Beyoncé to Manage Animal Feed Store

Likes bovines and poultry, tires of music and acting

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 18, 2008

R&B singer and actress Beyoncé Knowles announced today that she’s retiring from show business and has accepted a management position at Acme County Feed and Seed in south Georgia.  Inebriated reporter Heathcliff Somhowe broke the news from an all night Hillary Clinton fund raiser when he stubbled upon the story on his way back from the men’s room.  We have exclusive coverage.

“Beyoncé was eating a ham sandwich and helping manufacture votes in the back of the room and I asked her what her next move was.  I was sure surprised when she said she was going to run a feed store,” said reporter Somhow, untangling his legs from around his neck and loosening his tie.  “She’s got a great voice and body so I’m guessing once she learns a bit about animal nutrition she’ll tear that ole feed business right up.”

Not everyone thinks Beyoncé is abandoning her career in music and movies to become a feed store magnate.  “Beyoncé is really talented and can do pretty much whatever she wants, but I don’t think that selling duck and cow feed is really in her plans,” said E! executive Nickels Murphy, a cheapskate of questionable Irish origin who polishes pennies in his spare time.  “On the other hand I’m sure that she’d get plenty of backing if she decides to go for it.”

Beyoncé Knowles is an American R&B singer, actress, dancer, and model.  Knowles rose to fame as the creative force and lead singer of the R&B girl group Destiny’s Child, one of the world’s best-selling female group of all time.  After a series of commercially successful releases with the group, Knowles released her debut solo album, Dangerously in Love, in June 2003. The album became a commercial success, topping the albums charts in the U.S. and the UK.  It also spawned the number-one singles “Crazy in Love” and “Baby Boy” and earned Knowles five Grammy Awards in 2004.  Knowles also achieved success in the film industry, starring in such Hollywood films as the 2006 comedy The Pink Panther and the 2006 musical film Dreamgirls, which earned her two Golden Globe Award nominations.

“I’m looking forward to buying my horse food from that singer because I know she cares about animals,” said Bud Selig, a local farmer who enjoys baseball in his spare time.  “When Hank retired after that feed bin accident I wasn’t sure where I’d get my feed from.  I can’t wait to meet this girl they call Bounce and start buying feed grain from her.  Any girl called Bounce can carry my burlap sacks anytime.”
In related news, Beyoncé and Bounce are not the same and not all guys called Hank run feed stores.

(C) 2008

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