Daily Archives: January 18, 2008

Dr. Kevorkian Pushes New “Medical Service”

Says his goal is to ease suffering, not cause death

Inebriated Press
January 18, 2008

Dr. Jack Kevorkian promoted legalizing euthanasia before a University of Florida crowd of nearly 5,000 last Tuesday, condemning governmental interference in physicians performing the “medical service” of killing patients.  Kevorkian said his aim was never to cause death; his goal was to end suffering.  Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden was quick to endorse Kevorkian’s claim saying that he too was easing global suffering by killing people.

“The Americans have oppressed this noble man only because he has been killing them, and as we all know death is the gateway to a better life — as long as you are a dedicated Islamofascist who does what I say.  If you’re not, then it’s just the end of an infidel and that’s good too,” said Al Qaeda leader Bin Laden, busily drafting plans to blow up more people in the West and celebrating the reduction in suffering he caused on 9-11.  “Dr. Kevorkian says he wants the U.S. to leave Iraq because the U.S. military is conducting genocide there and that’s wrong for them to do.  I agree.  Killing people and genocide is the prerogative of Islamofascists, certain German dictators and doctors with appropriate understanding.”

Not everyone agrees that society is benefited when the value of life is defined by Islamofascists, Nazi’s and doctors recently released from prison for second-degree murder.  “If they like death so much why don’t they just participate as the patient in their ‘service’ and leave the rest of us alone,” asked Knobby Knees, a small middle aged woman who hates her name but loves life and thinks its more than a concept to be debated.  “Why do the people who want the right to kill me cower in mountains or have the SS protect them, or hide behind the right to free speech but won’t put their own lives on the block?  They want to prove a point: write a manifesto and back it up by jumping off a bridge.  They’re intellectually dishonest and they dress weird.  Maybe if they felt better about themselves they wouldn’t want other people dead.”

Kevorkian promoted legalizing euthanasia before a University of Florida crowd attended by 4,867 people, according to organizers.  UF beefed-up security to protect him and used metal detectors for fear of smuggled weapons.  Sponsored by UF’s student-run speakers’ bureau, which draws its funding from student fees, Kevorkian was paid $50,000 for his appearance.  Kevorkian’s speech was light on details about the days he spent administering death to some 130 people – sometimes in the back of a Volkswagen van.  He railed against what he described as the tyrannical U.S. government and he condemned the war in Iraq calling it “modified genocide”.  Kevorkian proposed a new system that would allow criminals “sanctuary,” where they could be protected from prosecution and aggression.  While in the sanctuary, criminals would be permitted to negotiate an appropriate punishment with the families and loved ones of victims, eliminating the need for jury trials.  Bin Laden heartily agrees.

“The U.S. oppressors should at the very least be negotiating with the Al Qaeda medical service providers they capture and provide them sanctuary and freedom from prosecution.  No juries or American judges should be dishing out punishment for our noble efforts,” said Bin Laden, massaging his temple with the blood of innocents.  “This Kevorkian guy has this stuff figured out.  Why so few Americans are volunteering to die under his hand, and why they are upset that I’m responsible for bringing down the buildings in New York and killing folks is hard for me to understand.  They lack enlightenment I guess.  It’s probably as simple as that.”

In other news, UPI reports that Rick Thompson of Bowdoin College, in Brunswick, Maine, says human brain chemistry affects how people attach to one another.  Thompson, who teaches courses in hormones and behavior, social behavior and behavioral neuroscience, said that there is a chemical produced within the brain called oxytocin that promotes trust and attachment, and one of the things that promote its release within the brain is sexual contact, particularly orgasm.  Researchers believe that Kevorkian and Bin Laden are oxytocin deficient and the way things are going, will never have sex again.  Common Americans are being advised to watch out for them since they no longer have feelings of attachment to the human race.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Dr. Kevorkian Pushes New “Medical Service”

Filed under Humor, IP News

Beyoncé to Manage Animal Feed Store

Likes bovines and poultry, tires of music and acting

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 18, 2008

R&B singer and actress Beyoncé Knowles announced today that she’s retiring from show business and has accepted a management position at Acme County Feed and Seed in south Georgia.  Inebriated reporter Heathcliff Somhowe broke the news from an all night Hillary Clinton fund raiser when he stubbled upon the story on his way back from the men’s room.  We have exclusive coverage.

“Beyoncé was eating a ham sandwich and helping manufacture votes in the back of the room and I asked her what her next move was.  I was sure surprised when she said she was going to run a feed store,” said reporter Somhow, untangling his legs from around his neck and loosening his tie.  “She’s got a great voice and body so I’m guessing once she learns a bit about animal nutrition she’ll tear that ole feed business right up.”

Not everyone thinks Beyoncé is abandoning her career in music and movies to become a feed store magnate.  “Beyoncé is really talented and can do pretty much whatever she wants, but I don’t think that selling duck and cow feed is really in her plans,” said E! executive Nickels Murphy, a cheapskate of questionable Irish origin who polishes pennies in his spare time.  “On the other hand I’m sure that she’d get plenty of backing if she decides to go for it.”

Beyoncé Knowles is an American R&B singer, actress, dancer, and model.  Knowles rose to fame as the creative force and lead singer of the R&B girl group Destiny’s Child, one of the world’s best-selling female group of all time.  After a series of commercially successful releases with the group, Knowles released her debut solo album, Dangerously in Love, in June 2003. The album became a commercial success, topping the albums charts in the U.S. and the UK.  It also spawned the number-one singles “Crazy in Love” and “Baby Boy” and earned Knowles five Grammy Awards in 2004.  Knowles also achieved success in the film industry, starring in such Hollywood films as the 2006 comedy The Pink Panther and the 2006 musical film Dreamgirls, which earned her two Golden Globe Award nominations.

“I’m looking forward to buying my horse food from that singer because I know she cares about animals,” said Bud Selig, a local farmer who enjoys baseball in his spare time.  “When Hank retired after that feed bin accident I wasn’t sure where I’d get my feed from.  I can’t wait to meet this girl they call Bounce and start buying feed grain from her.  Any girl called Bounce can carry my burlap sacks anytime.”
In related news, Beyoncé and Bounce are not the same and not all guys called Hank run feed stores.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Beyoncé to Manage Animal Feed Store

Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid