Daily Archives: January 28, 2008

Texas UFOs make California turn against medical marijuana

Mechanic says U.S. F-16s were modified by Mexicans using Yugoslavian parts

Inebriated Press
January 28, 2008

Dozens of people in Stephenville, Texas have reported sightings of a UFO over the past several days.  And the California Supreme Court ruled that employers can fire workers who test positive for marijuana even if they have a note from a doctor recommending its use for medical reasons.  Sources say the typically liberal California Court heard reports from Texas citing UFO sightings and decided that Air Force mechanics and Texans on hemp aren’t clear-headed.  Debate over UFOs and medicinal cannabis continues.

“There are UFOs in Texas and they’re illegal aliens from space without passports, come here to harvest marijuana crops with the help of Mexican laborers,” said Britney Spears, a part time parent, border agent and pop star, who has a deep understanding of alien life-style and drug use.  “When people started reporting on them and border agents showed up, the space aliens were concerned that Americans would deport them like illegal Mexican workers.  They fled the scene.  That means a smaller crew for weed harvest and less product for sale in California.  I think the Court is allowing companies to crack down on marijuana use just so they can regulate the smaller supply.”

Not everyone thinks the UFOs have anything to do with marijuana or Mexican workers.  “It was the U.S. Air Force experimenting with an old Yugo we rebuilt for space flight,” said Karl Lewis, a Major in the U.S. Air Force who has a minor in history and sings tenor in a local chorus.  “At first we wouldn’t admit it because we didn’t want anyone to know we were messing around with old Eastern European technology.  It’s true we used a few workers from various dimensions to work on the interstellar time and space circuitry, but there was no marijuana use.”

On the night of January 8 several people in the small Texas town claimed they saw a UFO, detailing a flying object that was about a mile long and changed colors.  The United States Air Force first denied that they had planes or other things hovering in the area, but later said that they were ten F-16 fighter jets.  Residents of the small town aren’t convinced that the Air Force F-16s, or anything else humans fly, look or act like what they saw.

The California Supreme Court ruled 5 to 2 that a Sacramento company had the right to fire Gary Ross in 2001 after a routine drug test came back positive for marijuana.  Ross showed RagingWire Inc. a copy of his physician’s recommendation to smoke the drug to relieve chronic back pain from three lumbar vertebrae fractured when he fell off the wing of an F-16 as an Air Force mechanic in 1983.

“I was involved in an Air Force program involving F-16s and Yugos and worked with some Mexicans who were green and shaped like pea pods,” said Mr. Ross, taking a drag of medicine and clearing his mind with a couple gulps of Tequila.  “I knew they weren’t totally legal, but the military has been using German scientists to design A-bombs and illegal green Mexicans to help design our new F-16/Yugo’s.  I’m not supposed to tell you this ’cause the Air Force could get into trouble over it, but it’s the truth.  Without these illegal alien Yugo mechanics, we couldn’t get these birds in the sky.  Hey, you want a drag, this is some good shit.”

In other news, Carl’s Chop House in Detroit has filed with the state for a topless permit.  Known as a landmark that serves a good New York strip steak the owner says he’ll continue the same menu but plans to add strippers for entertainment.  No word on whether a New York strip will come with a New York strip or whether aliens with F-16s will provide medicinal marijuana for desert.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Tom Cruise Discovered on Mars

Still no intelligent life found

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 28, 2008

A NASA rover spotted actor Tom Cruise stumbling around on the back side of the red planet yesterday and despite Cruise encouraging the rover to take a turn toward Scientology, the rover continued searching for signs of intelligent life.  Mars Rover’s Spirit and Opportunity, have been exploring for over three years, ignoring the fact that they were designed to survive for around 90 days.  Intent on not wasting time, they continue to search for new things and pay no attention to irrelevant space dust and goofy entertainers.

“The rover is doing a bang-up job and we couldn’t be happier,” said NASA Administrator Michael Griffin, borrowing a shot of whiskey from one of the astronauts training nearby.  “We’ve found some possible hot springs deposits and may have spotted a location where life may have existed.  The Tom Cruise sighting is no big deal, that guys bouncing around everywhere.  His idea of science is an electric toothbrush on video.”

Not everyone believes Tom Cruise is thinking with a bag of sand instead of brains.  “Tom’s as rational as you or me,” said singer and absent mom, Britney Spears, slurping JELLO shots and flinging some unwanted underwear over her shoulder.  “People are picking on him just because he’s so tiny and rants like a Nazi for Scientology.  People can be so mean.”

Steve Squyres, the principal investigator for the Mars Exploration Rovers, Spirit and Opportunity, says that a rock split open by the wheels of the Spirit rover revealed that it, and those surrounding it, were made of more than 90 percent silica.  He said that silica-rich rocks might be deposits from former hot springs on Mars, similar to hot springs found in places on Earth such as at Yellowstone National Park.  On earth hot springs are teaming with life.  American actor Tom Cruise sparked outrage in the U.S. after he accused government officials of lying about the 9/11 terrorist attacks.  Cruise also has said that psychiatry is a “crime against humanity.”  Respected German historian Guido Knopp compared a speech by Cruise to the Church of Scientology with a call to war by Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels.  Knopp thinks Cruise has slipped the surly bonds of sanity and touched the face of Donald Duck.

“Tom might be a nice guy, but he’s about as full of shit as a guy can be and still walk,” Knopp reportedly said, while entertaining jugglers at a conference about the effects of oxygen on history.  “I have no doubt he’s been to Mars and back and probably thinks he’s still there.  Still, some of his movies are entertaining.  I think pretending he’s somebody other than himself is his greatest strength.”

In related news, NASA has released new images from a spacecraft showing a side of Mercury which has never been seen before.  No word on whether the side of Tom Cruise we’re currently seeing will take a turn for the better.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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