Richard Nixon Returns from Dead for Socks

Says socks are hard to come by in afterlife

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 21, 2008

Former U.S. president Richard Nixon returned from the dead yesterday and appeared at a J.C. Penney store where he purchased several pairs of socks before disappearing into the ether.  Stunned shoppers said the president was polite and made small talk while standing in line waiting to pay for the socks.  Inebriated reporter Zesty Kreme has the story.

“It’s not every day that a former president appears in a Cleveland Penney store to buy socks, but then buying socks isn’t something anyone does every day, so there you go,” said reporter Kreme, a DQ disciple who occasionally turns up missing.  “The folks at the store said it was Nixon and he was friendly, bought socks, told jokes and said that the afterlife was okay but currently suffered from a sock shortage.  He said they drew straws and he lost so he had to go after the socks.  Nixon said he thought John Lennon cheated and slipped him the short one, but he wasn’t bitter.  ‘Lennon was shot so I kind of feel sorry for him,’ Nixon reportedly said.  ‘Poor bastard.'”

Not everyone believes that it was Nixon returning from the dead to buy socks in Cleveland.  “People don’t come back from the dead in order to buy socks, that’s crazy,” said Simon Schuster, a part-time expert in unnecessary surgery who hopes to become a book publisher.  “Folks who come back from the dead predict the future and warn of impending doom and stuff like that.  Heck, they’re spirits and don’t need socks.  This Nixon story can’t be true.  Of course Nixon was a different kind of guy.  I suppose if anyone was to come back from the dead for socks it’d probably be him.”

Richard Milhous Nixon was the thirty-seventh President of the United States serving from 1969 until his resignation in 1974.  Under President Nixon, the United States followed a foreign policy marked by détente with the Soviet Union, and the opening of diplomatic relations with the People’s Republic of China.  As a result of the Watergate scandal, Nixon resigned the presidency in the face of likely impeachment by the United States House of Representatives and conviction by the Senate.  His successor, Gerald Ford, issued a controversial pardon for any federal crimes Nixon may have committed.  Nixon suffered a stroke on April 18, 1994 and died four days later at the age of 81.
“I always liked Nixon and voted for him twice,” said Crusty Mandelbaum, a brilliant physician often mistaken for a drunken card player of ill repute.  “I know it bothered some people that his socks were always falling down and he’d step on them sometimes.  But I liked his politics and never let the sock thing get in the way.  I guess it was just a matter of time before they took him down.  That Watergate thing was really all about socks you know.  Damn Democrats and their sock chicanery.  It doesn’t surprise me that he’s back from the dead and looking for socks.  God bless him.”

In related news, it’s been rumored for some time that all politicians have sock fetishes.  Now we know it’s true because Nixon told it to the guy at the J.C. Penney counter in Cleveland.  So there you go.

(C) 2008

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