Tom Cruise Discovered on Mars

Still no intelligent life found

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
January 28, 2008

A NASA rover spotted actor Tom Cruise stumbling around on the back side of the red planet yesterday and despite Cruise encouraging the rover to take a turn toward Scientology, the rover continued searching for signs of intelligent life.  Mars Rover’s Spirit and Opportunity, have been exploring for over three years, ignoring the fact that they were designed to survive for around 90 days.  Intent on not wasting time, they continue to search for new things and pay no attention to irrelevant space dust and goofy entertainers.

“The rover is doing a bang-up job and we couldn’t be happier,” said NASA Administrator Michael Griffin, borrowing a shot of whiskey from one of the astronauts training nearby.  “We’ve found some possible hot springs deposits and may have spotted a location where life may have existed.  The Tom Cruise sighting is no big deal, that guys bouncing around everywhere.  His idea of science is an electric toothbrush on video.”

Not everyone believes Tom Cruise is thinking with a bag of sand instead of brains.  “Tom’s as rational as you or me,” said singer and absent mom, Britney Spears, slurping JELLO shots and flinging some unwanted underwear over her shoulder.  “People are picking on him just because he’s so tiny and rants like a Nazi for Scientology.  People can be so mean.”

Steve Squyres, the principal investigator for the Mars Exploration Rovers, Spirit and Opportunity, says that a rock split open by the wheels of the Spirit rover revealed that it, and those surrounding it, were made of more than 90 percent silica.  He said that silica-rich rocks might be deposits from former hot springs on Mars, similar to hot springs found in places on Earth such as at Yellowstone National Park.  On earth hot springs are teaming with life.  American actor Tom Cruise sparked outrage in the U.S. after he accused government officials of lying about the 9/11 terrorist attacks.  Cruise also has said that psychiatry is a “crime against humanity.”  Respected German historian Guido Knopp compared a speech by Cruise to the Church of Scientology with a call to war by Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels.  Knopp thinks Cruise has slipped the surly bonds of sanity and touched the face of Donald Duck.

“Tom might be a nice guy, but he’s about as full of shit as a guy can be and still walk,” Knopp reportedly said, while entertaining jugglers at a conference about the effects of oxygen on history.  “I have no doubt he’s been to Mars and back and probably thinks he’s still there.  Still, some of his movies are entertaining.  I think pretending he’s somebody other than himself is his greatest strength.”

In related news, NASA has released new images from a spacecraft showing a side of Mercury which has never been seen before.  No word on whether the side of Tom Cruise we’re currently seeing will take a turn for the better.

(C) 2008

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