Daily Archives: January 25, 2008

University Creates Beating Heart in Lab

We can save human lives, but can we stop cow burps from destroying the planet?

Inebriated Press
January 25, 2008

Using a process called whole organ decellularization, scientists from the University of Minnesota Center for Cardiovascular Repair have successfully grown functioning heart tissue.  And a Swedish university received funding so they can measure the greenhouse gases released when cows belch.  Fear of heart disease and greenhouse gases continue to grip the planet.

“We’ve been replacing hearts and now we can grow them in labs and that’s good for guys like me, with the risk of heart disease,” said Buddy Lane, a friendly guy who likes to say ‘hi’ to people when walking down the street.  “It’s the darn cows that have me worried.  They burp and fart and have almost made the earth too hot to live on.  Sure it’s below zero outside right now, but this is the Midwest so we’re probably the last to feel the impending disaster.  The coasts always get everything before we do.”

Not everyone is worried about global warming, but do like the new heart repair potential.  “Greenhouse gas is 95% water vapor so we aren’t going to change the worlds climate no matter how many cows we stop from burping, or how many light bulbs we turn off,” said Joy Warbler, a gorgeous singing seamstress known to cause hearts to skip a beat among men of all ages.  “The ability to fix a persons heart with materials we grow and develop in a lab is a real science that’s worth funding.  Goofy Swedes and their cow gas.”

Scientists from the University of Minnesota grew functioning heart tissue by taking dead rat and pig hearts and reseeding them with a mixture of live cells.  Decellularization is the process of removing all of the cells from an organ – in this case an animal cadaver heart – leaving only the extracellular matrix, the framework between the cells, intact.  The idea is to develop transplantable blood vessels or whole organs that are made from our own cells that will mesh perfectly with our body and won’t be rejected.  The research is published online in Nature Medicine.  Meanwhile, the Swedish University for Agricultural Sciences in Uppsala received $590,000 in research funds to measure greenhouse gases from burping cows.  Cattle release methane, a greenhouse gas believed to contribute to global warming, when they digest their food.  Twenty cows will participate in the project and will have different diets and wear collar devices measuring the methane level in the air around them.

In other news, BBC reports that two women who claim they were sexually abused by leading Swedish politicians in the 1970s when working as under-age prostitutes are demanding that the state compensate them for the alleged abuse.  According to Sweden’s Sex Purchase Law – the Sexkopslagen – it is a crime to pay for sex, though selling sex remains legal.  Word has it that it’s currently illegal for cows to burp in Sweden, but it is not illegal to measure how much.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Remington Inks Deal With Los Angeles School System

Becomes official school supplier of ammo

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 25, 2008

The Remington Arms Company, America’s oldest gun maker, has signed an agreement with the Los Angeles Unified School District, the largest public school system in California, becoming the official supplier of ammo to the students and faculty.  According to the terms of the contract, Remington will install vending machines in common areas with popular 9mm cartridges for sale in 20 round boxes as well as twin packs and singles.  The school district will keep a percentage of each sales profits and Remington will be responsible for keeping the machines stocked.  The LA School District and Remington will share promotional activity.

“The kids are going to use bullets and shoot at each other throughout the school year no matter what we do, and often they get substandard quality shells and risk having the guns they have blow up in their face,” said Superintendent Dave Brewer, firing a couple random shots into one of the commons areas and being ignored like usual.  “This agreement will put high quality cartridges in the hands of these kids and the extra income it generates for the district will help defray the cost of bandages and the ambulance service we’re constantly using.  It’s a heck of a deal all the way around.”

Not everyone is in favor of the school district encouraging ammo sales.  “Once schools start condoning the sale of bullets in school like this, you can expect an increase in the number of shootings by school kids and that’s just not healthy,” said Abby Hoffman, a dead activist who believed in nonviolence, Marxism and cocaine use.  “The next thing you know they’ll think that by giving the kids condoms and birth control they’ll slow premarital sex and unwanted pregnancy.”

Experts say that in 81% of school shootings the attackers told other students about their plans beforehand.  That means many school shootings can be prevented.  Gun violence in America is often perceived as a political problem about gun laws rather than a mental health crisis that is claiming the lives of 8 children and teens every day.  A non-profit organization called PAX USA has been working for ten years to try and reduce gun violence in the nation’s schools.  Their ASK program encourages parents to find out from their children whether the kids friends have accessible guns in their homes, before allowing them to visit.  And a SPEAK-UP campaign encourages kids to call an 800 number to report weapons threats in schools.  The old “guns don’t kill people, people do” continues to be debated.

“I shot most of the guys I killed,” said retired mafia hit man Jimmy “The Weasel” Fratianno, pocketing some fruit off a stand and not paying for it.  “I’d have killed them without a gun, and occasionally did if I didn’t have a gun handy.  A guy wants to kill somebody, they’ll do it.  I like guns because they’re easy to use and not as messy as a knife, club or piano wire.  But when it comes right down to it, a guy kills because he wants to.  Tools is tools.  If you can get one that’s easier to use than another, you use it.  If not, you do the next best thing.”

In other news, two out of ten students who have used condoms have considered using bullets but not for the same reason.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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