Workers Blowing Brains Out of Pigs Get Bad News

Turns Out Inhaling Brain Tissue Isn’t Healthy

Inebriated Press
January 24, 2008

Meat packing plant workers in Minnesota and Indiana have developed what’s being referred to as a mystery illness.  Workers describe fatigue, numbness and tingling in their arms and legs and doctors say these are symptoms of an inflammatory neurological condition that doesn’t yet have a name.  Health officials say all the workers with the condition were stationed near air-compression systems used to blow brains out of pig heads during processing.  Investigators say that the workers probably inhaled bits of blood and brain.  They think it might not have been healthy.

“You would never guess that inhaling bits of pig brains might not be good for you, but that could be the case I guess,” said a meat plant executive, swatting at brain bits flittering in the air like fireflies.  “Our employees wear boots to keep the brains off of their feet, but we never thought that sucking them into their lungs could cause a problem.  Oh well, live and learn.”

Not everyone is so caviler about loose brain cells hovering in space and ripe for inhalation.  “Holy cow, the oppressed illegal alien workers in the meat plants not only have to dodge U.S. immigration officials, now it’s not even safe for them to breathe,” shouted consumer advocate Ralph Nader, vibrating in place as he pondered a third run as a U.S. presidential candidate.  “We’ve got to make working conditions better for illegals.  Its bad enough they have to spend the day blowing the brains out of pigs.  They shouldn’t have to inhale them too.”

The discovery that two Indiana pork-plant workers apparently developed symptoms of the same mystery illness that struck meatpackers in Austin, Minn., may be a significant break in a case that has baffled disease investigators for a month.  Like the workers in Minnesota, those at the Indiana plant were stationed near a powerful air-compression system used to blow brains out of pig heads during processing, said health officials.  The process, which is no longer being used at either plant, exposes workers to floating particles of blood and brain that investigators theorize could have made them sick.  And early this week consumer advocate Ralph Nader said he will decide soon on whether to make a another bid for the White House in 2008, eight years after playing a key role as a third party presidential candidate.  The brain problem and consumer advocate has Democrats on edge.

“Last time Nader ran for office he caused brain cells to scatter among the electorate.  That resulted in Democrat voters splitting from Al Gore and wound up giving the election to George Bush and the Republicans,” complained Nifty Breastplate, a lithe blonde woman wearing a black leather bustier.  “If that happens again there will be people wanting to blow his brains out!  I’m not sure about inhaling them though.”

In other news, Monty Python’s stage play “Spamalot” continues to tour the country and is getting good reviews.  Spam is a meat product produced by Hormel Foods from pigs.  No word on whether inhaling pig brains are part of the program.

(C) 2008

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