Claim website stole name
Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 15, 2008
A group of women from the Amazon jungle have filed a lawsuit against Amazon.com claiming that the Internet website stole their name and wants their identity. The suit alleges that Amazon.com plans to expand its product line to include large women of jungle origin. The website denies the allegation.
“I never stole the name from any women, I took it from the South American river and that name’s in the public domain,” said Amazon.com founder Jeff Bezos, double clicking his double jointed thumb and avoiding eye contact with a large blonde woman nearby. “We won’t be selling women of any size. The lawsuit is absurd.”
Not everyone thinks Bezos is being completely honest about his plans. “I saw the envelope the Amazon guy used to map out his original plan and it’s not about any river. It’s about trading products online and ultimately selling tall blondes,” said Village Primate, a professor of music often considered a slow witted country town. “There’s going to be hell to pay when the Amazon babes get Bonzo, er Bezos into court.”
Amazon.com, Inc. is an American e-commerce company based in Seattle, Washington. It was one of the first major companies to sell goods over the Internet and was one of the iconic stocks of the late 1990s dot-com bubble. It is common lore that Bezos wrote its business plan while he and his wife drove a 1988 Chevrolet Blazer from Fort Worth, Texas to Bellevue, Washington. The company was incorporated in 1994 and Bezos named his company “Amazon” after the world’s most voluminous river. The Amazons were a mythical ancient nation of all-female warriors. Herodotus placed them in a region bordering Scythia in Sarmatia. Speculation based on archaeological evidence that some Sarmatian women may have participated in battle led scholars to suggest that the Amazonian legend in Greek mythology could have been inspired by real warrior women.
“He took our name and the courts will vindicate us by giving us all his money, or I’ll take his balls in the night when he’s not looking,” said Venus Lemnos, a tall muscular plaintiff who snaps WWF wrestlers in half in her spare time. “I am an Amazon who kicks ass — I don’t do river dance.”
In related news, a poet once described women as rivers with moods that ebb and flow. No word on whether getting your ass kicked by one is part of the flowing or the ebbing.
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