Canadian Government threatens to deport rich illegal immigrants
Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 23, 2008
The Canadian government is threatening to deport wealthy Americans who slipped across the border to assist with the countries melon harvest. Eskimo harvesters who have traditionally picked most of Canada’s melons have protested the loss of jobs to illegal American immigrants who are willing to do the work for very little pay because they’re already rich. Immigrant rights activists are expressing confusion.
“I can understand what a great adventure it must be to sneak into Canada illegally and gaze at the Aurora Borealis, and sleep in the fields under the stars,” said immigrant rights activist Pippy Longstocking, a redheaded girl with pigtails who carries an AK-47 to deter paparazzi. “But why take the Eskimo’s melon picking jobs? I mean, what’s with that?”
Wealthy Americans say that sneaking into the country is only a small part of what they find exciting about being in Canada illegally. “There’s something almost mystical about snapping a ripe melon off of the vine on a warm summer day beneath the northern sky,” said Muffy Keating, a rich Pennsylvania industrialist known for having cornered the market in steel reinforced jockstraps. “Getting into Canada by hiding in the right front tire of a U-Haul truck is a blast, but you just can’t beat melon picking all day and then making out under the flickering glow of the northern lights. Hu-chi-momma!”
Canadian officials have debated whether illegal American melon pickers should be deported. Some think that they should be given umbrellas and dropped from planes over New York like Mary Poppins. Others feel they should be offered citizenship and encouraged to stay and shovel snow in the winter. Reportedly most Canadians don’t care what happens as long as the Americans don’t start buying up all the hockey tickets.
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