Reagan Clone to Run for President

FDA Announces Clones Are Safe, Just in Time to Save Our Ass

Inebriated Press
January 17, 2008

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced yesterday that after years of study they’ve determined that animal clones are as safe as those conventionally bred.  Scientists at the ViaGen biotechnology company say animal and human clones are created with the same process and that clones perform exactly like the original.  This is great news for the country as the current slate of presidential candidates is short of everything.  ViaGen executives say they’ll have a clone of Ronald Reagan ready in time for this year’s presidential election in November.  Americans are relieved, but some political candidates are unhappy.

“We don’t need or want Reagan back even though he broke down the Iranian terrorists and freed American hostages, crushed the Soviet empire, strengthened the economy and brought global peace through strength,” said presidential candidate Barack Obama, flipping TV channels looking for The Oprah Winfrey Network.  “With Hillary Clinton as my vice president we’ll be able to strengthen the economy by increasing taxes to everyone and bring peace to the world by pulling our military out of all armed conflicts and converting them into healthcare workers.  Reagan would never have thought of that.  Hillary and me are what the country needs today.”

Not everyone agrees with Obama.  “Thank goodness for ViaGen Biotech and their Reagan clone,” said Stable Insomniac, an American woman who up until now has been unable to sleep because she wasn’t sure any current Republican candidate could blank the Democrats and save the U.S. from liberal chaos.  “From what I understand “Robby the Reagan Republican Clone” will be popping out of a large test tube within a couple of months, and all indicators are that he’s the same guy we knew and loved as the 40th president of the United States.  They’ve uploaded him with current events but left all his former processing power and charisma in place.  Gosh it’ll be great to have him back.”

This past Tuesday the Food and Drug Administration issued three documents on animal cloning outlining the agency’s regulatory approach – a risk assessment; a risk management plan; and guidance for industry.  FDA has concluded that meat and milk from clones of cattle, swine, and goats, and the offspring of clones from any species traditionally consumed as food, are as safe to eat as food from conventionally bred animals.  The agency is not requiring labeling or any other additional measures for food from clones, or their offspring because food derived from these sources is no different from food derived from conventionally bred animals.  Due to their cost and rarity, clones are intended to be used as elite breeding animals to introduce desirable traits into herds more rapidly than would be possible using conventional breeding. 

“It could take years for the U.S. to produce a presidential candidate close to the caliber of Ronald Reagan and with recent advancements in cloning technology and the approval of FDA, it just made sense to bring back a president who has experience with problems similar to the ones we have today, along with his proven approach to managing them,” said ViaGen CEO Mark Walton, examining a five-eyed frog that climbed up his pant leg from under the desk.  “While the Democrats debate whether its best that America is run by a black man or white woman they all agree that billions in new taxes need to be harvested from working Americans so that free healthcare and multi-language text books can be given to illegal aliens.  Reagan would slash taxes, tighten school performance, lob a bomb into Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s house like he did Libyan leader Omar Ghaddafi’s and scare the guy back to reality.  Then he’d go chop some wood at his ranch in the afternoon.  Damn I miss that guy.  Hope this clone works out.  We’re up shit creek without him.”

In other news, Oprah Winfrey is getting her own cable channel, called OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network.  No word on whether she will be cloning herself so she can keep up with all of her projects.  And O.J. Simpson is back in court after violating his bail agreement.  O.J. said it’s not his fault; a clone was supposed to fill in for him but instead was out buying tight black gloves and handling a fight with his girl friend.

(C) 2008

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