Remington Inks Deal With Los Angeles School System

Becomes official school supplier of ammo

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 25, 2008

The Remington Arms Company, America’s oldest gun maker, has signed an agreement with the Los Angeles Unified School District, the largest public school system in California, becoming the official supplier of ammo to the students and faculty.  According to the terms of the contract, Remington will install vending machines in common areas with popular 9mm cartridges for sale in 20 round boxes as well as twin packs and singles.  The school district will keep a percentage of each sales profits and Remington will be responsible for keeping the machines stocked.  The LA School District and Remington will share promotional activity.

“The kids are going to use bullets and shoot at each other throughout the school year no matter what we do, and often they get substandard quality shells and risk having the guns they have blow up in their face,” said Superintendent Dave Brewer, firing a couple random shots into one of the commons areas and being ignored like usual.  “This agreement will put high quality cartridges in the hands of these kids and the extra income it generates for the district will help defray the cost of bandages and the ambulance service we’re constantly using.  It’s a heck of a deal all the way around.”

Not everyone is in favor of the school district encouraging ammo sales.  “Once schools start condoning the sale of bullets in school like this, you can expect an increase in the number of shootings by school kids and that’s just not healthy,” said Abby Hoffman, a dead activist who believed in nonviolence, Marxism and cocaine use.  “The next thing you know they’ll think that by giving the kids condoms and birth control they’ll slow premarital sex and unwanted pregnancy.”

Experts say that in 81% of school shootings the attackers told other students about their plans beforehand.  That means many school shootings can be prevented.  Gun violence in America is often perceived as a political problem about gun laws rather than a mental health crisis that is claiming the lives of 8 children and teens every day.  A non-profit organization called PAX USA has been working for ten years to try and reduce gun violence in the nation’s schools.  Their ASK program encourages parents to find out from their children whether the kids friends have accessible guns in their homes, before allowing them to visit.  And a SPEAK-UP campaign encourages kids to call an 800 number to report weapons threats in schools.  The old “guns don’t kill people, people do” continues to be debated.

“I shot most of the guys I killed,” said retired mafia hit man Jimmy “The Weasel” Fratianno, pocketing some fruit off a stand and not paying for it.  “I’d have killed them without a gun, and occasionally did if I didn’t have a gun handy.  A guy wants to kill somebody, they’ll do it.  I like guns because they’re easy to use and not as messy as a knife, club or piano wire.  But when it comes right down to it, a guy kills because he wants to.  Tools is tools.  If you can get one that’s easier to use than another, you use it.  If not, you do the next best thing.”

In other news, two out of ten students who have used condoms have considered using bullets but not for the same reason.

(C) 2008

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