Daily Archives: January 21, 2008

Women’s Rights or Sobriety and the Single Girl

U.S. Court orders Lindsay Lohan to the morgue over DUI
Iran cracks down on women over freedom

Inebriated Press
January 21, 2008

U.S. actress Lindsay Lohan has been ordered to work several shifts at the county morgue in Los Angeles as part of her sentence for driving under the influence (DUI).  The work is part of a court ordered program created to show motorists the ramifications of driving drunk or while on drugs.  And Iranian woman Nahid Keshavarz spent two weeks in jail for trying to collect a million signatures on a woman’s rights petition.  Iranian authorities have clamped down on “immoral behavior”, including women flouting the strict Islamic dress code and expressing a desire for equality.  Keshavarz says her campaign is not focused on what they wear, but about fairness.  Fairness, freedom and the nature of personal responsibility continues to be debated around the world.

“It’s not fair that I should have to see the bodies of people killed by drunks, or people dead from over-doses,” said actress Lindsay, a free American woman who occasionally protests against personal responsibility.  “I should be free to do what I want and that includes risky behavior.  But seeing dead people that aren’t playing pretend in the movies isn’t something anyone should be able to push on me.  Never mind that I almost put some people in the morgue myself.”

Having things pushed on them against their will is a theme among some women in Iran too.  “The Iranian government not only tells me what I can and can’t wear; it has institutionalized discrimination making women ‘second-class citizens’ when it comes to divorce, inheritance and child custody,” said activist Nahid, a less than free Iranian woman who occasionally risks her life by protesting injustice; something she sees as a personal responsibility.  “Our government says it’s legal for a man to beat a woman if she displeases him and she just has to take it.   How fair is that?”

UPI reported last week that Lindsay Lohan has been ordered to work several shifts in an LA emergency room and a morgue as part of her sentence for driving under the influence.  As part of her plea deal, Lohan was placed on probation for 36 months and sentenced to 24 hours in jail.  Lohan served 84 minutes in jail, earning an early release due to overcrowding. 

Nahid Keshavarz says two weeks in an Iranian jail didn’t deter her from helping try to collect one million signatures for a petition urging more women’s rights and, if anything, prison showed the cause was worth fighting for.  Keshavarz is one of dozens of women who campaigners say have been detained since 2006 when the drive was launched.  Western diplomats and rights groups see the detention of women activists as part of a wider crackdown on dissent, which they say may be in response to Western pressure over Iran’s nuclear work.  In December, the U.N. General Assembly passed a resolution that invoked the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and expressed deep concern over the human rights situation in Iran. 

The U.N. resolution cited “ongoing, systematic violations of human rights and fundamental freedoms” of the Iranian people.  It spoke of “increasing discrimination and other human rights violations against persons belonging to religious, ethnic, linguistic or other minorities.”  It noted the “arrests, violent repression, and sentencing of women exercising their right to peaceful assembly.”  It cited the “systemic and serious restrictions of freedom of peaceful assembly and association, and freedom of opinion and expression, including those imposed on the media and trade unions.”  And it cited “the persecution of political opponents. . . .from all sectors of Iranian society.” 

Not everyone agrees Iran has it wrong.  “Women are better protected in Iran than in the West, where they are often treated as sex objects,” said Ayatollah Mahdi Hadavi, a senior Iranian cleric who likes Sudoku, controlling the lives of women and world domination in general.  “We don’t allow them to have jobs that men should have and won’t give them the same kinds of terms that men get in jobs, divorce settlements, including whether they get custody of the kids.  These are all for women’s benefit.  And we expect them to wear tarps over their heads so we won’t accidentally treat them like sexual playthings in public.  In private of course, we can treat them like that because it’s men prerogative.  It’s all part of fairness and freedom that only male Islamofascists truly understand.”

In related news, personal freedom and Iranian nukes continue to be debated with the question centered on how much is too much?

© 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Richard Nixon Returns from Dead for Socks

Says socks are hard to come by in afterlife

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 21, 2008

Former U.S. president Richard Nixon returned from the dead yesterday and appeared at a J.C. Penney store where he purchased several pairs of socks before disappearing into the ether.  Stunned shoppers said the president was polite and made small talk while standing in line waiting to pay for the socks.  Inebriated reporter Zesty Kreme has the story.

“It’s not every day that a former president appears in a Cleveland Penney store to buy socks, but then buying socks isn’t something anyone does every day, so there you go,” said reporter Kreme, a DQ disciple who occasionally turns up missing.  “The folks at the store said it was Nixon and he was friendly, bought socks, told jokes and said that the afterlife was okay but currently suffered from a sock shortage.  He said they drew straws and he lost so he had to go after the socks.  Nixon said he thought John Lennon cheated and slipped him the short one, but he wasn’t bitter.  ‘Lennon was shot so I kind of feel sorry for him,’ Nixon reportedly said.  ‘Poor bastard.'”

Not everyone believes that it was Nixon returning from the dead to buy socks in Cleveland.  “People don’t come back from the dead in order to buy socks, that’s crazy,” said Simon Schuster, a part-time expert in unnecessary surgery who hopes to become a book publisher.  “Folks who come back from the dead predict the future and warn of impending doom and stuff like that.  Heck, they’re spirits and don’t need socks.  This Nixon story can’t be true.  Of course Nixon was a different kind of guy.  I suppose if anyone was to come back from the dead for socks it’d probably be him.”

Richard Milhous Nixon was the thirty-seventh President of the United States serving from 1969 until his resignation in 1974.  Under President Nixon, the United States followed a foreign policy marked by détente with the Soviet Union, and the opening of diplomatic relations with the People’s Republic of China.  As a result of the Watergate scandal, Nixon resigned the presidency in the face of likely impeachment by the United States House of Representatives and conviction by the Senate.  His successor, Gerald Ford, issued a controversial pardon for any federal crimes Nixon may have committed.  Nixon suffered a stroke on April 18, 1994 and died four days later at the age of 81.
“I always liked Nixon and voted for him twice,” said Crusty Mandelbaum, a brilliant physician often mistaken for a drunken card player of ill repute.  “I know it bothered some people that his socks were always falling down and he’d step on them sometimes.  But I liked his politics and never let the sock thing get in the way.  I guess it was just a matter of time before they took him down.  That Watergate thing was really all about socks you know.  Damn Democrats and their sock chicanery.  It doesn’t surprise me that he’s back from the dead and looking for socks.  God bless him.”

In related news, it’s been rumored for some time that all politicians have sock fetishes.  Now we know it’s true because Nixon told it to the guy at the J.C. Penney counter in Cleveland.  So there you go.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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