Daily Archives: January 17, 2008

Reagan Clone to Run for President

FDA Announces Clones Are Safe, Just in Time to Save Our Ass

Inebriated Press
January 17, 2008

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced yesterday that after years of study they’ve determined that animal clones are as safe as those conventionally bred.  Scientists at the ViaGen biotechnology company say animal and human clones are created with the same process and that clones perform exactly like the original.  This is great news for the country as the current slate of presidential candidates is short of everything.  ViaGen executives say they’ll have a clone of Ronald Reagan ready in time for this year’s presidential election in November.  Americans are relieved, but some political candidates are unhappy.

“We don’t need or want Reagan back even though he broke down the Iranian terrorists and freed American hostages, crushed the Soviet empire, strengthened the economy and brought global peace through strength,” said presidential candidate Barack Obama, flipping TV channels looking for The Oprah Winfrey Network.  “With Hillary Clinton as my vice president we’ll be able to strengthen the economy by increasing taxes to everyone and bring peace to the world by pulling our military out of all armed conflicts and converting them into healthcare workers.  Reagan would never have thought of that.  Hillary and me are what the country needs today.”

Not everyone agrees with Obama.  “Thank goodness for ViaGen Biotech and their Reagan clone,” said Stable Insomniac, an American woman who up until now has been unable to sleep because she wasn’t sure any current Republican candidate could blank the Democrats and save the U.S. from liberal chaos.  “From what I understand “Robby the Reagan Republican Clone” will be popping out of a large test tube within a couple of months, and all indicators are that he’s the same guy we knew and loved as the 40th president of the United States.  They’ve uploaded him with current events but left all his former processing power and charisma in place.  Gosh it’ll be great to have him back.”

This past Tuesday the Food and Drug Administration issued three documents on animal cloning outlining the agency’s regulatory approach – a risk assessment; a risk management plan; and guidance for industry.  FDA has concluded that meat and milk from clones of cattle, swine, and goats, and the offspring of clones from any species traditionally consumed as food, are as safe to eat as food from conventionally bred animals.  The agency is not requiring labeling or any other additional measures for food from clones, or their offspring because food derived from these sources is no different from food derived from conventionally bred animals.  Due to their cost and rarity, clones are intended to be used as elite breeding animals to introduce desirable traits into herds more rapidly than would be possible using conventional breeding. 

“It could take years for the U.S. to produce a presidential candidate close to the caliber of Ronald Reagan and with recent advancements in cloning technology and the approval of FDA, it just made sense to bring back a president who has experience with problems similar to the ones we have today, along with his proven approach to managing them,” said ViaGen CEO Mark Walton, examining a five-eyed frog that climbed up his pant leg from under the desk.  “While the Democrats debate whether its best that America is run by a black man or white woman they all agree that billions in new taxes need to be harvested from working Americans so that free healthcare and multi-language text books can be given to illegal aliens.  Reagan would slash taxes, tighten school performance, lob a bomb into Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s house like he did Libyan leader Omar Ghaddafi’s and scare the guy back to reality.  Then he’d go chop some wood at his ranch in the afternoon.  Damn I miss that guy.  Hope this clone works out.  We’re up shit creek without him.”

In other news, Oprah Winfrey is getting her own cable channel, called OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network.  No word on whether she will be cloning herself so she can keep up with all of her projects.  And O.J. Simpson is back in court after violating his bail agreement.  O.J. said it’s not his fault; a clone was supposed to fill in for him but instead was out buying tight black gloves and handling a fight with his girl friend.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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AA Merges with AAA

New AAAAA to offer insurance for drunks

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 17, 2008

The American Automobile Association (AAA) announced that it has merged with Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and formed the Anonymous American Alcoholics Automobile Association (AAAAA).  The AAAAA plans to offer anonymous drunks automobile insurance and various other services including roadside assistance and travel packages.  AAA has offered road side aid in the past which included assistance with flat tires and help when running out of gas.  In addition to those services the new 5-A group will also pick you up off of the road and out of street gutters.  The new company is seen as a god-send for drunk drivers.

“I’m loaded when I drive a lot of the time and it’s been tough to keep insurance and find my way home some nights,” said an anonymous 5-A member who hopes to stay that way.  “This new service is a real help to guys like me.  I can afford to pay for the service; I just can’t afford to keep getting locked up.  It’s such a bother.”

Not everyone likes the idea behind AAAAA.  “We’ve got to stop pandering to people who refuse to get help and risk innocent peoples lives by trying to drive when they’ve got no right to,” said Knock Drywall, a vigilante wannabee who hates plaster and hopes to become a patron saint some day.  “This 5-A thing is off track.  We should be shooting these guys and not enabling them.”

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is an informal meeting society for recovering alcoholics whose primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.  AA suggests that alcoholics follow its program and abstain from alcohol in order to recover from alcoholism, and share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem.  The American Automobile Association (AAA) was founded on March 4, 1902 in Cleveland, Ohio as a response to a lack of roads and highways suitable for autos.  The association expanded its scope of services as years progressed.  AAA clubs primarily provide emergency road services to members. These services, which include everything from lockouts, winching, tire changes, automotive first aid, and towing are handled by private local towing companies contracted by a state AAA club.

“It’s good to know that AA is there to help me if I become an alcoholic and AAA is there if I get a flat out in the country,” said an innocent bystander who was once a well known professional athlete.  “I don’t know what 5-A is but I sure like that A-1 Steak Sauce.  Tastes good on darn near anything.”

In other news, Christmas comes but once a year but at the IRS the party never ends.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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