Daily Archives: January 16, 2008

Remaking Russia in Blood and Ink

New textbook reinterprets history as Putin tries to bring it back

Inebriated Press
January 16, 2008

A new textbook called “Russian History 1945—2007” was approved last week by Russia’s Ministry of Education.  The book clarifies some “confusion” about what’s been going on in Russia the last several decades and will help school children learn that the consolidation of power through murder, poison and subterfuge is a tradition that President Vladimir Putin is emulating out of respect for the past.

According to La Russophobe quoting the Russian press, children will learn that Stalin was an effective manager taking Russia from the plow to the atomic bomb in just a few years.  Yeltson and Gorbachev were weak leaders who allowed the Soviet Union to collapse.  Putin’s abolition of directly elected regional governors was necessary because Russians cannot govern themselves.  And the imprisonment of Yukos Oil CEO Mikhail Khodorkovksy, instead of allowing him to run for president, means Russia has no more corrupt oligarchs.  There have been some tricky times the last couple of decades, but Putin is working hard to make things right.

“Stalin was an effective leader and his results, if not all of his methods, should be applauded,” said Russian president Vladimir Putin, playing Tetris with the internal politics of former Soviet States and backing terrorists in Iran while waiting to be appointed prime minister.  “He was his own god and so am I.  If I believed in spiritualism I’d say I’m channeling the great leader right now, except that I tend to poison people more than shoot them in the head.  Nowadays I have to use the Russian mafia for hands-on killing so my work is less direct.”  Then sighing he added, “Times were simpler back in Stalin’s day when a leader could just gun down whomever they wanted indiscriminately.”

Agence France-Presse reports that the newly approved textbook, “Russian History 1945-2007,” is to be tried out in schools in five Russian regions.  Kommersant media said “the eras of Joseph Stalin and Leonid Brezhnev get good marks, with justification of authoritarianism and repression.”  The text is based on a handbook published earlier in 2007 by pro-Kremlin historians that described Stalin as “efficient.”  The book puts a positive spin on the controversial imprisonment of Yukos oil tycoon Mikhail Khodorkovsky under Putin and the 2004 decision to end direct elections for regional governors, the report said.  1,000 copies have been published so far and have been sent directly to the schools concerned, where it will be used in classrooms during 2008, the Nezavisimaya Gazeta Daily reported.

“Authoritarianism and repression is the time honored approach to proper government in Russia and the region, and people in the West have been intolerant of our fine tradition.  The West needs to stop complaining when we remove human rights and freedoms from our confused citizens because we’re only doing what’s best for them,” said Shurwi Shootem, director of the Rebuild the Soviet Empire By Any Means Necessary Commission, a small office established by Putin which currently comprises most of Russia’s budget.  “It would do the West well if they’d use our new history book.  As part of inter-cultural understanding it’s important that the world sees things our way.”

In other news, students at Joliet Junior College in Illinois have formed a group called “Students for Smokers’ Rights”.  A similar group formed at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill this year and a small protest was held at Ball State College over smokers’ rights last fall.  Debate over authoritarianism, repression and individual rights continues around the globe with only Bill Clinton having complete freedom to do whatever he wants.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Howard Stern Becomes Right-Wing Activist

Becomes too rich to afford liberal politics

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 16, 2008

Howard Stern announced today that he’s contributing millions of dollars to the Republican Party and will be integrating Rush Limbaugh commentaries into his daily programming.  The radio “shock jock” known for off color radio and television programming that included trash talk, midget prostitutes and people with bad hair, was once known as the king of liberal-promiscuous attitudes and politics.  Stern became a millionaire with his show and currently broadcasts on Sirius Satellite Radio.  He has been hit by high taxes and now is turning over a new political leaf.

“I’ve got access to lots of sex and cash so most of my needs are met, and the first amendment protects my right to say about anything I want, but the government is taxing me out of my millions and that hurts,” said Stern, from an all-night nude bingo-parlor.  “I don’t like Limbaugh’s bias against sex and drugs, but he’s got his taxation politics right.  I guess when you get right down to it life is about sex and money and now I’ve got to finish getting the money part straightened out.”

Not everyone agrees that life is only about sex and money.  “Stern is screwed up that’s for sure,” said Marcy Mapleleaf McGwin, a small-town Canadian who likes knitting and firearms.  “Life is about family and friendships, society and community.  Oh sure there’s the need for some sex and money too, but they’re not the big stuff.”

Howard Stern is an American radio and TV personality, media mogul, humorist, actor, and author.  Stern hosts The Howard Stern Show four days a week (Monday-Thursday) on Howard 100, a Sirius Satellite Radio station.  The self-proclaimed “King of All Media” has been dubbed a shock jock for his highly controversial use of scatological, sexual and racial humor.  Though controversial, he is the highest-paid radio personality in the United States and the most fined personality in radio broadcast history.  Rush Limbaugh is an American radio host, author, and conservative political commentator.  He has been credited with reviving AM radio in the United States, and is considered to have been a “kind of national precinct captain” for the Republican Party’s Congressional victories in 1994.  Limbaugh’s radio show airs weekdays for three hours daily, beginning at 12 noon Eastern time in the U.S.  It also is carried worldwide over the Armed Forces Radio Network, and in some markets is carried on FM stations.

“It’s hard to beat a radio program about black midget prostitutes talking about their recent breast implants or sex change operations,” said radio listener and hoot owl, John Doe.  “Once Howard lays down some conservative tracts with Limbaugh he’ll be covering all the important bases.  Wacky sex talk with fundamental economic policies will put North America back on track.  Fiscal and farcical.  That’s a tough combination to beat.”

In other news, small cats are still called kittens but fingerless gloves of all sizes are all called mittens.  And coming soon, a new Doctor Seuss book called Sex Kittens with Mittens”.  No word on when the movie comes out.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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