Daily Archives: January 22, 2008

Time to Make Age a Divisive Issue

Women, Blacks and Youth can be President, not Old Experienced People

Inebriated Press
January 22, 2008

Campaigning for Mike Huckabee for U.S. president, actor Chuck Norris said Sunday that Senator John McCain is too old to handle the pressures of being president.  McCain is 72 and Norris said it’s important to ignore the fact that Ronald Reagan was elected at age 70 and re-elected at age 74.  Reagan left office at age 78.  Norris also said that despite the fact that Picasso had his fourth child at age 68 and was still entertaining friends and painting when he died at age 92 that old people are stupid and anyone older than 68 doesn’t know what he’s doing.  Norris said he is currently 67 and that’s the best age to be when determining whether people of other ages can function within society.  Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are relieved that Norris is at least leaving inexperienced blacks and women alone.

“I think all the white male Republican presidential candidates are too old and decrepit to think clearly and withstand all the rigors of a scandal ridden presidency,” said Hillary Rodham Clinton, a 60 year old white woman currently vying for a central role in an upcoming scandal ridden presidency.  “I have a lot of respect for actors who bash candidates competing for the same job I am, and think Norris is on target with his comments.”

Not everyone thinks that bashing age and experience is the right thing to do.  “McCain served four years in the House of Representatives and twenty in the Senate, and he’s a decorated war veteran,” said Joe Mannix, a TV detective who knew how to take a beating but wouldn’t give up.  “Obama served two years as Senator; the last one spent campaigning for president.  Hillary was just re-elected Senator and before that was the wife of a president.  I suppose McCain probably doesn’t have what it takes to run the country, but the other two do?  I haven’t been beat up and knocked unconscious enough times to believe that nonsense.”

Actor Chuck Norris hosted a fundraiser for Huckabee at his Lone Wolf Ranch over the weekend and said that McCain lacks youth, vision and communication skills.  He said that only people under 68 have those skills.  Huckabee, coming off a disappointing second-place finish in the South Carolina GOP primary to McCain, distanced himself from Norris’ comments and said that genetics and not only age can help a person stay lucid.  McCain’s campaign ignored both comments, citing some old adage about discretion being the better part of valor. 

Reportedly valor and discretion were things that people valued in the past and old folks are trying to drag the concepts into the present.  Hillary says if she’s elected she’ll propose a law to stop them.  Norris said he will speak out in favor of Hillary’s plan, if he still remembers who he is next year.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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U.S. Dollar Replaced By Colored Yarn

Brightest dies are worth the most

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 22, 2008

In an unusual move the U.S. Congress has ordered the U.S. Treasury to begin using colored yarns as new currency instead of traditional greenbacks.  In recent months the value of the U.S. Dollar has fallen substantially and Alan Greenspan, former chairman of the Federal Reserve, has been recommending fundamental change in how the country manages its money.  After significant debate the United States settled on colored yarn as the means of exchange, and the feeling is that even if its value keeps falling, you can always knit something with it.

“The time has come for new forms of exchange and creative approaches to American currency,” said Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson, a strong advocate of multi-use money and “bald is beautiful” campaigns.  “The use of yarn for money will revolutionize currency and let people who like knitting have a greater role in the balance of payments between countries.  Most grandmothers have an excellent understanding of money management and yarn.  Couple that with their general stockpiles of yarn and they’ll have more control over the U.S. money supply.  This will add stability and strength to the U.S. economy and position U.S. currency as dominant in the world again.”

Not everyone thinks that using yarn instead of dollars is the best approach to restructuring the U.S. money supply.  “Yarn instead of coins or paper bills as means of exchange?  You’ve got to be kidding me,” said Benjamin Franklin, the former president of Pennsylvania whose picture is on the $100 bill.  “I’ve not been struck by lightening enough times for that to make sense to me.”

Experts say the U.S. dollar is likely to remain under pressure in the first half of 2008, and we can expect to see commodity prices remaining firm.  Some see the price of gold hitting $1,000 an ounce.  U.S. president George W. Bush called for a $150-billion stimulus plan aimed at kick-starting the flagging economy.  The new move to yarn as the primary means of exchange bodes well for yarn manufacturers and grandmothers with sizable supplies.

“I’ve got twenty or thirty leftover skeins of yarn around the house, so I guess I’m going to be rich,” said Mabel Mikulski, a petite 81 year old who likes to knit and kick her grandson’s ass whenever he needs it.  “I’m not going to start spending it like a drunken sailor though.  You’ve got to be prudent.  That’s what’s been lacking in the U.S. government.  With the country moving to yarn as its main form of currency and many of us grandmothers holding major stocks of it, you’re going to see some changes in how free and easy this money business is handled.  No more free ride kids.”

In related news, “spinning a yarn” still means “making up a story” and made up stories are expected to take on greater value under the new yarn-as-currency future.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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