely honest about his plans.  “I saw the envelope the Amazon guy used to map out his original plan and it’s not about any river.  It’s about trading products online and ultimately selling tall blondes,” said Village Primate, a professor of music often considered a slow witted country town.  “There’s going to be hell to pay when the Amazon babes get Bonzo, er Bezos into court.”

Amazon.com, Inc. is an American e-commerce company based in Seattle, Washington. It was one of the first major companies to sell goods over the Internet and was one of the iconic stocks of the late 1990s dot-com bubble.  It is common lore that Bezos wrote its business plan while he and his wife drove a 1988 Chevrolet Blazer from Fort Worth, Texas to Bellevue, Washington.  The company was incorporated in 1994 and Bezos named his company “Amazon” after the world’s most voluminous river.  The Amazons were a mythical ancient nation of all-female warriors.  Herodotus placed them in a region bordering Scythia in Sarmatia.  Speculation based on archaeological evidence that some Sarmatian women may have participated in battle led scholars to suggest that the Amazonian legend in Greek mythology could have been inspired by real warrior women.

“He took our name and the courts will vindicate us by giving us all his money, or I’ll take his balls in the night when he’s not looking,” said Venus Lemnos, a tall muscular plaintiff who snaps WWF wrestlers in half in her spare time.  “I am an Amazon who kicks ass — I don’t do river dance.”

In related news, a poet once described women as rivers with moods that ebb and flow.  No word on whether getting your ass kicked by one is part of the flowing or the ebbing.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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