Daily Archives: January 24, 2008

Workers Blowing Brains Out of Pigs Get Bad News

Turns Out Inhaling Brain Tissue Isn’t Healthy

Inebriated Press
January 24, 2008

Meat packing plant workers in Minnesota and Indiana have developed what’s being referred to as a mystery illness.  Workers describe fatigue, numbness and tingling in their arms and legs and doctors say these are symptoms of an inflammatory neurological condition that doesn’t yet have a name.  Health officials say all the workers with the condition were stationed near air-compression systems used to blow brains out of pig heads during processing.  Investigators say that the workers probably inhaled bits of blood and brain.  They think it might not have been healthy.

“You would never guess that inhaling bits of pig brains might not be good for you, but that could be the case I guess,” said a meat plant executive, swatting at brain bits flittering in the air like fireflies.  “Our employees wear boots to keep the brains off of their feet, but we never thought that sucking them into their lungs could cause a problem.  Oh well, live and learn.”

Not everyone is so caviler about loose brain cells hovering in space and ripe for inhalation.  “Holy cow, the oppressed illegal alien workers in the meat plants not only have to dodge U.S. immigration officials, now it’s not even safe for them to breathe,” shouted consumer advocate Ralph Nader, vibrating in place as he pondered a third run as a U.S. presidential candidate.  “We’ve got to make working conditions better for illegals.  Its bad enough they have to spend the day blowing the brains out of pigs.  They shouldn’t have to inhale them too.”

The discovery that two Indiana pork-plant workers apparently developed symptoms of the same mystery illness that struck meatpackers in Austin, Minn., may be a significant break in a case that has baffled disease investigators for a month.  Like the workers in Minnesota, those at the Indiana plant were stationed near a powerful air-compression system used to blow brains out of pig heads during processing, said health officials.  The process, which is no longer being used at either plant, exposes workers to floating particles of blood and brain that investigators theorize could have made them sick.  And early this week consumer advocate Ralph Nader said he will decide soon on whether to make a another bid for the White House in 2008, eight years after playing a key role as a third party presidential candidate.  The brain problem and consumer advocate has Democrats on edge.

“Last time Nader ran for office he caused brain cells to scatter among the electorate.  That resulted in Democrat voters splitting from Al Gore and wound up giving the election to George Bush and the Republicans,” complained Nifty Breastplate, a lithe blonde woman wearing a black leather bustier.  “If that happens again there will be people wanting to blow his brains out!  I’m not sure about inhaling them though.”

In other news, Monty Python’s stage play “Spamalot” continues to tour the country and is getting good reviews.  Spam is a meat product produced by Hormel Foods from pigs.  No word on whether inhaling pig brains are part of the program.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Workers Blowing Brains Out of Pigs Get Bad News

Filed under Humor, IP News

Pam Anderson Sells Spare Breasts on eBay

Auctions off unneeded extras

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 24, 2008

Actress and model Pamela Anderson has listed her spare breasts on the auction website eBay.  Reportedly Anderson has put them up with “no reserve” and is willing to get whatever she can for them.  The actress has changed breast sizes several times in recent years, usually making them bigger, but did downsize them once before making them bigger again.  Reportedly she became tired of having the extra ones lying around the house and decided to sell them off.

“I’ve gradually increased the size of my breasts and with it my popularity,” said Anderson, juggling three of her breasts with her hands and jiggling two others currently mounted on her chest.  “My back ached from all the weight so I downsized one year, but my popularity went down with it.  So I popped the size back up and my popularity popped up too.  I just exercise and see a chiropractor for my back now.  What can I say; a gal’s got to do what a gal’s got to do.”

Not everyone favors the routine modification of ones body or breast size.  “Be who you are and be genuine about that, and you’ll be happier,” said Betty Boop, a precocious cartoon character whose modest cup size never slowed her popularity or stopped her from strutting her stuff.  “Some guys are all about big jugs but that’s superficial, just like those kinds of guys.  I’ve gotten along just fine with my perky little tits and don’t want anybody with a knife slicing away on me.”

eBay.com is an online auction and shopping website in which people and businesses buy and sell goods and services worldwide.  In its early days it traded almost anything, but eventually began to prohibit the sale of items like firearms, dirty underwear and body parts.  Pamela Anderson has been selling her used clothes and other items on eBay since 2004 but this is the first time she’s offered her breasts for sale.

“They’re like anything else you’ve got laying around the house,” said Pam, drinking a glass of fresh milk and pondering mammary health.  “If you don’t get rid of some stuff pretty soon your place is full of junk you don’t use.  I’ve got no more use for those old silicone boobs, so I may as well put them on the world’s biggest garage sale.  Maybe I’ll get a couple bucks for them.”

In related news, breast milk continues to be popular among babies and used to be traded on eBay but is no longer allowed since it’s not inspected by the United States Department of Agriculture.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Pam Anderson Sells Spare Breasts on eBay

Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid