Brightest dies are worth the most
Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 22, 2008
In an unusual move the U.S. Congress has ordered the U.S. Treasury to begin using colored yarns as new currency instead of traditional greenbacks. In recent months the value of the U.S. Dollar has fallen substantially and Alan Greenspan, former chairman of the Federal Reserve, has been recommending fundamental change in how the country manages its money. After significant debate the United States settled on colored yarn as the means of exchange, and the feeling is that even if its value keeps falling, you can always knit something with it.
“The time has come for new forms of exchange and creative approaches to American currency,” said Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson, a strong advocate of multi-use money and “bald is beautiful” campaigns. “The use of yarn for money will revolutionize currency and let people who like knitting have a greater role in the balance of payments between countries. Most grandmothers have an excellent understanding of money management and yarn. Couple that with their general stockpiles of yarn and they’ll have more control over the U.S. money supply. This will add stability and strength to the U.S. economy and position U.S. currency as dominant in the world again.”
Not everyone thinks that using yarn instead of dollars is the best approach to restructuring the U.S. money supply. “Yarn instead of coins or paper bills as means of exchange? You’ve got to be kidding me,” said Benjamin Franklin, the former president of Pennsylvania whose picture is on the $100 bill. “I’ve not been struck by lightening enough times for that to make sense to me.”
Experts say the U.S. dollar is likely to remain under pressure in the first half of 2008, and we can expect to see commodity prices remaining firm. Some see the price of gold hitting $1,000 an ounce. U.S. president George W. Bush called for a $150-billion stimulus plan aimed at kick-starting the flagging economy. The new move to yarn as the primary means of exchange bodes well for yarn manufacturers and grandmothers with sizable supplies.
“I’ve got twenty or thirty leftover skeins of yarn around the house, so I guess I’m going to be rich,” said Mabel Mikulski, a petite 81 year old who likes to knit and kick her grandson’s ass whenever he needs it. “I’m not going to start spending it like a drunken sailor though. You’ve got to be prudent. That’s what’s been lacking in the U.S. government. With the country moving to yarn as its main form of currency and many of us grandmothers holding major stocks of it, you’re going to see some changes in how free and easy this money business is handled. No more free ride kids.”
In related news, “spinning a yarn” still means “making up a story” and made up stories are expected to take on greater value under the new yarn-as-currency future.
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